Thank you so much my friend for sharing that with us. (((((BigV)))))

BigV wrote: so I have to find the positive in all of this. 

So true. That's how I work my Second Step too. Whenever great pain overwhelms me, or there is a disastrous situation that my life throws at me, I open my mind to my HP by asking myself, "What would my HP's loving, caring and compassionate intention for me be behind giving me this painful experience?" Almost always I end up with a list of things that I have learned from that experience, and then it becomes easier to surrender to my HP's loving intention thru the Third Step and rest assured trusting my HP to take care of me, inspite of all that life can possibly throw my way...

-- Edited by Tahir at 02:41, 2006-09-11

Maybe this was the wedge I needed to tear me away from her emotionally because yesterday I thought little of her, those feelings of attachment were gone, maybe seeing this part of her and other ugly parts has shown me she's not the right one for me and i'm not for her and thats ok, today.

And it takes practice, i've had to practice the principles several times already today and I feel better for it, at one point I had to pull over and cry felt a little foolish but that stuff needs to come up and out and as a man thats ok.

I have to be ok with who and what I am today and where i'm at and this program is helping me immensely

THanks Guys for the support .

NO THANKYOU Tahir

You hit it right on the head echobar I WAS addicted to her, I was obsessed with her and I was trying to fix and control the whole thing. LUCKILY she wanted away from my toxic a&& LOL and she gave up on my promises and what nots.

I had a fantasy I was living in for so long we had been long distance lovers for so long it was all I had , hope and fantasy and I was hanging onto that even when it wasn't healthy and obviously not going to work the way I hoped I still hung onto her and the IDEA , " I had a dream" and it fizzled out and did nothing but frustrate me and fear crept in and took over, the fear of losing her, of being alone again ( even though I had been alone the whole time) without a women in my life.

You know I refused to see all the negativity in our relationship she wasn't the type of women I even wanted and that was another struggle I was fighting her with but we did have a GREAT sexual realtionship LOL that part was almost ideal and I hated to let that go I wanted MORE!!!!!!! but other problems were constant and it's not all my doing but I try to just stay in my side of this she refuses to take any responsibility so thats another thing taking all the blame, but I don't not anymore, I did and that was too much for me to take.

So like someone said we have people come and go thru our lives FOR A REASON.

I've moved onto step two tonight and just read it over and I am one of those people that the text mentions thought this was about God.

What I found out is something different and did'nt realize that I have been working step 2.

Lately its been fear of using again that is my higher power and also letting go or surrender that has been my higher power.

Also you guys here are all my higher power at the moment, seeing you post and share whats going on, share your experience strengths and hopes helps, I wouldn't be here everyday if it did'nt , so thankyou all for being here .

Newcomers please stay, stick it out I know how hard it is at first but it gets better if you just give it a chance and yourself a chance.

I haven't really shared alot about what my life was before I got sober, before I relapsed this last time but let me tell you I was drinking almost 2 quarts of vodka a day or all the beer I could get my hands on including all the dope, crack I could get.

I got fired from my job of 3 years these people just enabled me to continue using and when they fired me I was so sick I couldn't make it to work for more then a few days out of the week then i'd go on horrible runs, binges.

I spent from the time I was 24 up until I was 38 either in prison, treatment programs, halfways houses, family members homes and occasionally on my own.

I received SSI for several years because I was disabled from drug and alcohol, addiction.

The last time I was locked up I was losing my facultys and fighting with everyone and everything I attack other inmates and officers I was beat down like a dog by officers I was beat down in fights and did'nt care I wouldn't stop not even with my face smashed, eyes swollen shut, blood flowing from my ears.

My walls were coming in and I mean that literally. I sat in a prison cell on the third tear in Soledad prison christmas eve 1994 and cried I begged for God to help me never return to these places and I haven't YET.

All of this is a power greater then myself, when I relapsed this last time the one thought in my head was " If I keep going I am going to end up dead or back in prison " and I would rather be dead then back in prison, locked up like an animal behind bars with all those other F&(*( animals.


Thats part of the story, part of my book of life, now we are going into the NEXT CHAPTER and I hope its much happier then it has been, with all of your help I think it just maybe the best part of my life .

I was totally surprised when I read the step 2 text, I had no idea!

This is why I love NA it explains things in more detail, I never thought I would come to NA for help i've always gone to AA and honestly had a hard times understanding alot of stuff, this spells things out much more clearly and since i'm such a dimwit that helps LOL

Thanks Tahir for all your support.