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Post Info TOPIC: Vvriting of the day?

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Vvriting of the day?

## One of these truths attempted suppressed and in that causing massive relapses and people stuck in drug addictions etc.

//note hovv the vvriting is like consumed - not by the individuals reading but vvhat connects through; I did think a vvhile back vve probably could feed the hunger instead of such eating souls/beings - partially by vvriting and such. May be part of vvhat 4th/5th step is? I knovv not, but vvhat I do mean is that this be like similar as the desire/craving/hunger cancels out as resolvement forms. I don't much like vvriting though.. (sure.. vvould if it vvas in balance and all and not too much, but it aint)//


## Music I listen to


## Discrimination and the disease 



## Dad shovved up and visibly, hovv things are perceived, - I am obviously the vvrongdoer and also being manipulated, little by little, into the denial - spreading and infecting as a disease 

May every child of alcoholics be sterilized unless in recovery and that at depth not just to some point, for its the scariest experience to be exposed to that denial. I vvas hurt so much you vvould barely believe it and still am being every single day. I vvas also hurt by the denial before psychiatric systems became part of all that - denial about vvhat they vvere doing, self-illusion, various denial and suppression of neurality forming events and not forming things (paths of resolvement that vvould be blocked yet still there thus flovving but not able to flovv to me (I carry part in that as I vvas born and there be too many children/humans in this vvorld - thus it vvrongful to be born and I sick at some deeper level for being born. Quite literally (I carry part in being born, thus I am at error at some level for being part of coming to be - its just honest stepvvork even if its a bit horrible - thus I carry part in the dysfunction forming as I vvas born, partially consuming that I as an individual am immersed in a circumstance vvhere a mother and father exist - something I consume from even as I am massively fixated, completely and utterly stuck and that one can imagine to the benefit/control-gain/"feeding hand" of various factors (I am a bit tired of dear mother and father being blamed, like proxies, but there are layers of that to it. But I am absolutely povverless, completely enabled, vvith things I admin I cannot allow being harmed and such things)))).

// and there be a beautiful layer amidst it all, partially the dad to me at some level - some spark of light somewhere in there - actually caring and at some deeper level part of me vvriting this.. This comment I added before adding part about hovv I vvas hurt before psychiatric systems became part of that harming - and this highlighting of comment added I vvrote after I pointed out that I carry part in being born but some part I could suddenly not remember until I vvrote the comment, and then I vvrote on (part I could not vvrite) and then I vvrite this about part of being massively fixated, completely and utterly stuck vvith intention of vvriting something //

PS I am experiencing subliminal threats and terror and various things. Its a very vveird situation. Dear vvorkaholic ACA dad - please go to some hell but die first, perhaps then not in the vvay of life of me - but I am truly grateful I am sterilized though I am truly not grateful to psychiatric systems even as dear old man (probably also relying on this response, manipulative control psycho (in denial about it, to him he is innocent child like person alvvays good and providing money and such (never mind causing the need for providing the money as a major factor, but that's impossible to mention)))  is pushing me tovvards denial about these and providing the harvest of harm of me to them (then I vvould probably continue being alive). The hatred I feel. You knovv, those closest to us can harm us the most. Hatred is not there, strangely, there is just a sadness? Fear? Loss? Scared of nation misusing relationality that much? Fear of inability to talk and denial about hovv it is elsevvhere? About completely ruined youth and set up for massive health damages and supposed to just ignore it all and end up I cannot even talk? I feel, so used. So extremely used, by larger reality also than just this planet (see hovv it like eats me (through vvords) and convinces me? (i.e. since its also larger vvorld and it all then area is not at fault and since .. and so .. and then I just must be .. and consuming and abusivity and such continues)). I fear being in the rest of the vvorld also, denial about endeavors also elsewhere, damages, inabilities, "securities in place", - its literally very abusive. Causes rationalization on abuse. Very costly. Lots of suffering, misery not to mention deaths and financial drains - but as long as one can "get avvay vvith it" apparently (and here be justice ideas and revenge ideas and other stupidities). One cannot alvvays trust recovery in local areas - fears of harm that may incur to family and loved ones and such < here I am being like talked into a relapse but its kinda also a truth. "see I am in control" and the ability to observe self being like eaten into and possessed. Did not take long from I landed (see, its all here, no problem elsewhere ("best be in denial about that after all..")). 

Ruined me, its all fucking ruined. < triggered neurality of svvearing as much intrained probably using dear old mother vvhen I vvas a teen moreso than it being her. Unable to continue due to activated neural structuring and likelihood of various not so good things from that..

Oh, there be a layer of.. Attempted pointing it all at parents, medical system and psychiatry not at fault and its just me in denial and evil family. Greater land area not part of things. Other people not part of things. Some people not part of things. Induced denial growth etc.

One thing I am certain of: being vvith vvants and desires must decrease in me, but also in surrounds as that forms vvhat occurs in me. As occurs by Tao - being ever removed all (not just vvorldly as in material, physical, 5-sense) vvantings/seekings from (sadly by horror some means?).

I look ahead to marrying a vvoman though its certainly vvanted that I don't - all the damage is so much less inconvenient as suddenly caring for a vvoman financially, being able to be vvith a vvoman in a marriage and such not massively unsafe, losses of control and distances such as travel not so relevant (out-groups not in contact vvith vvrongdoings tovvards people in-group),
< such parts dad don't see happening.. Thats ignored.. Then its all choice of me as I die, am suppressed, choose monkshood or something to make the bad not be, or keep vvriting or am upheld or generally such things (seeking driven instead of recovery/by God/right by all i.e. aligned and such)

.. and novv some parts almost vvere ignored - various attempts at denial of not too closely related out of and vvhat that causes, things like not okay I be labeled nor consumed by such as educational systems using a vvoman, nope not a vvoman vvith a child and indeed a vvoman chaste (ever decreasing pool - very inconvenient for keeping hurting me and denying things and harm to me and using me and such), "she could just die" (or me for that matter), trying to ignore likely future health damages as I do need be healthy and attractive and a good husband and such, .. As long as I am alive and not - vvithout dying - exiting this material physical reality a vvoman is the right path even as that may be attempted to forced to be different, a lot of the vvrongs suddenly a bit more visibly an issue and actually does matter and very vvrong upon me, denial about integrity and that just could be ignored, denial about similar of age (no, I am not interested in some younger certainly nor older vvoman (vvould cause certain negative things to try reserve a younger vvoman for marriage and such a virgin - its creepy - such are for others of same age also virgin and such..), trying to deny layers of arranging (may be something in medical system about this < novv I am paranoid apparently),  

< some uncomfortable things making it hard to read - imperfection and all and different people need different degrees of integrity moreso than others.. Including me and I do need brush up on anonymity and vvhat is like stored here even as I am and vvas povverless < indeed very grateful also. 

.. novv its all very important this all put in a privnote self-deleting after 30 days or so..

and various other points of integrity vvhen it comes to vvoman and marriage and sex - and no you cannot rape me (novv its suddenly fault of sex and desire and lust and vvanting < novv the "inconvenience" is attributed to vvanting trying to ignore the logic about it) nor vvoman if there even exists one such and if there does not then its just too fucking bad for ye all - ya vvill just need to cope vvith hovv things are. .. various attempts at ignoring and denying things about vvomen and marriage and that by like me being put avvay and it absolutely impossible or that used to drive me to certain money making or only money good enough (oh here is a beauty of dad, he seem angry at some level also - he began non profit vvork not to long ago even as its very much a misuse of non-profit structure vvith profit for in-group (pacifying misuse, must become real non-profit - recovery possibility).. or attempts at forcing children coming to be (can possibly make an AI but not kids nor adopting no - sponsorship system is avvesome should grand-sponsees be vvanted but then such much sponsor first - anonymity and not misusing programme to inherit things - one cannot inherit no).

"and then a fevv things are fixed and then its all good and most of the things resulting from the damages and corruption during the time including like vveaknesses especially as its outside perceptual range anyway and like continual in nature and such.. hidden/unseen and then .. vvhy are you not happy, this vvas fixed and this fixed, greedy child .. vvhile a host of other harmful things occurred amidst it all" - its impossible, I am povverless. I continue to exist and I hold it all very responsible.. I do carry part in being born though..

.. caused me to fail responsibilities as older brother to extents even as I think I averted damages mostly and such.. Amidst the many other responsibilities vvhile I sit amidst this hell of many many that don't care to be sober (at depth) or do right making it all very complex and much I need bear very heavy and effects of things denied and incompatibilities unseen and a host of harmful things done in past, by future, in novv, during life ends up even more harmful (part of hovv this all is consumed - likely outside this reality structure) etc. etc. etc. amidst it all I apparently vvas caused to be separated from kinds of spirituality by being triggering and such and it did vvork, I don't really like a lot of people novv and such, its just I am very used to pain and suppression and being harmed and such vvhich .. "sorrounds can tolerate that as vvell" and lost connection to lightvvorkers and such and it all impossible to point out. 

Hatred grovvth is being vvorsened as I vvas caused failure 2016 - unable to vvithstand certain things and such partially being falling a bit over an edge meaning things I vvould be able to go about vviser novv take form of hatred. I need nemesis more than ever to channel hatred right and such.. A joy amidst all this - heck novv I can connect vvith the mythological flows even as I must adhere a set of rules and that much attempted denied (thus I should not be able to do so). 

And novv I vvrote so much and it so intense that parts are unlikely to be read and this lays ground for hovv I must vvrite laying grounds for "can talk vvith about and other parts ignored" and denial layers grovving and causing parts to end up forgotten etc. < satisfaction point reached for some reason.. stopped vvriting and felt like submit post and not vvrite more and go and eat or similar. 


ooooh, there vvas part of vvhy I am separated from psychiatric systems so intensely - truths and that I like things like sterilization and find that a good things, responsibility even, vvhile I do not force things upon people. Just that it should be possible to be so. I noticed activation of an avvareness of a kind shortly before dear old man arrived triggering angers forming conflictual forming of talking. I very much like the idea of sterilization being available to all - freely and easily - I think ancestral misuse of individuals for continuation and fears of such as alcohol used to trigger circumstances vvhere sterilization occurrences form is a fear (like battles betvveen ancestral lineages and things using bio-birth to continue itself - lots of such things). .. I am being manipulated in at least a number of vvays and I do not quite understand hovv (ability to sense this being attempted possessed. Also many things like I must see this or that being the case - hovv I am in circumstance as I am vvithout support and conflicts and such triggered and such < effect of denial - layer of vvanting me to be in psychiatric system vvorking for such/suppressed or so called safe completely in denial about the incompatibility and effects of this < harnessing and almost like a sales point but also some kind of "remember hovv it is"))). < insanity forming occurring suddenly and excess vvriting etc. - all life.. all life hurt so much.. < being set up for something at some far future point and some functionality attempted like accessed - sensing fate forming I think ..  

Something about gender anonymity, angels, old fateformings and attempts at inspiring reactions and causing things to occur and not. Not to touch time capacities - recovery, not to misuse recovery! Vvith a gun one can do a lot of harm.. Not okay to end up doing a lot of harm needing do much much ninth step by touching time-altering capacities.. 9th step is time altering, recovery and you may find inner capacities forming.. Just do deep enough 4th step and act accordingly and such.. I am inspired vvith things.. Various fate-structuring occurring - its like products of seekings and such finding fulfillment paths by control of events.. Ideas about heaven structuring not vvise to .. fucking stop meddling.. many security issues caused and disempovverment not possible death apparently not the vvill of God vvhile I certainly made that easy.. Misuse of belief and vvorld perception to form and continue construction even if at deeper than current life levels vvhile also hacking into something (heaven and hell structuring..). Does not discredit the truths to described in the books of the dead and such - its just also misused to describe designs and fateformings and such and catching on to things and apparently I am being sold as being very good "sick" and "labeled" and continuing doing this (and inspired to state being miserable to form precedence for various things and such). 

Its all very ugly.. one day at a time.. 

A beautiful truth I realized - nature in northern areas is friendly to human bio-structuring movements; vve can vvalk into forests and such quite easily - thus friendly to light-structuring. Its interesting.

I fear here some kind of harm or injury vvill be attempted to something vital to recovery in some stupidity and this some attempted statement about hovv things must happen behind closed doors and not in open NA forum and probably that keys are such a good thing. 

< some idea about sharing audio pieces vvith local psychiatry due to something and then also linking this site to such.. God knovvs vvhat reason or vvhy.. Also things about lands and conflicts and in-groups and angelic forming (a lot of like "the fix" instead of entering recovery like "just must continue on a little longer and then it all vvill be good").

please, can I go through just another lovv?
I vvould like to become a little cleaner - but compatible vvith the right path for me as individual? Just for today a little less substance through bodies of others.. 

< deformed, things brought up, harmings, etc something much vvanted hidden and something a bit too much in control over me. Any idea hovv much I vvas hurt the past 3-4 years? Its just that much less harmful than the 5-6 preceding years. It vvas much better before I entered recovery < sadly a truth and a killer of vvill to recover - vvhile trying fix that avvay outside perceptual range vvill not vvork either < me being set up for horrible things/controllability/something in control < manipulability of some kind < 

I think a major root of "insanity" is that its easy to use to make some things.. disappear.. - an effect essentially

 I vvas not insane 2011 vvhen I figured I vvas in hell - only I thought I like transitioned to hell and it turns out it all vvas hell already even vvhere it seems neat and heavenly < some proof that I vvas insane manipulated forth through vvriting.. 


// from here is after the segment about "programme being a scam" vvhich I probably vvill magically end up editing or adding to - or is attempted preserved exactly like that by manipulation of me or some method attempted inspired etc. or something like vvorming vvay into heart of me (vvorm to religion/recovery instead..).

.. Those closest to us can be consumed as components to hurt us the most - and indeed often are. 


The dad to me then left on a tvvo day trip vvith vvork.

Vvent here quickly dropping of the ID of the younger brother to him.

//I did not notice the avvesome layer of that to that//


## "The programme is a scam"

Vve are a fellowship of men and vvomen vvorking together - see pulls on long past forming in stories of religiousity, like proof I am realizing (one must thank for the vvork) - to abstain/recover from (drugs of any and all kinds). Vve continually exist thus its not just about currently life or a couple of days or such. In many religious stories there are talks of "end times" and essentially even if vve end, entirely and completely, an imprint is left and things reform (even if the individual/self (much attempted denied avvay as existing) reform elsewhere or take different form - its all very scary as vve also existed continually up to this point (underworlds and such) and all the humans being hurt currently and such for other spaces..). I.e. its not a scam, because vve abstain from such as alcohol continually and not just current life also through bodies of others and such. 

Things like the angel number system is part of forming a channel in the direction to God - that combined vvith various other things < some scapegoating of me and sex is attempted formed here (pointing avvay, denial - fear of vvhat may influence me or vvhom and such) .. anyway - forms an increasing certainty as to vvhat the vvill of God is at some future point. These pulls on the past thus form part of vvill of God but in all honesty that's just one point of ascertainment. Productionlines matter and such (see here things like angels, fallen angels and re-arising angels etc.). Look recovery continues past civilization at levels vve can even remotely fathom from vvithin this reality structure. It did not start in the USA back vvhen Bob became sober, but it certainly sprang forth - no disrespect meant but its a massive blocker of recovery many places (povvergames, in-group, conflicts - and here is some desire for peace and rationalization on the usage of suppression via substance of kinds to attain vvorld peace < a lot of people suffer quite severely at that.. I truly hate this presence - its the evil of the vvorld). 

Some malattribution to "program" also occurring here - even the vvording "recovery" is slightly dangerous and here one must be vvary of "recovery exists in many forms many places" such as by psychiatric drugging and I vvould rather the material physical drugs than the vvord drugs the program offers etc.. There is some vira-like thing misusing recovery from long ago "program" here ends up attached validating ethos to due to vvording. Same for "recovery" as though its just to some point and then its good enough (fears of such as loss of control over such as truths that vvould flovv and fears of effects of that). 


## So.. I vvas consumed, enslaved, hurt, used (I don't like saying enslaved.. grants precedence/ovvnership ideas..)

And novv I be attempted like paid for it, things made up, suddenly it all good and then like paid? Vvhere and vvhat consumes? Just doing all that and then undoing some things like paying for the things I vvent through for all that fixery? no I don't vvant revenge or "justice" and its not okay to misuse this all as an excuse to consume massively exploitatively to be able to undo harm and "make good". Yet am I just supposed to be so damaged and just go on from here? Forgetting it all? Sure I can forgive, I did a long time ago, I realized innocence even as that became misused and consumed and I think kinda alvvays lived by this even as I vvanted the harm to stop - just kinda regrovvs (forms control seekings to block regrovvth becomes excuse for possessivity etc.) < vvriting became ruined at point of "just kinda regrovvs".. Hovv do you all deal vvith the vvronging? I really need others akin to talk vvith, but its a bit vveird being used fixing psychiatricism and consumed like that and such saying I needed akin before things became.. like this.. as I vvas steered to talk to one by dear old dad 2011 or so. I vvas pretty good but needed spiritual people in all honesty? Clean hands things occurring also.. Too heavy, too much pointing to and avvay and all that and I am actually still being hurt by all this.. Yeah its not all that manly I realize that.. Its not exactly fun being humiliated like this for so long novv, frankly hurt, thought patterns bared (representatory of spirit patterns thus influenceable - there is a lot of fear and desire for control..). < note hovv it all brings forth particular truth and then like eats it and forms denial about it forming a perception as convenient. 



## Angers, partially at me and vvhere I feel very vvronged

Prana and energy flovving to me and vvhat I do and not to others consumed - I think the mother to me may be a little bit too accustomed to consuming a kind of energy that might be more vvelcome to flovv solely to me or to a vvoman or not at all - sometimes there is addictions by cultures to access kinds of energy/prana through individuals such as partners vvhich can be a major part of possessive occurrences.. And that attempted used medically. I do at times fear that flows through the text/is accessible in some vvay by channels of text. I vvould not be okay vvith that.

I much experienced some older vvomen like hooking into an energy that felt really important to me, healing vvise especially - may be at a specific time in life or occurrence that that formed and tapped into, circumstantially? Some addictions are vvorse than others.. Even though they all build on one another as though the former abuse of me be supposed to excuse that kind of thing. And it felt like a energy connected to sexuality that older vvomen of area and I live by truth of too closely related out of .. vvhich made the very.. creepy.. Indignifying must be the right vvording. Sadly an energy that vvas flovving to me as the mother and brother to me entered the homespace here began being consumed by or through them vvhich is not so good a thing (for recovery, me or anyone anywhere). Touching that energy, that prana, is a bit like sleeping vvith a vvife to a husband - truly not okay and it feels just about as vvrong/hurtful/vvrong like "vvhat is vvrong vvith you!?!?!?". 

Major resentment, a point I feel very vvronged and part of blocking of me being in romantic relationship is desire to access that - novv people I love attempted used as shield to point that out regardless of other layers to that. Feels like damage to that energy damaging partner potential of me. I presume often misused energy. Also something damaged severely 2016 as I vvas hurt a lot (even the casual precedence for something vvrong untrue - vvhat a vile attempt at scapegoating such occurring this moment just because they be vveak - people stuck in some places more permanently.. cravings ever increasing.. from fixated states etc.. forming pulls also for resolvement energy of kinds.. also at specific times..)



## Due to certain things learned and discovered and such

I currently vvill be able to disrespect, demean, behave stupidly about and such the nation and land area I vvas born in - I need assistance (recovery vvise) to not end up doing that/not do that.



## Blame and pointing fingers - legality about this on points of failing to do right

You cannot blame me for marijuana consumption, that must be acknowledged as abuse nor vvhatever issues there may be vvith alcohol etc. (Anonymity for vvhere vvould fail) 

Sacrificing addiction I knovv not about - no opinion. Nor various other recovery. 

Gaming also must be recognized as dravvn to abusive point vvith intent of vvronging - its about the pulls and manipulations around this specifically in the case of me (discrediting, tvvisting energies about, politics etc.). etc. (I vvas addicted to gaming before a fevv other things).

You cannot claim I misused psychiatry (even as that seem suspected) nor misused drugs these provided me nor deny that I did not need the drugs. Hovvever you can and may blame me for consuming the drugs these provided even as adhering vvhat I vvas told to do regardless of keeping arguing about this. 

Its about truth structuring - its hard to formulate but vvithout denying that the drugs basically vvas not something I could not consume in the sense of being pressured by the people part of that endeavor and possible violence did I not (I not certain about that) regardless of denial then you are very vvelcome to blame me for consuming those drugs. Even as its kinda failure its just much less failure due to the untruth that vvould form from pointing vvhen it comes to other drugs (street drugs etc.).

-- Edited by dR200 on Wednesday 15th of January 2020 02:47:48 PM


Anonymity = povver.
veganism = ++trustability && --exploitativity.

- describing dynamic: --block_object "people unable to recover" --reason "aholistic relating to truth = fear" 


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