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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> MISERABLE AND FUCKED UP HEAD
Post Info TOPIC: MISERABLE AND FUCKED UP HEAD
Shell5


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MISERABLE AND FUCKED UP HEAD
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Hello, I just got my 5 year chip and I have never been so miserable in my life.  God, what a living hell.   My thinking is soooooooooooo fu.....ed up it's not even funny.  I have gone to a meeting and expressed my feelings.  I usually go to 3 meetings a week still.  I'm such a perfectionsist and type A personality.  And no, I do not want to use or drink.  My mind has gone to suicide though.  I have talked to others in the program.  One person in mind who has 30+ years said he had suicidal thoughts at 5yrs and 11 yrs.  Apparently, they went away and he stayed sober.  Man, life is real.  I think part of the issue is that I have never really ever been happy and I don't know how for any length of time.  I'm 37 and don't know how to be happy.  What a trip. 


I've been doing lots of praying.  Praying for people in the program.  Inventory work.  It's a God thing that someone emailed me this site and said to join in.  I'm a caretaker by heart.  The first think I found myself doing was looking for someone to help.  I thought to myself, I need to talk about what is going on with me.  Sometimes I think I "SHOULD BE" better  off than where I'm at or that I "Shouln't" talk about these negative things at the meetings as I have actually heard 1 oldtimer say that it could make the newcombers not want to come back.  This is the truth and where I'm at.  This isn't where I like to be or where I feel good at.  I really have been praying hard and working with others, making meetings. 


If anyone out there can relate to what I'm going through, I'd love to hear some feedback.



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starlightwoman1


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Dear Shell, I've dealt with depression for so long.I take medicine,I know its hereditary,and i grew up in an envirement full of dysfunction and addiction,so it doesnt surprise me to live with it,but im 46 and it took me so long in life to realize ill be living with it just like i have to live with accepting im an addict.suicidal thoughts can be addictive.i believe it naturally goes with addictive personalities because its realisitc to think of it as an option when you are down and in despair.i admire you for pressing on and staying in those meetings and getting yourself there.you are being graphically honest,dont let the old timers say you shouldnt be that honest,because its that deligant honesty that gets you well.i believe you are doing whatever you can and going to every length for your sobriety,or you wouldnt work so hard to get to those meetings.that is so commendable.it sucks to have an addictive personality and that compulsiveness and addiction has brought me alot of self loathing and pain.i do take medicine and ill be going to counseling as well,soon.dont give up.keep going to meetings.the reality is in those meetings.take care,write if you would like.cheryl

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the tongue is the pen of the heart
Raman


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First off,, id like to share that NA is not an object,, its a living, breathing entity !!


The rooms are packed with addicts looking for recovery and whats good for one may not be so for another !!!


Ther are no right or wrong answers,,,,, wisdom comes when im living the Program !!!
That said,, next i believe its most important to have a sponsor and also get to the writing habit !!!

The pen is mighty when it comes to dealing with negative feelings and thoughts,,,its worked in my life better than ever before,,,


i use writing bnecause sgaring graphic details about negatives can stress listeners and basically we need someone to hear us out !!!


Ive never experienced a problem not going away after writing about it !!


It works,,,,, and always !!!



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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Tipdaman


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Dear Shell,

I have found that working the steps with a sponsor helps me quite a bit! Sometimes you have to continue to work them more than once. We can't keep what we have if we don't give it back! I also found that you must be specific in your prayers, I ask God to send the right people/situations into my life when I am struggling. this may or may not include some medical help for your depression. I personally don't have those issues my Father does and he has even been able to take some herbal medication called Same with some sucess. There are alternatives, tap into God and tap into your resourses. Some of us are born with a chemical imbalance that can only be arrested with treatment just like the program IT ONLY WOPRKS IF YOU WORK IT! Peace N Blessings Marc

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Marc
dontdeserveit


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I can relate to exactly what you are saying. I was told also to write about it -- there is one problem though how?? There is so much that spins around in that head of mine, that it is so tough just to get 2 thoughts together. I have 3 yrs on aug 1st. and it seems like it is nothing but anger and frustration going on-- where is all the happy joyous and free crap feeling at. I am happy that I do not use anymore sure, but shouldnt I feel better about life now? I just wanna let you know believe it or not you are not hte only one that is miserable and f%#@@d up!! ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! And yes I have to scream it sometimes.

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BigV


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I was just coming up on 6 years and relapsed I was allowing people, places, things and situations OWN ME and it was driving me nuts for almost a year. 


 


 I started to going to meetings even joined a church group , got a sponsor, started working the steps again, but nothing seemed to be working, I just wanted a reprieve from it all and started taking pain pills justifying my useage because I was in so much emotional turmoil constantly.


That mood and mind altering chemical set of the compulsion in me to return to my drugs of choice crack and alcohol, only one night out i'm back now it was a major wakeup call for me, and a big let down over having to start over but at least now I see I cannot let myself get that way again, do something NOW before you get back in the elevator and take it to the basement.



-- Edited by BigV at 11:36, 2006-07-17

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It's all about spirituality...
Raman


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sometimes when the tension and obssession is real big,, i go someplace where no one can hear me and shout at the top of my voice


"F,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"


This of course in addition to repeating the Serenity Prayer,,, writing down and  sitting Silently for the Answer !!!


Its like one prayer repetition at a time, one thought at a time and so on !!


Sometimes when the thoughts are real fast and all i just sit down and look at the scene in my head ,,,,,


and i tell myself


 my name is Raman and I am an addict clean and serene in Narcotics Anonymous        ,,,,,,,,,,,here i am ,,,,,and i have this thought ,,


and then i write it down or think it out !!


its like the time when i went back in my life,,, and looked at certain events and incidents that were stuck in my head.


I wrote that incident down and  then the thought !!!


take for example a time when i was in a concert=


my friend finishes his solo and i hear the crowd clapping


And i have this thought
"""'f,,,,, WHY DIDNT THEY CLAP FOR ME!!"""


This sort of soul searching led me to the conclusion that those thoughts when nurtured lead to conflict,mischief etc !!!


Because it was based in jealousy !!!


So on and on i did an inventory and was free later after i admitted it to my innermost self, to God and another recovering addict !!!


It works like nothing else for me !!


 


 



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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
dalin


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when i had 5 years clean i had a stroke.i lost memory,the ability to walk,and alot of other things.


now i know the saying........that noise that happens at 5 years is your head coming out of your ass..........but damn


as time has passed i have really learned to give up self pity and ego and learned to be a part of.



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dalin a unity means oneity...one god, one fellowship,one sponsor,one program...many gifts
Raman


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dalin,, im giving you a cyber hug now and want to say Im proud to know you and with you in your courage !!!


few months ago i was laid out in a hospital bed ,,, pancritis,, gall bladder gone to hell etc !!!


I was wondering why it should happen to me,,, but like the self pity went away after Meditation Prayer and sharing with other addicts !!!


Im quite allright now and the constant stomach ache has left me,, hopefully forever,,,,, and im really concious about my diet !!!


However sometimes i eat way too late,, do fried stuff, sweet stuff and thats my head listening to addiction,,,cause its the thought


'EATING THAT CAKES GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL NICE" thats causing the mischief !!!


Thanks for letting me share at least one destructive thought today !!1


God Bless you !!!



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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
John


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I've been clean for 16 1/2 years...


I was told if I joined NA I would get clean and I and my life would get better...


I joined NA, and I got clean...


And found out how sick I was... very sick in many ways, in some ways for a very long time.


Life got really different first,... only after I learned how to live within the framework of different did I or life get better...


The dope man use to give me a freebie from time to time, just to generate my desire for more, to get me chasing the next one...


I wish I could give you a freebie of my recovery today... just a small piece of it...


I know it would generate a desire for more.... 


John



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BigV


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I'm finding more and more out about myself everyday is a practice sesion sometimes I fail or fall apart over things and sometimes I am able to get thru them without falling, I don't need to fall again just walk thru it sometimes thats painfully hard.

Time for a meeting, thanks guys

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It's all about spirituality...
starlightwoman1


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John-that is such a great way to put it- I feel like thats exactly what I'm going to have to learn,is to "live within the framework of different" I feel like it may be the only way I can relate to myself.I'm trying to understand acceptance.I'll be going back to working with my sponsor again soon,and I know I'll be exploring this.I'm so grateful I'm not using pills right now.It scares me to think of my behaviors and compulsions in the past,with or without highs.I use to dream of stealing for so many years,I felt like I must have been a kleptomaniac inside and then now i realized i even dreamed compulsion.I havent touched any pills since mar 24 and even this afternoon I dreamed of having a prescription of painkillers.it does sort of stay in your subconscious.your an inspiration to be sober all those years,and also that you share that good new with us,so we can chase away despair.thank you.

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the tongue is the pen of the heart
Callie B


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hi i'm callie i'm an addict, i just had a absolutely miserable weekend, found out the man i love (that's married) is also seeing others...i want to kill him, i found all of this by him being arrested this weekend, after having his wifes car stolen, when the cops came, they ran a check on him...turns out he had a warrant out for failure to appear in court, my purse was in the car, therefore my keys to my car were in it too, i have both of his phones, and found out a lot....he had the nerve to tell me to call his WIFE....and my dumbass did it, (well i texted her and said i was someone else) i've been believing all theses lies about him and his wife and i'm about to die....my heart is shattered, i want to just go out and charge up all of his credit cards, tell his wife all that i know, all sorts of drastic mean spirited measures, he takes care of me financially, i've been out of work since Nov 2005, living with friend and her family i'm about to lose my mind...he was release today, and i acted as if nothing was wrong, call myself thinking smartly, since i still need his help to get my car keys etc...but don't know how i'll react when i actually see him....help me...i don't want to use, but when i act out, that's what usually happens, haven't been to a meeting since last sunday...cant call anybody in my network because my phone is gone! help me somebody, im just dying on the inside.....i'm miserable and fucked up too!



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Recovering addict with 13 + months clean time. In desparate need of help.
Callie B


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i'm not sure exactly how this message board works i need help.


hi i'm callie i'm an addict, i just had a absolutely miserable weekend, found out the man i love (that's married) is also seeing others...i want to kill him, i found all of this by him being arrested this weekend, after having his wifes car stolen, when the cops came, they ran a check on him...turns out he had a warrant out for failure to appear in court, my purse was in the car, therefore my keys to my car were in it too, i have both of his phones, and found out a lot....he had the nerve to tell me to call his WIFE....and my dumbass did it, (well i texted her and said i was someone else) i've been believing all theses lies about him and his wife and i'm about to die....my heart is shattered, i want to just go out and charge up all of his credit cards, tell his wife all that i know, all sorts of drastic mean spirited measures, he takes care of me financially, i've been out of work since Nov 2005, living with friend and her family i'm about to lose my mind...he was release today, and i acted as if nothing was wrong, call myself thinking smartly, since i still need his help to get my car keys etc...but don't know how i'll react when i actually see him....help me...i don't want to use, but when i act out, that's what usually happens, haven't been to a meeting since last sunday...cant call anybody in my network because my phone is gone! help me somebody, im just dying on the inside.....i'm miserable and fucked up too!



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Recovering addict with 13 + months clean time. In desparate need of help.
dalin


Senior Member

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hope you are ok.

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dalin a unity means oneity...one god, one fellowship,one sponsor,one program...many gifts
dalin


Senior Member

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Posts: 616
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let me know if your still here

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dalin a unity means oneity...one god, one fellowship,one sponsor,one program...many gifts
Brett thomas


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It was suggested to me tonight to check this out, so here I am. I don't know if i am to be afraid to stay in the program, or to go ahead and put a bullet in my noggin before I get high. Any of this sound familiar? I thought so. Guess what. I'm not alone, what a concept. Doesn't do much for the pain and loneliness however does it? I'm right there with those who posted about life being a living hell. I feel like I have done everything I have been asked, including posting to this damned site. I've been in a constant state of prayer, asking god for guidence. I have done MULTIPLE 4th steps and 5th steps with my sponsor, who tells me how wrong I am doing it so much I can't do another one for fear of finding yet ANOTHER failure in my life, after three years clean. I try to help others, be kind and caring, the 10th step isn't even a thought process anymore I have to use it so much. Obivously, (other than my typing and spelling suck) life is not good, I am still in trouble, and no matter how much I try and double up when the pain comes, I get hit in the head over and over again. I am just tired of the whole mess. And to top it off, I have those "outside issues". Yup you guessed it, bipolar too. I'm one of those "dual diagnosed" types. Circus Freak suits me better.


Yet in all of this, I haven't had to pick up in three years. So that IS a plus, but my question is, is it enough? I mean, my life has improved, but how much do you have to take to get to the happy joyous and free part? I hear I am right where I am supposed to be, just ride it out, 6th and 7th step it, blah blah blah. Then I hear 5 years is tough too, oh yeah, so is 6 years through till you relapse or die.


So.......Why am I still here, and not using. you know the answer to that is I really don't know, but if i gave up, what would be the point of THAT? Man, I hope shell is a chick, because giving cyber hugs to guys is gonna creep me out. *hugs*


Really, I know one thing. I used that little red wagon till the wheels fell off. And I ended up here. In NA. Not using. Hating the feelings that have suddenly sprung up and are kicking my ass. As bad as I hate it sometimes, I wouldn't trade it for the world. God knows, I mean that.


 


I love you guys, I don't know why i didn't post here sooner. I hope y'all can love me till I love myself. John was right. I needed this one. But there's gonna be more pain. Tired of seeing double on the ^*(&^(*@$ screen. Peace out.



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