I know I must blame myself for our relationship and the turns it has taken. I never should have opened the door to you. We have been through so much together, the good and the bad. When it all started it seemed it was all good when we were together. Even when my world was crumbling, you made it ok. I could face everything in the world with you. You were my best and closest friend. I loved you. I wanted nothing more than to always be with you.
But then things got worse. Instead of making a crumbling world disappear you made the world crumble faster. Why? I thought if only I could marry you and bond you to me for life, all would be great. What happened? Why did you turn on me? I didn’t do anything to hurt you. I got closer and closer with you. And you turned on me so fast. The closer I got to you the worse you started hurting me. I started taking you more and more. Thinking you thought I didn’t love you anymore. The same amount of you as before no longer did anything. I had to have more and more of you to be ok.
Even then things were worse. I was afraid people would see us together. I was the good girl. I couldn’t be seen with you. The closer we got the more I knew I had to hide you. I’m sorry I hid you. I was so happy with you but so scared people would know. You made me happy. And you made me not care when people were mean to me or hurt me. I came crying to you hurt and in pain and you would embrace me with numbness. You made me feel real when I needed to know if I was still even alive.
With you guys, my closest friends, I could make my pain disappear or reappear. I could spend days with one of you and not know what was going on and who I was only to be with the other for moment and know immediately things were real still. I wasn’t in hell below but still in my own living hell. I hadn’t died yet.
It got so bad that I had to have one of you if not both everyday to be ok. Instead of being friends or lovers you took over. You controlled my thoughts, my emotions, my life. I couldn’t go a day without making sure I had a way to see you. You were all I had left in the world. I didn’t have friends, I didn’t have a life anymore. No one cared whether I was ok or not. Not even my own family. You were all I had but even you didn’t care what happened. You made me ignore serious injuries till they caused me irreversible pain. I didn’t know what I was doing, even though I thought I did.
Finally I stopped trying to ignore them. All of the problems you had caused. Friends I was once so close with I didn’t know anymore. Friends I never would have given time were my friends. I didn’t know who to trust or how to trust anymore. I had been hiding too long to know how to be open. I didn’t know how to be me, or feel me. I had spent too long ignoring my feelings and not knowing how to deal with them just putting them away. Now I am stuck with them all and no way of knowing what to do.
Because of all that you have done to me and caused to happen I say good bye. We cant be with each other anymore. You have nearly killed me and gotten me killed to many times. I have passed out because of you, bled for hours because of you, ignored my life, lost friends, and died to myself for the last time. You didn’t care what happened even though you pretended to. Now I say GOOD BYE, GOOD RIDDANCE, GET LOST. Never again will I turn to you. I hate you, I despise you, though I’ll always love you, it feels, I know I cant love you anymore so I wont, I never should have. Don’t come back on me ever again. My door is closed.
