i recently had put myself in rehab for vicodin addiction.i started out taking it for migraines and ended totally addicted and out of control with it.i finally got into enough trouble that without going into detail,i left my job. the only thing that made me feel like a human being again,and helped me to cope with forgiving myself was going to twelve step meetings.i had no money saved because i was compulsive and dysfuntional with money,and after years of work,i have nothing to show for it.this is also part of the addiction over the last many years,because even when the chemical wasnt in my body,the behavior and thinking always were,and always will be.those meetings are miracles,and they work.i still have a hard time making myself go to meetings because the manipulation of the disease is always there,but once i get in the door,i know i BELONG in those meetings.theres so much denial to the cunningness of the disease of addiction.it leads to pain prison or death.its always a progressive downward spiral.i can get another job,but i will always know i lost the last one because i was seeped in compulsion,and i became a liar.the length you go to cross those lines of dishonesty is frightening.the total paralysing fear of losing control and knowing for the first time that you cannot stop craving and using the drug,is chilling.the shame and self loathing is not condusive to life.it can get as far as considering suicide an option.thank God,i am pulling myself together and i havent had any vicodin since mar 24.i still think about it,but im still hopeful to keep making myself use the meetings to see the reality of what will happen down the road as you age and your addicton continues to progress and age with you.every day i thank God for sobriety.when i met others in rehab i realized that there eventually would have been thoughts of progressively looking for something stronger.as it was, i was swallowing handfuls of vicodin anyway,and looking at different ways to get more.i never got into going thru the internet pharmacies,because i would take so many pills at one time,every hour,that if i had more than one prescription at a time,i probably would have overdosed.at times i would go into a deep sleep and feel myself barely remembering to take a breath.pills are extremely easy to hide,and easy to just put into your mouth,not see,and not think about.its harder for people to see that youre high,and it doesnt smell,like alcohol.all of this adds up to nobody knowing you need help.one of the lows i had was when my 24 yr old son broke his ankle so badly he had surgery,and he stayed with me for a few weeks so i could help him.i stole many of his vicodin pills and lied about it,he knew i was the only one who was at home to steal them and i still denied taking them.thats an ugly low when you ll sit there and lie to your kids,and its sick.those meetings are the only anonymous place i would ever repeat anything like this.people will judge you,and you feel criminal when you finally become honest and look back at the behavior that was there.the vicodin made me relax,made me feel outgoing,and it gave me a false sense of well being and i loved the euphoria.none of that was there when i became sick.just shame shock and pain,and most of all FEAR.ill never forget this part of my life and ive always been hard on myself with little family and little support,combined with tremendous isolation.i was,like others,ritualistic,and enjoyed being home alone at night,and taking a full presciption until it ran out.i would take so much i would gag and be extremely nauseated and still take more.i only got thirty days of rehab,because since i left my job, my health benefits ran out,so im grateful for what i got there,but the meetings are forever,and there's nothing that can replace the acceptance you will get there.there will be people to love and understand you,and no matter where ive attended a meeting,that is always consistant that ive felt needed and understood.thank you for this opportunity to share,for the sake of my recovery and yours.God bless.
hiya well done, you have joined a fellowship that will not only save your life but give you one, i was totally hopeless when i arrived now things are very different, meetings are only a part of the programme, im sure as you progress on your journey you will see the answer is in the steps, Godbless and good luck on your path, Love in fellowship BIG NICK
One of the first things i got to do in rehab was read the Basic Text of NA !!!
Therin i found the experience strenght and hope to believe i can recover !!!
Id had enogh of smack,tabs and booze and grass but didnt know till i read those personal stories and the first part.
Then i felt a sense of empathy,,,, it was like meeting friends who id never met yet !!!
Then in order to get honest about who i am and where im at,, they got me to write about myself !!!
I did the fisrt Step and saw how I was powerless even without the dugs,,, and how really really unmanageable my life had indeed become !!
I was really feeling crazy,, not knowing even the differance between the thoughts i had and my feelings !!!
I believe id first lost it on my first LSd trip,,,,
the kept repeating till i went out there someplace,,,,
Im glad the Step are there,, they are the solution to the deadly disease of addiction !!!
now im at a point in life recovering clean and serene for sometime now,,, got a good career as a musician and saxophonist,,, got to do all the Steps with a sponsor,,,
im also a single parent of my darling girl,,, an NA baby !!!
She was born when my life inspite of being clean was bleak !!!
Now divorced i have complete custody of her and spend time with her each day,,,
she brings me to realize the truth in the song WONDERFUL WORLD where it says
'"I HEAR BABIES CRY,,,
I WATCH THEM GROW,,
THEYLL LEARN MUCH MORE THAN ILL EVER KNOW,,
AND I SEZ TO MYSELF ITS A WONDERFUL WORLD !!!"
By God,, im in no way exagerating when i say
I LOVE TO LIVE AND LIVE TO LOVE THE NA WAY !!!!!
And this is a most interesting and wonderful site and wish John and you all the best of NA luck,, and till my next post and till i read your next one,,, goodbye and take care !!!
Love and hugs !!!
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I started using at 26 after being shot in a carjack attempt. I was one of those guys that did everything right. I worked hard and put myself through college and became a VP at the bank I was working for and even did volunter work on the side. I never felt I desrved what happened to me and played the victim role for a long time, which is a passive role and I accomplished nothing. Anyway, I usually don't share what drugs I took because it doesn't really matter, but I was a pill junkie and felt well desrved to take them. Eventually I was taking more than prescribed and when those ran out branched out to other things, anything to get high. I always thought I was different than most in the meetings because of my cirsumstances, but like most addicts drugs were my number one goal. I threw away everything I had worked so hard for, career, home, friends, etc. It took me 3 overdoses and 4 rehabds to evetually realize I was completely powerless, out-of-control, and my life was totally unmanageable. Today, I understand and believe I am not responsible for my addiction, but 100% responsible for my recovery. I had lost my support system, and the only encouragement I found was in the rooms of NA. Folks loved me, hugged me, and listened to and cared about what was going on with me. Through working the steps and having faith in my Higher Power I again have a life, 100 times better than I ever had before. Today, I have coping skills in my daily maintainance which is my defense against getting high. Something goes wrong I journal, pray, go to metings, read my literature, and reach out to another recovering addict in the program, especially my sponsor, and always find relief. I am so proud you are able to share your story and found comfort in the meeting places of NA. It does get better, so do keep coming back.
