Cody1958 wrote:

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I have 9 days today. I picked up after having alomost 4 years.. It have been bothering me alot because I feel like I failed myself. I am very angry and have been since I came back to the roms. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired.. I think I was out there for 6 months. Its seems that it alot harder to grasp it now.. It use to be easy. Well, I thought I would let you all know anyways.. Cody

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      Hey There Cody...first off welcome back to the program.......I have a very similar experience as I picked up again after nearly 8 years.I found it very hard in the beggining coming back as well.....I felt the same things you did ie...failed myself,failed others,what will people think of me etc...It was only after awhile that I realized that I was trapped in my own self-centredness/arrogance...It was only when I began to see my relapse as a possible tool or experience to help others avoid the same thing. It was only my ego, that was telling me I had failed others(who do I think I am God). The people I believed I had failed, only showed concern and compassion towards me and were glad that I had come back.The idea of what people were thinking about me was also false again people were just glad that I had come back to the program.(at least I thought I knew what people were thinking about me; I'm a mind reader as well...lol :)....Remember this, just because you relapsed you have not lost your ability to recover in fact you still have all the tools for recover within your grasp.In fact you are more fortunate than the newcomer because YOU know it works and you know what to do.The newcomer only has faith that it works, YOU have evidence in your own life that it does...Remember that what all you once had can be yours again,because it is freely given...Pick yourself up, and with desire and commitment you will be back on the path of recovery....Ps...I just celebrated my one year again last Saturday, it can be done.......Warmest Regards...Kevan..."If you live long enough, you'll see that every defeat turns into a victory

that sight may help you out.

We dont have room for anger nor do we handle it well it eats us up inside and when we get angry its probably because other things are going on inside or around us that we want to change.

Finding ways to deal with STUFF can be frustrating and especially difficult to change, it takes work so does sobriety.

We are hard on ourselves , me standing here reading what you've written Cody I think to myself " This guy needs to give himself a break and appreciate his sobriety TODAY" can you say that to yourself when these feeling rise up? try it give yourself a break and a pat on the back .

If your conscounce is killing you then you need to clean your conscounce, but becareful.


Cody sometimes I SHUDDER at memorys and thoughts of things i've done, sometimes it makes me want to use and sometimes I just cry and I mean that, it's hurts so bad and theres so much shame involved.

And i'm still creating wreckage causing harm to others doing things that bring on shame and here iam trying to be a spiritual person but theres a real angry sick side of me that lashs out trying to protect myself from hurt and pain i'm still learning how to deal with that .

All I can say is start each day with a new outlook that your not going to do those things you did in the past today, turn yourself over to the care and direction of a higher power, if that means NA is your higher power today thats a good start, start your day out thinking that just for today i will not use no matter what gear your mind to be ready for the day and have a purpase.