Hi ALL :
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1st i need to thank you all and thank who give me reply for my posts.
second im so happy cause i found this place that i can get and ask for recovery.

and now i need to write my Feels and Struggles that i have since long time and did't talk to any one about it.

Here Is My Feels/Struggles :
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1 - i feel so bad cause i dont go meetings but my mind give me reason that i can say if anyone ask me why i dont go meetings
    and here is the reasons :

    A- there is nothing new.
    B- im smart and i can stay clean alone.
    C- its just 1 room in my city and just 4 days in the week.
    D- i dont have car and cell phone right now so i will not look nice cause there is girls. :)
    E- the room is far from me.
    F- i dont know nayone in this room causemy 4 monthes recovery was in another city.

2- i have a secret and never said it to any one also never talk about it to my Sponser and its :
   i take 1 bottel of beer after 1 month of my recovery and know one knows about it and i dont feel bad cause i did't talk
   about it.. but now i really feel that there is something heavy over me and i need to throw it away.
   ( ITS REALLY MY 1ST TIME TALK ABOUT THIS SECRET )

3-  i dont talk/meet  fellows and my mind also give me reasons for it, and here the Reasons :
   
    A- i dont like to talk in phone, i like f2f in real.
    B- i dont have cell phone and also that make me feel that im less.
    C- dont meet fellows in my city cause i dont know moew from them, cause my 4 monthes recovery was in any city.
    D- Nothing New To Do in my City, i did all ( NOTICE I NEVER WENT OUT WITH FELLOWS SINCE I LEFT THE HALFWAY).
    E- Dont Know But I feel that i cant be a friend for the fellow in my City.

4-  im married from Hollandish Girl and she is so sweet and i feel that i hurt her more and better for her to Look
    for anyone else cause i know the truth that i will stay like that my whole life.... and i got marry be4 i go the
    Detox/HalfWay with 1 month and she was in Holland to get papers to finesh our marriage, and now i cant do anything
    to let her back again to me.. cant ask my parents for money to get a home or to live me and her alone cause i dont
    have work and my sponser told me that i cant work till i stay clean for 9 monthes.. and 3 days till now i cant
    talk to her cause i has nothing to do :( .

5-  im so tired and more sex ideas and dont need to do sex with anyone else.

6-  i need to hack any merchant or bank or WU/PP to get good cash and start my life and start legal work then
    and my sponser told me u will take drugs if u did that but i dont beleive that.

7-  sometimes i feel i can startover the NA its EASY.... so i can take for today and start over then ( i know the way ).

8-  if i lost my wife i will really back to drugs cause she's is only sweet thing in my whole life, and she give me hope
    always to still clean and she know the NA as well and she help as she can , and she promised me to help me to go the
    meetings and my 5 things that i must do everyday.

9-  need to try to handle the drugs again and feel that i can do it this once.

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im really happy cause i finally wrote my feel ,, i feel that i already talk to someone now and finally said
my secrets ... and so happy that i found someone hear me :(

and i promise you all and promise any fellow will give me idea or help me : that i will do any suggests without asking Why.

i really miss and loved my halfway friends and i hope that i love you all the same. i know that i must love all the fellows
around the world but i really cant love without meet talking more. but i will try here

and im sorry again for my bad english :) Arabic is my 1st language
waiting any suggests....
and i need online sponser if that can be.

Thx All
Ahmed Noaman
ALexanxdria, EGYPT