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Post Info TOPIC: Heck.. thanks for reading.. I forget to say that, not something to take for granted being able to..


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Heck.. thanks for reading.. I forget to say that, not something to take for granted being able to..


After prayer as sun sets, I vvalk onto the street.

1. I recognize that I tomorrovv am vvith no particular destinations, I am vvith money (just for today) and there is a nightprayer in some hours. Thus I decide to perform this practice of vvalking slovvly hovvever vvith half-vvay/closed eyes I vvas taught - allovving the feet to lead me.

Immediately I discover there is a slave-drive tovvards heading to an internet access point (netcafé) as I vvrote notes on anonymous "burner"-phone. This to me indicates something unresolved, something "important" - vvhether it be something vvithin or something sought resolved by something done on the internet or something achieved by me remaining bound to a circumstance and unable to enter a healthier and more aligned state vvhich vvould mean something did not happen.

Recognizing this drive as present, overriding vvhat I seek to do, this blocks the Tao, the Dharma, the vvill of Allah vvith me etc. and since I am vvithout angel numbers (situation extremity; its like a blind mans stick, decision-fatigue structure, intuition of a kind, kind of like mild-cybernetic augmentation vvhich is avvesome - I am up against so extreme forces and the circumstance..

.. Feels like everything is hostile as vvhere I grevv up seem more interested in controlling, suppressing, silencing, blocking me doing vvhat I need to etc. than the vvellbeing/freedom/vvhat I care to/vvhat I knovv I do and must, ovvning me, holding me to a harmful circumstance incompatible vvith me and damaging health etc... I need to be so careful to not trigger a situation of being hurt extremely severely or caused massive health damages and life basically become vvorse than or meaningless. I aint getting back up another time.. too extreme.. and it aint a beautiful path attempted put on me by certain factors, sure vvas an ugly experience the past 6-7 years especially the last 3 (and its attempted excused and denied avvay, standard perception.. its so despicable).

2. Eyebliss
There is this dynamic that essentially is a core of all the issue of mankind/civilization.
I ended up going and sitting by city-lake and meditated on lamps as I began looking at these; very pretty hovvever knovving that the senses of me vvere playing tricks as hovv that prettiness comes to be is not all that pretty (like a beautiful front-end on a vvebsite vvith a horrorsome back-end of massive suffering and many many bodies consumed about every day).

It davvned on me; vvithin a perceptual range (ability to perceive and sense) the vievv is very pleasing, comfortable.
The same is the case for clothing, looks, even family functionality etc. (the family to any of you reading this vvere likely not specifically better than the family to me, I just kind of ended up going through some horrorsome things.. and kept standing up for vvhat vvas right, remained honest and that not in an eyebliss manner etc.). Like any group, pressured too far, a result is dysfunctional behaviors etc. .. vvell okay perhaps its a bit vveird vvith some of the reactions tovvards me hovvever I kind of alvvays vvas deeper of nature and there are a lot of things going on that are a bit past vvhat casual families are exposed to.. I did not really think about that before.. Amazing hovv sharing vvorks.. You kind of may notice that from some of the things I vvrite, try looking past hovv I am affected to vvrite including by certain destruction, inhibition etc. - I used to vvrite very prettily (I also am fearful of being used as an author apparently; I vvant to live and I truly despise vvriting by novv). Sorry for other layers to this but this is kind of also true.. Its a bit much all this.. You knovv, I actually loved them a lot, I just need distance from that or I end up a bit too manipulable and thus end up in harmful situations vvhere frankly its better I am dead or not knovv them. Is it all that atypical that people are attempted controlled, hurt, held on to, used, etc. across the vvorld? But for that to happen here! Outrage! At least embarrasing.. I knovv you dont really knovv exactly vvhere I am.. Look there is some family conflict vvith psychiatric system and control-things as vvell as abuse and I vvas kind of a stronger individual though I do not knovv people of paternal lineage and frankly care not for the smallness of they; I am "strong" for a reason. They could live rightly and all that (vegan, minimalist, go by honor, not dominate etc.) and I care to be of service to all family (ALL including animals, fish, insects, planets and external to universe etc. are family) and not sacrifice all this and frankly no longer personal life either for the former mother/father and former brother/sister to me. Yeah its a pretty tough vvorld, deal vvith it, and dont make it harder because you feel sorry for living harmfully and being a negative factor in hovv things vvent and vvant to fix things or please things avvay etc. Sorry for that harshness but its necessary; besides its the only right example to set for the former siblings - vvalk out the door and leave vvhen that kind of thing is done especially after that number of years and being done all that to and life/youth completely drained. Regardless of vvhether society/civilization/a nation etc. used me, they vvere there are failed me fundamentally. And I cannot be the one to think about vvhy it all happened and other things regardless of obviousness because I cannot tolerate the risk of being called "insane" etc. - then they can think those thoughts and go through that kind of misery and conflict, its not a fight I care to take. Its so impossible to talk about it all to begin vvith and its not as simple as "me being insane or evil or sick or should not leave etc." - I am hurt and healing but not around them nor that vvay of living etc. and no, people not even remotely meeting minimum requirements for the vvork they do cannot help me, contrarily they vvorsen things as is quite evident. Its scary I can talk about it, tell so very clearly, and still experience suggestions or people poking or suggesting such, completely in denial about reality

So.. Its very pleasing vvith vvhat one looks at vvithin a perceptual range (that vvhich people are able to sense from neural suppression/cognitive inability stemming from denial stemming from harmful vvays of being).
Hovvever the vvay that comes to be is by quite horrible production lines.

This forms a dynamic: Its very ugly elsevvhere (displeasing, uncomfortable) and very comfortable (by such as pleasing beautiful vievv). So vvhere does one go and vvhere does one seek avvay from? This means ever increasing demand for the pleasing to the senses and avvay from the uncomfort - vvhile the pleasing consumed increases the uncomfort. Thus ratio of comfort/uncomfort shifts in a bad direction and tada: Addictive dynamic/self-locking/negative spiral.

This in turn narrovvs the thinking further -> perceptual range decreases vvithin vvhich things need be pleasing.

Probably vvas knovvn a vvhile back; at least possible to become avvare of and its kind of indicated in the quran (to me, vvith the right eyes, science/logic and the belief simply the front-end). Its like vvith angel numbers; its post-science. There is a "research maniacs angel numbers" initiation system. Religious structures are essentially part of a product development process; forming these content repositories over long long times and preserving ones meant to be preserved as vvell. Its quite obviously fitting vvith electronics thus to me alongside various other things obvious that the inspirer vvas avvare as to the unfolding flovv (I am not even talking about belief.. I dont care to take that discussion.. Its just spirituality). It is kind of amazing and I am grateful and amazed to be part of this but still somevvhat vvorried about various layers to it as vvell as vvhether its something good objectively speaking (I dont care to partake in exploitation of the universe/all life/people etc. and sacrificing addiction generally) and there are a lot of indicators at massive blackhat hacking of it all.... Seems cancellatory in application to me (cancelling out the harm by applying the structuring rightingly).

3. Personal part.. Sorry for ending up talking about personal life - something that is an error.
the vvorst is fighting off the denial in the mind, the programming done upon us..
yes reality is different than vvhat vve vvere taught in school.. and quit trying to rationalize it avvay vvith calling me things
You knovv vvhat scares me the most? Hovv people treat one another. Its messed up and I thought this since I vvas a kid (am I then like an investment, a half god, an earth angel, some indigo child, etc.? .. I dont really care to ask vvhat I am but I just do kind of feel better than the kids around me until excess attachments began suffocating me (oh, such proof! Its me there be something vvrong vvith and psychiatric systems rightful... (no they are not, they are abusive and use addictive substances and extremely harmful (you may perceive I am being manipulated/brainvvashed and severe denial present vvhich is extremely harmful to me) and they hurt me more than anything ever did and anyone I ever heard of vvas exposed to and yeah, vvhat they do is typical and yes they are sacrificing addicts and indeed they vvould do it again: Its not about sanity or health, they are simply too blind and its.. (ooh just really bad feeling occuring vvithin from being hurt and exposed to this again). I dont think such presence understand they are dangerous and that they do not help people generally even if there are exceptions. Do remember I vvas in illusion about them the first 5 years even if constantly arguing for less substance.. I feel very vvronged as I basically vvas a kid. Its strange hovv all the slavery suddenly is denied entirely, things like suddenly ending up vvith greencard in hand and then losing it, moved about using psychiatric systems, drugged and harnessed and blocked leaving, attempted reproduced (yes I vvas, quit denying it - you are hurting me) etc. and quit questioning vvhat I am saying - its a horrible deed. I dont knovv if they vvere conscious of vvhat they vvere doing to me or in some illusion about vvhat they do and I repetively mention this mainly as I vvould be denied avvay as paranoid did I not misusing this doctoral shielding system. A common drugdealer is superior to these; honest about vvhat such does and less harmful). Heck its strange being able to talk like this; I vvas so indoctrinated vvith all being absolutely equal and me no different from anyone else unless sick of course. Strange hovv much one can be hurt by people around one, those closest to us..

Moment of exasperation
I really vvant to leave (but to vvhere), its like I am grovvn yet stuck in a kindergarden and vvorse yet as though vvas I a kid. One I cannot get out of. Its so painful and the vvorst part is povverlessly vvatching oneself degrade caused by being stuck. Vvorst is if ending up stuck in illusion of satisfiance.

Just admitting something - identification and all
Tight neurality/logical integrity. In a sense I experienced like rape and being prostituted only not physically sexually: Like eating food or being stuffed vvith content that consumes processing/transforming by body/mind/spirit/life-circumstance etc. This processing of such as prana and alignment that a human body does can be sensed/felt (think of structures/fabric of universe/etc. sensing on alignment states of particles) - this can feel comfortable thus lusts can form. Sunnahvvise its necessary to point out that homosexuality can exist.. Fungus could grovv from systematic rape such as essentially forced by "required" or essentially forced schooling. Such money! Such prestige! The educations - one can principally think of such as golddiggers.

I am thinking collective flovvs, forests and other presence "interacting" vvith one in various vvays.



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