hi. i am 49 years old and have just come out of yet another relapse. i got into recovery about 5 years ago. the first time i relapsed it was because i did not understand the program. the second time it just snuck up on me i had been clean for a year+, thought i had a good program - i was at a dinner, there was wine, i drank a glass - next day back into a meeting. i stayed clean for about 2 years after that time then got into a relationship with someone who used. i stayed clean for about 6 months, stopped going to meetings, stopped calling my friends in na, one day it made sense for me to use. i finally left that relationship (sort of, at least i moved out) on Sept. 27th of last year. i stayed clean for awhile. i had lost everything. i was homeless, jobless - everything the book talks about. I had not had that experience. i was still (and am still) keeping connected with the man i had left. i kept tryingf to restart my life but just couldn't get anything going. finally i ended up staying with a friend - he is a heroin addict - i had nowhere else to stay. pretty soon i was smoking heroin and eating vicodin. i did a geographic. i left and guess what? my friend i am staying with is a prescription addict. pills waiting for me when i arrived. but something weird is happening. i have only been taking 1/2 a pill at night to sleep ( i have back problems) but it is making me feel really weird - i feel like i did when i used to use meth - 19 years ago! instead of making me feel calm and relieved i feel wired and anxious. well, i guess this is proof that i cannot use drugs of any kind. anyhow here i am, clean 3 days now and ina a strange place with no familiar meetings. Help! I do not want to use anymore. I hate feeling this way. i am too damn old to feel this way. Serenity please!
Hi Kitten; welcome home. I looked at your profile and see that your in Nothern Cal. So am I. I got clean in Concord and now live in the Sacrmento Area. There's alot of good recovery in Northern Ca. If your having trouble finding a meeting go to www.na.org and follow the links to the meeting locator. Good luck and please keep posting. Bob. You never have to use again.
Hi unfortunately I am in an area that has one NA meeting a week - I am in the country! But I will keep communicating via these posts. Thanks to anyone who replies. Any insight or experience? I am working Step One again and can't figure out what I am not surrendering to. Every time I came back I thought I was surrendering more deeply. What am I holding out for?
I found that I was holding out for this to not be true. Hoping against hope that there was some other way, preferably one that included not having to look deeply at myself, and definitely one that allowed me to still use the things I wanted to use and just alleviate the pain and misery. I still find myself hoping for this at times. I know that I found no freedom until I accepted that I am an addict AND that the NA way was my only hope for recovery. When I accept that I am free. Thank you for you post and thanks for listening to my experience with where you are at.
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Change is much less painful when I embrace it as an opportunity to grow.
