Thanks Dalin and BigV for sharing that. It was so very similar for me too.

Adriana, with every next post, you sound as if you are growing leaps and bounds in understanding your problem, and doing the right things to get better... Thanks for sharing all that is possible to steer us towards recovery... Gives me lots of strength and hope... Keep the miracle alive.

Sheryl, one thing I also failed to understand was that, my loved ones, due to my addiction, had become neurotic, and they developed a mental illness called "codependency". Today, I might be seeking daily continued treatment for my addiction thru NA, but they are still stuck there with their worries about me, paranoia that I might suddenly mess it all up once again, they are so used to having to switch between the roles of "seducer, savior, offender and victim" because of the havoc that I created in their lives for so long, that it's very difficult for them to heal from it, unlike me who can make use of these forums and NA meetings, my Sponsor and the 12 Steps.

In my early recovery, my mom would frequently go into her temper tantrums, my dad would get scared to give me anything more than the bare minimum money that I required to make a meeting and come back home. I was not allowed to enter any of the bedrooms at home, not even mine. I had to live in the living room. All my comforts were taken away. It all used to frustrate me a great deal, I can say, a perfect platform for me to get into the victim-selfpity trip, and end up using, justifying that it's better if I use and die, that I can't go on like this...

When I got clean and started working my First Step with my Sponsor, I realized that I was not only powerless over drugs but also over my thoughts, my feelings and emotions, certain situations, and most importantly, other people. I realized that the only thing I can change in the entire universe is MYSELF. If I try to change my mom or dad or my wife or a friend, expecting that they must all change according to my way, so that my recovery becomes smooth and conducive, my life becomes unmanageable. Wanting them to change their ways is no different from trying to control my using. In doing so, I'm defying the First Step, I'm resisting to surrender to the program and my Higher Power. And I cannot afford to do that, because in that surrender lies my victory, my freedom, my sanity and serenity.

Today, I allow my parents, my wife, my friends in and outside NA, the whole world to be the way they all are, and in the process I allow myself to be as I am. Today, life on life's terms to me means that everything is as it should be... just like what I think and experience my reality to be, the same way, everyone thinks and experiences their reality... I'm not above or below anyone, and am no different than anybody in the eyes of my Higher Power...

After understanding this, my problem changed from "why is so and so like this? why don't they change?" to "How can I grow in my daily personal recovery inspite of the world being the way it is?"... and this shift in perception brought about acceptance, surrender and unconditional love within me... I was quickly into the solution, the solution being, "I can change the way I look at things, I can change my attitude, and look at things and people in a different way, as my HP would want me to, as my HP would..."

Most importantly, today, I love my parents for what they are. I know now that just because they were rude or punishing doesn't mean they don't love me. Just that they did their best to support me in whatever way they possibly could, and they still continue to... They are also human, just like me, and hence, they cannot be angels, or perfect beings as I expect them to... that is an illusion...

I'm grateful that I have them in my life today, that they were and are there with me, reminding me that I never have to do it alone... Even though they are mere mortals, I call them MY GUARDIAN ANGELS... A gift of my HP to carry me through all the pain and self-destruction, to the other side... to freedom and recovery...