You know people will always find it necessary to talk about others, espically when they are trying to divert attention away from themselves, but recently I have been the target of gossip from another member that I had a brief relationship with. I was 3 weeks clean and a was 13 stepped by a man with 10 years clean, I take credit for for my part in this mistake, I liked the attention and to put it plain I thought that I could ten years just by being in this relationship, but I was just fooling myself. He had no plans for a relationship and after we parted ways he has made his way through a few other newcomer women. Some are sicker than others, and it is hard to not take his inventory, but I pray for him as I have been suggested to do from my sponsor. He now has made it his mission to talk about me at every given chance and has even started a rumor that I am not clean, now that is the gossip that hurts the most. I have 5 months clean now and am very proud of myself. i try not to let the gossip hurt me and hold my head up when inside I am very, very hurt. People will talk and I know that but gossip hurts everyone and has no positive side to it at all. I would never treat anyone like I have been treated by this guy with ten years, at ten years I would hope that I had strong recovery and would not have the need to hurt anyone in such a nasty way. Gossip only hurts people, and can run a newcomers out the door, I have not used becaused I have reached out to my sponsor and other women that have supported me through out these trying times. i want to remind others, gosip hurts very badly, espically when we first come into recovery, I am just learning to deal with feelings without the aid of chemicals to dull fellings like anger, pain, and rejection. Narcotics Anonymous is my family and home now, and for the most part people are very kind and loving, that is why gossip hurts me so much I didn't expect it. Also I want to say that talking about someone even nicely is gossip if they are not present, it can turn ugly sometimes not intentionally. Gossip hurts everyone and it hurt me very badly by someone that tricked into thinking they cared about me as a person, not just for sex.
I was listening to a guy talk the other day with 10 years and you know what I wouldn't trade places with him, thanks i'll keep my 62 days LOL.
Sounds like he's preying on new comers someone should have confronted him about this in that group .
Don't let untruths and lies hurt you, you know in your heart and mind what the truth is and you should be nothing but proud of that and greatful and let it be known in that group that you are and that noone can take that away no matter how much they try by gossiping about you......
I soooooooooo understand where you're coming from. It happens all the time. In my case, I had a male sponsor (for a damn good reason and no one here can judge without knowing the facts of why) and completely unexpectedly, we fell for each other. We were extremely close, emotionally, because of sponsorship, and I trusted him more than I had ever trusted another human being. When we crossed over into a relatinoship, I changed sponsors immediately. We had a 2 month relationship, which he wanted to keep pretty quiet for a short time for specific reasons, so we kept a very low profile. I'll leave all those details out or this post would go on forever. Long story short, he felt guilty for having a relationship with me, so he suddenly went to a bunch of people and told them I made it all up and that I was crazy. He went to my sponsees and anyone who would listen. He even went back to people he had previously admitted the relationship to and tried to convince them that they misunderstood. He began bullying me in the meetings, sitting within 12 inches behind me night after night, making sound effects whenever I shared, stole my keys from my jacket (I even heard them jingle as he took them), waited in the dark by my truck, glared at me and generally talked about me like shit. It's been a full year. I've lost friends over it, because some of his sponsees and other men just believed him without bothering to ask me about it (I have written proof from the guy, plus witnesses who say he confessed it to them a year ago). He went to newcomer women and directed them way from me. He warned men to stay away from me, saying I would hurt them, etc. Most recently he lied in a group conscience meeting to keep them from voting me in for a service position. Fortunately he didn't succeed. This man seriously screwed up my reputation, all in an effort to save his own face. I no longer trust anyone. I no longer have a single close friend. This has all hurt me more than words can express. But let me tell you, I have stayed clean through it all because I have worked my ass off to live the narcotics anonymous program, to STAY in meetings no matter how bad I wanted to run, and to STAY involved in service even though I don't feel like it. Yes the guy is still there. I have to see him all the time. And it does still HURT. But, there has been a silver lining after all. Now I have a message to share that we don't have to use no matter what people do to us, no matter what shitty things happen in life. I have a message that self-respect comes from doing the right things rather than revenge. And I have a message that as time goes by and I keep on doing those right things, the pain gets less and less. The pain is there, but I have to focus on the positives. Please hang in there and don't give up. It will die down and people will see for themselves what kind of person you are. Keep coming back, live the program, and it WILL get better.
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Candy-coated BS: It goes down smooth, but makes me real sick.
I just remembered something . Long time back about 11 years ago I got 13th stepped by a gal with ten years LOL I had 60 days at the time we had our fling for about 2 weeks and she just started going out with other people did'nt bother to tell me good bye or anything just said she was busy and going out with friends, yeah broke my little frail heart and I drank over it.......
Good message daydream that you did'nt need to use over it , we should be able to handle ANYTHING in this program it's rought at times I relapsed again over emotional crap because of a relationship and well even though I like to think it was'nt neccessary in a way it was, I just try to find the good that came out of it rather then beat myself up over doing a bad thing.
Thank you all for sharing on the topic of gossip. I can relate a lot as I have been a target of a lot of gossip and slander, even now sometimes.
When I first started working the steps (I was the first one who worked the steps in my area fellowship then), my sponsor cautioned me, "people will hate you for working the steps..." I did not know why it would be so, especially in NA... and it was hard to believe it then...
Later, when I started sharing at recovery meetings about my experience of working the steps, applying them in my daily life, and what is happening as a result of living them, many did not like it... they all indulged in gossip... saying many untrue things about me to the newcomers and telling them that it is not necessary to work the steps...
I had a desire to work the steps for a long time, as I felt that I kept relapsing after every few days, weeks and months of staying clean, over a period of 5 years in NA, inspite of making meetings everyday, fellowshipping almost 24/7, reading lots of literature, involving myself in homegroup service... When I realized that I need to work the steps, to not relapse, and to recover, not just stay dry clean... and that I need a Sponsor to work the program as I cannot do it alone... I had a dilemma... there was no oldtimer in my town who could guide me thru the steps... I did not know what to do...
Then a member from abroad visited our town and was staying here for a few months. She had an awesome working experience of the steps over a decade. Even though I'm a "he", I promptly took the opportunity that my HP has brought my way and took her as my Sponsor. I'm grateful that I did that. Later on, when she had gone back, and we were meeting online, we both realized that we are in love. We decided to meet in the Himalayas and see how we feel about it. When we both agreed to marry each other, I again had a dilemma. To lose probably the best Sponsor that I could ever get or to lose the only woman I ever loved... I chose her as my wife... She suggested that I take up another Sponsor, and I did...
By my HP's grace, now we are both married happily for over a year and a half, and I found an equally awesome Sponsor online, with whom I have a great and rewarding relationship...
Now, all of you can imagine how much of gossip and slander I would have been subjected to... even now... Why? If I was one of those members, probably I would have also indulged in a gossip with them... quite natural...
In the beginning, I was very scared. Many a times, I would sit and cry all night, hurt from the gossip about me and my wife... from members in the fellowship whom I thought were my true friends... I would ask my HP why, when I love these members so much, they are doing this to me... I was so scared and afraid to go to meetings and face this gossip and slander sometimes that I even thought to give up on marrying my wife, thinking that I would bend and submit to the traditions and conventions of these members so that they will stop gossipping about me and the woman I loved so much, and accept me as a part of them...
But I trusted the power of love, to follow my heart, using my first three steps more than ever before, trusting my HP's loving, caring and compassionate will for me... With the help of my current Sponsor, I turned all these gossip-mongers over to care of my HP, I did not react to any of them... I went to the meetings, I hugged these members, loved them unconditionally as my HP would love me... I shared my heart out at online meetings and with my Sponsor about all the pain that I go thru sometimes due to this gossip... Used Prayer and meditation to get rid of anger, resentments and revenguefulness that I felt for these members... turned all my defects of character that arose as a result of being exposed to such gossip over to my HP, more and more, everyday...
Believe me, for days and probably a few months, these members had only one thing to do in their life, talk as much shit about me as possible, everywhere with everyone... they would sometimes even ignore their family, work, probably even their food and sleep, because they have to meet at the cafe (even at meetings time) and gossip about what's happening in my life, thru out the nights sometimes... and whatever they said and talked about me, would be promptly relayed to me by the other members who called themselves my friends...
However, there were many others, who called me and congraluted me, walked to me and hugged me, said that they were all with me, and were happy for me... and told me not to worry about the gossip... offered their time and energy and support to me... I'm so grateful that all this happened in my recovery as from that experience I was clearly able to see who were the winners, the true and genuine friends and who were the pretenders, the backstabbers that cannot be trusted...
The first thing I was suggested was to tell those who came to me sympathisingly and told me that they cannot believe what they heard about me... before they could tell me what they heard which was their real intention for talking to me, I would tell them, "If you really are a true friend, you would surely not tell me what they were talking about me. So please don't come and tell me anything about the gossip from hereon..."
That did the trick. I was free from the self-defeating defects that trapped me in feelings of hurt, anger and revengefulness. And moreover, I later realized that, in fact, these gossip mongers were the gift of my HP in my recovery, they were my greatest spiritual teachers... For the first time in my recovery, I was able to practice tolerance and acceptance, forgiveness and compassion, unconditional love... If not for them, probably I would have never learnt these things... Thanks to them, I'm a better human being today...
Today, my HP has made me realize that these people who gossip and their gossip get power only when I give that power to them... If I don't react, they lose that power, that high they get from indulging in such things... Now they all are so bored that they couldn't be bothered to gossip about me anymore... Instead, they become happy when they see me, try to be good and pleasing with me... But I don't discriminate them on how they were and how they are... I offer the same smile, hug and love them as my HP wants me too... Whenever, I relive those times, I remember to include them in my prayers... And most importantly, when I say something wrong about someone, in a casual chat at the cafe, I quickly realize how they would feel when they come to hear of it... I admit my mistake, make amends, and try to change my ways... and not indulge in gossip myself...
Everything, even seemingly downright bad things and hurtful and painful things happen in my recovery today, because my HP has a loving, caring and compassionate intention for me behind these experiences... When I surrender to this truth thru my 3rd step, I always realize why these things happen... maybe immediately, or in a day or two, or after a month or year... And when I do realize these divine interventions, I thank my HP, and I am filled with gratitude and joy that my HP gives me these uneasy experiences... Pain, Problems, Crises, Setbacks, Failures, Loss, Grief, Mistakes, even those instances when my defects of character get active... Because only thru all this do I learn those things that my HP feels that I need to... true growth spurs out of these experiences...
And yes, my friends, there was a 13th Step even in Early times of NA, that simply said, "GOD HELP ME". Steps are divine precepts. I would be really glad if we don't use the phrase 13th Step to mean something else... Then again, I know no one means it as a mock at the steps, and if nothing changes, nothing changes...
Thank you all for sharing with me,
I love each one of you dearly and I need you all in my recovery.
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have read a little of what my ex-sponsor/boyfriend has done to me. When he was my sponsor, we were gossiped about terribly. One man even went to tell my grandsponsor (who lives several hours away). Grandsponsor already knew and would not give him a reaction, so the man went to my GREAT-grandsponsor next, trying to stir crap. Those people judged us. Everyone who knew me knew that I was very seriuos about my recovery and that I had not been in a relationship in the 3 years I had lived there. They knew I did not flirt or take up with the men in any way. They also knew I was gay. What they did NOT know was that I had a very serious, life-threatening problem that no woman was comfortable talking to me about (I was in poor health due to bulimia which I could not stop). There was no counselor within 100 miles that could treat this with my restricted insurance. I was desperate and I knew I was dying. This man I chose as my sponsor was my last hope. I chose him because of the message I heard him share. I thought if anyone could understand my bulimia as addiction, it would be him. I was not attracted to any man, so I never thought that would change. Eventually I fell in love with his insides, not his outsides. I was right in asking him to sponsor me. He was the only person who ever was willing to help me apply the steps to it. I continued to struggle with it the whole time he was my sponsor, but I did get much better and regained my health. It probably saved my life. Unfortunately he is the same man that hurt me so badly when we entered a romantic relationship, but I have no regrets that he sponsored me.
Yes, it is usually better for people to have a sponsor of the same sex, but not always. Ordinarily I would be much more attracted to a female sponsor, because I am gay. The people who say to my face how they love me have hurt me very much with the gossip when he was my sponsor and now the gossip about the relationship we had that he now denies. Tahir, thank you for sharing how you have gotten through your pain. I have had virtually no support, no one to share their experience with me, no one who understood my pain. I have had to find my own way. I do have some things to share, but I am now so very grateful to draw upon your experience so that I might continue to climb up this hill. Thank you.
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Candy-coated BS: It goes down smooth, but makes me real sick.
i am so glad i can learn from you addicts the tools i need for my recovery.it is cool the way my spirit gets charged by something so close to what is going on in some area of my life.worldwide fellowship,but the common bond is our unity.
i have judged,and been judged for some of these same issues.it is awesome when i am the judger,and not the judgee how my attitude becomes less spiritual.
when i am judging you,i take the place of the blameless one,like i have a right to.my forgetter works overtime.
i know that every time i walk on water,my ass gets wet.
but you addicts save me from myself.we are each others eyes and ears.one way or another,you guys pull my head out of my ass.
thanks
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dalin a unity means oneity...one god, one fellowship,one sponsor,one program...many gifts
But about that MF whos doing all the 13th work !!!
Gee my first thought is=
I wish i was there to smash the mf"s face !!!!
I hate it when women are taken advantage of in meetings !!!
we had experience here in town ,,, we confronted those that did so,,,,
slowly the message got around that it wasnt recovery to go 13th ing !
Damage has been irreversible however,,, tho I know many women addicts would like to be in recovery,, they prefer to stay in addiction cause of you know what !!
Im glad I never even once did that !!
Force a woman newcomer to have sex or relationship with me by implying that if she didnt,,, she didnt belong in the rooms !!!!
Thank God,,,,,
God Bless all the women addicts that come to NA to have courage to either sock the guys in the face or squeal on em when they try the 13th,,, and most of all that the women be informed they dont have to do that and they have a choice !!!
Just For Today !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
nothing wrong when a man and a woman recoevrers get together on strong spiritual ground !!!!
Basically I understand 13th to be using sex as a tool in carrying the message to a lonely,confused,shivering woman newcomer !!!
Gee man,, ive seen some col chicks in meetings,, with ong clean time and real spiritual,, wanted to be with em but did not know how to ask !!!
Higher Power however has made sure I meet many ,clean and healthy chiks o the outside,,,and i daresay ive not really taken advantage of HPs kindness !!!!
Well at age 45,, Im still learning I hope !!!
Ha,ha,ha !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
""The first thing I was suggested was to tell those who came to me sympathisingly and told me that they cannot believe what they heard about me... before they could tell me what they heard which was their real intention for talking to me, I would tell them, "If you really are a true friend, you would surely not tell me what they were talking about me. So please don't come and tell me anything about the gossip from hereon...""
thats the truning point in many situations for me,,,,even to the extent of shutting off people,, ive told em
no, no,,, dont need to tell me what they told you about me !!
That ends my attachment to familiar pain !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
, but I was just fooling myself. He had no plans for a relationship and after we parted ways he has made his way through a few other newcomer women. Some are sicker than others, and it is hard to not take his inventory, but I pray for him as I have been suggested to do from my sponsor. He now has made it his mission to talk about me at every given chance and has even started a rumor that I am not clean, now that is the gossip that hurts the most. I have 5 months clean now and am very proud of myself. i try not to let the gossip hurt me and hold my head up when inside I am very, very hurt. People will talk and I know that but gossip hurts everyone and has no positive side to it at all. I would never treat anyone like I have been treated by this guy with ten years, at ten years I would hope that I had strong recovery and would not have the need to hurt anyone in such a nasty way. Gossip only hurts people, and can run a newcomers out the door, I have not used becaused I have reached out to my sponsor and other women that have supported me through out these trying times. i want to remind others, gosip hurts very badly, espically when we first come into recovery, I am just learning to deal with feelings without the aid of chemicals to dull fellings like anger, pain, and rejection. Narcotics Anonymous is my family and home now, and for the most part people are very kind and loving, that is why gossip hurts me so much I didn't expect it. Also I want to say that talking about someone even nicely is gossip if they are not present, it can turn ugly sometimes not intentionally. Gossip hurts everyone and it hurt me very badly by someone that tricked into thinking they cared about me as a person, not just for sex. 
