I Told Neil, the guy at NA, that I couldn't imagine being friends with my best friend anymore. She doesn't use pills as much as me, but she does like for me to steal them so I will give her a couple (though I pretty much started keeping them for myself long a go) and she smokes pot, drinks etc. but in every other way she is responsible. she was always there for me and my voice of reason(in other matters), until we found pills together. She was my boss for years, we got drunk at work together, before the pills....well, you get the picture. I finally told her the other night, just how bad I had gotten and I couldn't do it anymore. i asked her if she wanted to go to NA with me (I said it kind of jokingly, in case she thought I was stupid to even try)but she said no. I told her i had taken 30 pills in the matter of a day or so, more than I ever had....and yet she still calls me this morning (luckily it was AFTER I had called someone from NA and talked to them)and asks if I've "got anything". I said I quit (in a not so convincing voice). She just said "whatever" like she thought I was lying, which who could blame her after i told her I'd been using quite alot and not sharing. i asked her again if she wanted to go to NA. no
this is hard, we have been friends for many years, her daughter practically lives here, it's her 2nd home, and I can't imagine NOT being her friend. but this morning it hit me, I can't imagine being her friend and being able to stay clean.
why is everything so hard
well, that is it for now, i am off to my dads. if I make it out of there without taking any pills, it will be a first, and a first I'd like to experience.
Thanks for sharing, adriana. True that it's painful not to visit or hang out with some friends just because they are still using... I still have a couple of friends who are still using, and I know that there was and is more to our relationship than mere using buddies with these guys... Sometimes, my codependency does get active and I feel like visiting them, giving them the message of recovery, and even impose it upon them... But I know that it's not on me to do that... Just like my HP took care of me and brought me to recovery and NA, I have to trust their HP to do the same for them, in their HP's own time, not mine...
And also, if I still believe that I'm an addict, and as such, I'm powerless over my addiction, I have no business hanging out with them... I'm over 2 years and a few months clean now, I have a working program of recovery in my life today, have a Sponsor, Sponsees and grand sponsees too, but all that doesn't make me powerful over my addiction... I'm subject to relapse, at any time, be it in next half hour or after a decade of more cleantime. I just cannot afford to bang my head against the wall and complain that it's the wall that is always coming in my way...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Hi Adriana and welcome to the site. I don't have a lot of words to share today (I'm yucky sick), but wanted to acknowledge your post. One thing that popped in my head is that the more you throw yourself into recovery and making new friendships, the less you will miss your old friend. It's not a magic fix or anything. Just that over time you will have recovering friends to fill the void and the pain of missing your old friend will subside. Hang in there.
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Candy-coated BS: It goes down smooth, but makes me real sick.
thanks guys, and daydream, I hope you feel better soon. before, I was saying I wasn't "that bad" and didn't really have a problem, now I know I do. If I buy more drugs when I get the money, it's not going to be the same stuff, cause they aren't working for me, it's going to be harder stuff. when one the guy at the first meeting I went to was telling how he would shoot his pills up, I was thinking "hmm..I haven't tried that yet" so i know where I'm headed if I use again. I want to learn to live, yet part of me wishes I were just dead, and it's the part that wants use drugs.
I can't hang around anyone that's using, not if I want to stay clean
