yep,i hate asking for help to.sometimes humilty is really hard when we think we have some sort of control over things.i always hate it when they say it,but i find i am right where i need to be.damnit!

my old sponsor told me that the choices i made in life got me exactly where i was.whether positive or negative depending on my current attitude.ive really learned over time to personalise the steps to truly fit my life today.check out the posting i did on step 6.

i am glad you are here to help feed na unity.we need you.

yeah.

check this....

It was suggested to me tonight to check this out, so here I am. I don't know if i am to be afraid to stay in the program, or to go ahead and put a bullet in my noggin before I get high. Any of this sound familiar? I thought so. Guess what. I'm not alone, what a concept. Doesn't do much for the pain and loneliness however does it? I'm right there with those who posted about life being a living hell. I feel like I have done everything I have been asked, including posting to this damned site. I've been in a constant state of prayer, asking god for guidence. I have done MULTIPLE 4th steps and 5th steps with my sponsor, who tells me how wrong I am doing it so much I can't do another one for fear of finding yet ANOTHER failure in my life, after three years clean. I try to help others, be kind and caring, the 10th step isn't even a thought process anymore I have to use it so much. Obivously, (other than my typing and spelling suck) life is not good, I am still in trouble, and no matter how much I try and double up when the pain comes, I get hit in the head over and over again. I am just tired of the whole mess. And to top it off, I have those "outside issues". Yup you guessed it, bipolar too. I'm one of those "dual diagnosed" types. Circus Freak suits me better.

Yet in all of this, I haven't had to pick up in three years. So that IS a plus, but my question is, is it enough? I mean, my life has improved, but how much do you have to take to get to the happy joyous and free part? I hear I am right where I am supposed to be, just ride it out, 6th and 7th step it, blah blah blah. Then I hear 5 years is tough too, oh yeah, so is 6 years through till you relapse or die.

So.......Why am I still here, and not using. you know the answer to that is I really don't know, but if i gave up, what would be the point of THAT? Man, I hope shell is a chick, because giving cyber hugs to guys is gonna creep me out. *hugs*

Really, I know one thing. I used that little red wagon till the wheels fell off. And I ended up here. In NA. Not using. Hating the feelings that have suddenly sprung up and are kicking my ass. As bad as I hate it sometimes, I wouldn't trade it for the world. God knows, I mean that.

I love you guys, I don't know why i didn't post here sooner. I hope y'all can love me till I love myself. John was right. I needed this one. But there's gonna be more pain. Tired of seeing double on the ^*(&*@$ screen. Peace out.

living life on the edge,,,,,, the NA WAY !!!! WOW !!!

live to love and love to live the NA WAY !!!!!

But ,,, well now ,,,,Im gonna have to share some basics,,, so i get to hear that too !!!

well as far as i know,,, the dsiease ,,,other than the drugs is obssession and all the other habits that go with it !!!!

ive done the same with Prayer too !!!

Ive used a lovely prayer like the Serenity and been repeating it over and over again praying for specifics !!!

When things went my way i was happy and praised God,,, but otherwise i was thinking
"#$$& u God !!!"

I felt like God was playing mischief in my life,,, granting my demands at times and fooling me otherwise !!!

Then I got luck to work the 4th Step with a very good sponsor who had real empathy for me without being attached !!!

After the Fourth,, it was suggested i spend some time each day in TOTAL SILENCE !!

At the time i did not realize this was the antidote to obssession !!

and being in a #$$@&&& hurry all the time !!and being driven by impulsive thinking and complusive action !!!

i believed wrongly that that i was fated to saty that way for the rest of my life,,,, tough clean !!

I dint think Meditation would be effective in my life,,,,I did it anyway !!!!!

 later found it worked for me !~!!

By this time i was obssessing on the Serenity prayer and used it in all areas of my life,,,

indeed id mentally repeated it even during sex and found sex to get all the more satisfying !!!

But there was a missing thing here,,, i couldnt put my finger on it !!!
Then i got an insight from my sponsor,,, i realized i was using the Prayer to control and subdue people and situations in my life rather than aim for Serenity,Courage and Wisdom !!!!

So the whole thing fell into place once i began practicing Silence each and every day !!!

I felt a real sense of control over my life and Serenity and Courage id never felt before !!

It took bout one year of doing Silence each day !!

It corelates to the line in the Basic Text where were told that for Meditation to be ecffective,,, we need to allow the thoughts that arise to die a natural death !!!

Thats nothing but being Silent in the head first and later leading that sort of life !!!

REMEMBER IT SAYS IN THE BASIC TEXT THAT PRAYER IS ASKING GOD  ( OR HIGHER POWER)

FOR GUIDANCE AND MEDITATION IS WAITING FOR THE ANSWER !!

]The answer will be heard only when I am Silent !!!

The most important thing then is to be willing to hear the answer that i sought !!!

Am i ready for that ???

I believe that defects will go only if i get out of the way,,,, and that to happens in its own time !!!

Each day i remember the Ulitmate Promise of NA that I never have to use again,,,,, NO MATTER WHAT !!!

I am an informed addict,,,,,,,

Take care yall !!! and thanks for letting me share !!!