I had a serious problem with cocaine for several years in college and after. I was what you might call a functional addict, because I hid it very well and was still able to maintain a house a good job and a child, all by myself. Finally I knew that it was time to quit. so I came clean with my whole family, who had no clue, started attending meetings regularly and cut all ties with old friends. I was sober for about 9 months from everything. I became very spiritual and felt great. I got on new meds meant to help recovery, wellbutrin. Then about 8 months ago, I went home to new Orleans to see my best friend, who to my knowledge only smoked weed. Well I decided I was all better and could go out with her for a drink, since that had never been a problem for me. Then we ran into one of her friends who had coke, well needless to say, I could not resist. We partied all night and into the morning during which time I met a guy who was also using. We went off and talked for hours I told him I had been sober and he said that's great, this shit is ruining my life, I want to quit too. I went home the next day and we talked on the phone every night and used each other to keep clean, we also fell in love. we got married 2 weeks ago. on our honeymoon in mexico, the stuff was everywhere and we used the excuse that we would only use to celebrate and that would be it. since we've been home, we have used again twice. Niether one of us wants to do it, but we are both addicts. Advice please!
I relapsed on a trip in Costa Rica because I had not fully accepted the fact that I was an addict and the abudance and cheapness of the drugs made it more than I could handle. I have 32 months clean, and have made it a point not to travel to certain places anymore. I still go mostly to restaurants that don't serve alcohol and avoid functions that do, just for me I have no business around the stuff because of my past. My sponsor suggested that I read the first step or parts of it everyday for a month, and eventually it started to sink in this last time how powerless I am over my addiction and that my life was totally unmanageable. The first word in the first step "we", holds a great deal of power, Something about us coming together sharing our experience, strength, and hope and the unity comes from it helps keep me clean today. Thanks for sharing your story. For now, may be best to avoid people, places, and things, go to meetings, read the literature, pray and find a sponsor. It gets better!
Relapse: I have often been told that there is no real relapse, it is just that we want to use and we go back out. I, personally, have relapsed (or just wanted to go back out and use again) twice. The first time I had 20 years clean and chose to go back out. The next time I had 9 months clean and chose to go back out. During the 9 months, I decided I could handle getting high and not go back down to where I was after the previous 4 year run, but was I ever wrong. Looking back now I know that when I went into recovery the previous time I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. My ex-boyfriend had been locked up on a PO violation from which we had been running for over a year and I was completely alone, so I decided to go into detox and then a recovery house, just so I would have a safe place to live, eat, etc. I went to meetings, I had a wonderful NA family, and thought for a long time I was really doing what I was supposed to be doing. The whole time I was still hanging out with my dope dealer and talking to the boyfriend (we were making great plans for his release and what all we would do), then I ended up picking up again. I used by myself, hid it from everyone, my employer, my closest friends, and my NA family. I quit going to meetings, working my steps, etc. and I was using more than previously in just a few days. I tried to justify it, I tried to cut back on my using, I tried to talk myself into quitting, but I just kept using harder and harder. This time I did not lose my house, cars, job, etc., but what I lost this time was much greater. I was quickly losing all of my spirituality and this was the first time this had really happened to me. Losing all the material things was one thing and at one point, I really thought it was my bottom and that I had learned a lesson. Well, for me, no way. I had to try it again. I finally reached a point where I honestly tried to OD and just get out of this misery, but that didn't work. I had finally reached my bottom and reached out for help again. This time seems so totally different than the 2 previous times and so far I have been working the program honestly and getting honest with myself for the first time ever. I will not tell you it is easy, because for me it is really not easy, ever. I still romanticize my using at times and find myself screaming to my new NA friends that I need to talk. I also find myself going down memory lane about my ex-boyfriend and the things we did together and again, find myself screaming for help. This, for me, is a big change as I previously thought I could handle all these feelings by myself and definitely didn't need to share them with others, they would think I was crazy and criticize me for these feelings. Well, that hasn't happened yet and I'm struggling with it everyday it seems, but the amount of time in between is constantly increasing. I stay in my step work, readings, meetings, service work, taking suggestions from others (my best decisions earned me my NA seat) and hanging out with mainly my NA friends. For me, service work is one of the main things that keeps my butt from going back out because it keeps all of those last using days very fresh for me. Today, those last using days scare the hell out of me and when I truly reflect on ALL of my using, not just the fun times, it keeps things alive and real for me, reminding me of where I do not want to end up again. I had to really get honest about the unmanageability in my life when using. I had to get a dictionary and start really learning definitions and honestly looking at how they DID apply to my life. The unmanageability was unbelievable for me when I got honest about things. I even had to go back to my previous step one and compare the two and there was a world of difference . . . honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, truly make the difference in this program and I didn't see it until I had to add more to my story and really get to my bottom, but when the pain got great enough I was willing to make a change. Today, I owe my life to NA and my NA friends who are constantly supporting me and helping me each day. Reach out and take a chance. Using was taking a chance each time we used so why not be willling to take a chance on the people who truly understand up and are willing to help? This is how I had to look at my situation because I knew each time I used a bag of dope I was taking a huge chance (especially with all the deaths in Detroit as the dope was being cut with more anesthesia) and although I was on a suicide mission and at one time wanted some bad dope, I can say today that I am on a mission to learn to live and learn to live without the use of drugs. It's exciting, sometimes very scary, but just for today I am willing to take a chance on this life.
I know this is long, but I have been where you are and tried it. It doesn't work. Maybe you, like I was, have not hit YOUR bottom yet. Everyone has a different bottom and we all have to reach that point before we are willing to make a change. Just remember, when the pain gets great enough you'll be willing to do something different and that there are 3 doors in NA: in, out, and in again. You should always be welcomed back when you are ready, and even if you are not ready, keep coming to meetings - try to let the program start to work you. Maybe your bottom won't be too far off and things will start to change. Everyone's bottom is different. This program definitely works, but you have to work it, too. Please feel free to e-mail me at anytime if you would like and we'll continue talking. This is an excellent topic to keep online though. Thanks for letting me share.
Some people dont like using the word "SLIP" either but Dr Bob used it in his story in the AA big book.
There are things that LEAD us up to a relapse and using, as we SLIP slowly back into relapse territory then take the plunge.
RE lapse think about it.
This is the most IMPORTANT sentence you wrote and your going to be a success because of this:
This time seems so totally different than the 2 previous times and so far I have been working the program honestly and getting honest with myself for the first time ever.
I just read your response and cried steadily, as I know every word you wrote was from your heart and true. However, I am now married to an addict who has never worked a program of any type and is sceptical about the steps. I know I have to take care of me first, but I do love this man and know if he could just get off the drugs our marriage would work. But at present he is out of a job and is really not a good influence for me to be around. I don't believe in divorce and want to help him so bad. But instead, he is dragging me down with him. He has a medical deformity of the spine which started in adolescents. His doctor put him on loratab and he has abused them for 14 years along with every other substance known to man. So whenever I think he has had enough and wants to get clean, cause he sais so, the next day he talks his way out of it by using his back pain as an excuse. He is not honest with himself, much less me. To be honest, he is more honest about his addiction and wanting to quit when he is high. What should I do?
wow, baby girl you said a mouth full!Relapse is a cunning , baffling powerful force that uses disguises, other paths that a normal person would no way it think that it would lead to drugs, the problems is that we as adddicts have this homing device, if there is one addict in a room full of people, we gravitate to them, by GOD we are them. Getting married is a wonderful thing, a life partner and like it or not was also you running partner. Relapse can become a pattern, go for a while and almost reward yourself the only play we know, get high. If your not in a good space and neither is your siginifant other you off before, it's even thought about. I've ofter said when I"M on automatic I'm in my disease, it's when I take the time to stop, look and listen , to others that have been there as much as I have at least I don't like to admit that I don't have all the answers, but asking for help pays off. I also relapsed for 6 days, and believe it or not i saw the Girl that is currently my sponsor at the 99 cent storer, it's a little shop we have here in Florida, GOD is good, we talked for 2 hours GOD keept putting her into my life at difficult times, I finally got the nerve to ask her to sponsor , she has me doing daily tasks, a 10th step, I journal I also use a daily inventory to assess if I'm in GOD's will or mine that is very helpful to me. The rest is up to you now 90 in 90, and then do 90 more.
GEt and use a sponsor have a support group, woman only, use the phone all the time, we have to work, shit we worked to get high turn it around the surviver in us is still there, we just have to do positive things. we are still there, just turn it around and for GOD'S just don't pick up it's kinda like having faith blind faith, as we handed our money to the dope boy we had faith that he would bring our dope back, turn it around GOD is large and in charge. Journal, I do every day, I read my Just for Today read the page that goes with and journal, it's wonderful all the posion that comes out. Going to meetings are good, but get involved, even it it's just making coffe and taking out tthe garbage. your doing great just talkin about it, that in it's self takes courage, and please don;t take this wrong. some meetings you need to be by you self. You understand once you'll go . I hope I've helped that's all I ever want to do. GOD is so good to me and I pray that you'll be able to bask in HIS love also. Good luck on the new marriage. Love to you both the Fellowship lives in and all around us. GOD bless. Love Barbara P
