addiction is a power greater than ourselves,,, a destructive enemy of LIFE !!!
As ive seen many addicts confront suicidal thoughts,,, one thing stands clear=
it maybe a manifestation of depression !!!
I suggest you ask your sponsor to be with you when you check out with a psychologist !!!
When my dad died ,, it wasnt expected !!!
Yes hed been hospitalised for heart problems and went thru a bypass,,, but his kidney gave way !!!
That last morning of his,,, i got a call from the hospital to hurry up and get there !!
I dillidallied,,, i wasnt in a hurry because just yesterday theyd told me he was going to be allright !!!
But by God,, i was in for a shock,,,, when i did get to the hospital the doctor said he was dead the last ten minutes !!!
Ever since,, ive regretted that I hadnt heeded their call and took my time getting there !!!
Its been hard for me to accept,,,,,
theres been many times just after his passing away when i wished i knew some Power that could take me back in time and change the scene !!!
So id have been able to be next to him or hold his hand or give him a hug just before he died !!!
I was in real pain and torment !!!
ive had many times when i was feeling like sad,,, but there was no clinical depression to cope with !!!
The practice of Prayer and Meditation,,, from the first days of my recovery has ensured i never have to face depression perse,,, but many times i am indeed obssessed,,, the flip side of the depression coin !!!
My dads death put me in a very weird state of mind,, so much so i used to imagine he was there in the room with me in the spirit,,,i believed his spirit lingered around for two years after his death trying to convey some message to me !!!
those days i was going thru the trauma of ending a very painful marriage and bringing up my daughter of just three years old as a single parent !!
i was thinking my fathers spirit was guiding me to be a good parent,, and the best recovering addict i can be on a daily basis !!!!
Its been 6 years now since Pa passed away and though his memory lingers,,, his spirit isnt around anymore,,, my girls grown up,,, the estate my Pa left us has appreciated considerab;ly and I believe my fathers finally gone to his final resting place about two years ago,,, as i became more responsible !!!
Soemtimes ima t wits end on how to cope with everyday living problems,, you living life on lifes terms and especially relationships challenges my Serenity each and every day of my recovery,,,,,,
So how do i cope,,,,,,
i write,share,Pray and Meditate !!!
Meditate as in asking for an answer !!
God Bless you and hope you are not in the negative thought process anymore !!!
-- Edited by Raman at 14:39, 2006-08-08
-- Edited by Raman at 14:43, 2006-08-08
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I've always been advised (by my therapist) that if I have suicidal thoughts to go to the ER. You might require in-patient treatment to get you through this horrible time in your life. I've always been a daddy's girl so I can imagine the devastation you must be feeling at the loss of your father. You have my greatest sympathy.
they say that suicide is a very selfish gesture because it puts such doubts on the surviors. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? If she loved me why would she do this to me?
I can't think of the right words now. I guess I'm pretty shaken up by your post. I'm highly concerned about you. I'm sure your father would want you to live.
((((((((((Barbara)))))))))) It does get better. I will have you in my prayers.
I was diagnosed for manic depression many years back. I was on medication for many years too. But my depression seemed to be med-resistant and it used to completely disable me for days and weeks together. Many times, I wanted to kill myself, but as you shared, I was scared to attempt it seriously.
Now I'm over a couple of years in recovery and it's been more than a year and a half since I had an serious bout of melancholy or depressive episode. The more I involved myself in daily meetings, shared my hopelessness and melancholic state with the fellowship, started working steps with my sponsor, opened to the possibility of my HP restoring me to sanity and rid me of my depression, got into NA service, and voila, suddenly I realize that all those manic and depressive episodes and the self injury sprees that I indulged in had vanished. This miracle showed me clearly that even downright bad things, no matter how devastating or serious they are, do come to an end, and that some things happen in my recovery today, be it emotional turmoil, a crisis, pain, mistakes, loss followed by grief, failure in my pursuits, they all happened with a loving, caring and compassionate intention of my HP for me. I did not understand what it was and why such and such thing is happening in my life then, but today, I'm grateful that those incidents took place. They gave me an opportunity to overcome some blocks that I had right from my childhood which I could never unlock for years inspite of trying real hard. Today, I'm free from most of them, and hope that I would be free of many other shortcomings that persist in me with complete trust in my HP.
Thank you, Raman and other members who shared about their experience of losing a loved one, as lately I am a bit overly worried about my father being diagnosed of cancer, and have been unnecessarily imagining that he would die now, and I can never have him in my life again. Reading all your shares and my own personal experiences show very clearly that as long as I follow the NA Way, I have nothing to fear. There is Hope!
Thank you all for sharing with me.
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I heard this in a movie the other day and it hit me with some reality and made me question my faith.
"What kind of a God do you have if you fear death".
One time I was watching TBN christian station and a couple were on there and they had lost both of there children one at child birth one at around the age of 7. Would think them to be biter but they said that these tragedys only brought them CLOSER to God not away from .
Just a few thoughts i'm having hope not to offend anyone .
I have thought to kill myself many many times the last time I got sober I was thinking about punching a whole thru my ceiling and tying a rope around the rafters and killing myself, If i had had a gun at the time I would have shot myself i'm sure of that. I've done things that were suicidal I was 5 days away from going home and there was a race riot on the prison yard I was on and I took the frontline position hoping to get killed because I knew that once I left I was going back to the same thing I was doing when I got sent up and I knew I would be back in prison in no time falt, I wanted to die no one would come near me it was as if they could see something in me something very evil.
barbara-im so sorry about your father.feelings of suicide can be a sign of depression,as Raman posted.I take med for depression,personally,and even then,my sister who was 42,died of cancer in 2004,and i still feel devastated.we were close and she was my best friend and a second mother to my three kids.(we dont have many relatives) and we were only year apart in age.
please be careful.i always had a penchant for painkillers too,and i ended up taking about a handful of pills over hours, and hours, and a therapist that i had started seeing felt it was suicidal.i didnt want to admit that it was a passive way of not caring if i didnt wake up or not.its loss that can bring that kind of grief and pain-its been two years since my sister died.i helped in her hospice care until after two weeks she finally passed away,and it haunted me,and its gotten better,but it made me feel even more freakish,because there were so few people who could relate to death.i went to a grief/loss group that was free,and i went at the badgering of my brother in law (my deceased sisters husband) and i didnt want to go,but it ended upbeing the only place that other people could speak of dying and loss.
