My friend/partner recently confessed his heavy addiction to cocaine. I knew he used but never thought it had taken such power over his life. I am not exactly sure what brought him to where he is today but I am very happy and proud that he has joined a center and is receiving counseling. However, after he finally shared with me what his problem was and that he was going to meetings... he has distanced himself from me completely. I do not know the process behind recovery and am just looking for some insight and advice on understanding what he's going through. I am giving him space but is it the right thing to do? Is there a reason he has recently pushed me away? What is the right way to act or suggested things I should or shouldn't say whenever I do see or speak to him. I just want to make sure I do the right thing by him and for him, I love him dearly and want nothing more than to be supportive throughout his recovery...I'm just trying to understand it.
Gabrielle, Right now he is probably concentrating on himsel, recovery especially early takes a lot of effort. If I suggested anything, it would be to find an NA meeting which is open to non-addicts. That will help you to understand what he is trying to do. You said partner, so if you are in a relationship beyond friendship, (or even a really intense friendship) I would suggest NarAnon/AlAnon meetings for you. Addiction is a spiritual disease that effects all aspects of your life-it requires alot of introspection to get a strong recovery working in your life. Just act normally, and try an NA meeting or two to understand what he is trying to do, and going to AlAnon or NarAnon meetings will help you to understand your part.
Best of luck, if I can answer more or clarify, just ask.
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
Thank you Lon for the advice. I did some research and found a local meeting in my city so I will try to go next week to learn more about his process as well as my role.
On another note, he finally took my call today and he suggested we have lunch tomorrow to talk. I'm a bit scared and nervouse of what he is going to say but in the end, whether we have a relationship or not I can only hope the best for his future... and that would include his recovery.
My name is Grace and I'm recently fresh out of a treatment centre where I spent 42 Days in intensive seminars, councelling sessions and step work for my addiction to Cocaine and Crack Cocaine. My addiction spans over the course of 23 years. A lifetime of escape, numbing my feelings and skimming over lifes beauty.... at best! This dreadful disease of addiction renders the addict powerless over their desire to consume. When I was in treatment, family members would come to the centre on Saturdays for a series of seminars on Addiction, the treatment of, and the various stages of recovery and regaining a trusting relationship with their loved one. I'm a writer of poetry....or simply..."viewpoints" on my experience with my addiction and the various stages of my illness. I really felt for the family members......lost, confused, and terrified for the lives of those they loved. The bottom line really is....that only WE, as addicts, can really be held responsible for our recovery. WE have to really want to do the work it takes to alter a lifetime, or years of abusive behaviours. YOU, as family members, are really only able to love us and try to create a safe environment for us to be able to reach out to you in a moment of weakness....without the fear of judgement or admonishment. THATS IT! .......At one particular seminar, the councellor shared a storey about how Geese fly in a "V" formation.....when one of the Geese is injured or tired and falls out of formation, one or two of the other Geese follow it down to the ground and stay with the bird until it is able to fly again....or dies. Only then do they rejoin the group........it's just a support network that we need.....not anylizing or agonizing over what has been......but focusing on helping us "to do the next right thing".....whether that be helping us to get to a meeting.....calling to check in an see how our day went and asking if we feel "safe" with ourselves today....or could we use some company to get thru a craving.
Anyways.....I hope that helps some..... I wrote a couple of pieces especially for the family members at the centre and they quite liked them ....so I'll share them with you now.....take care Gabrielle.....hope these help to shed some light on our plight...... Gracie
"THE SENSE OF A GOOSE"
WHAT'S THE HARM IN TRYING .... I SAY MAYBE TOMORROW ... I'M BUSY CRYING TODAY ... LET'S DRY THOSE TEARS ... FOR AN HOUR OR TWO ... HOW 'BOUT WE PRETEND YOU'RE ME AND I'M YOU
PERHAPS IF WE COULD ONLY TRADE PLACES EVEN JUST FOR A MOMENT IN TIME ... YOU MIGHT JUST CATCH A FLEETING GLIMPSE ... OF THAT INNER TORMENT, WHICH IS MINE
I NEED TO FEEL NORMAL WHAT A PICKLE I'M IN ... I'VE LOST ALL CONTROL ... AND I'M POWERLESS WITHIN
I'M NUMBING MY FEELINGS ... DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL I'M SIMPLY OVERWHELMED ... WITH NO PERCEPTION OF WHAT IS REAL THIS DRAG AND RESISTANCE OF GOING IT ALONE ONLY KEEPS OUR HOUSE ... FROM BECOMING A HOME
IT'S ALL A CHAIN REACTION BUILT UPON BLAME WE'VE ALL GONE AND LABELED EACH OTHER WITH SHAME SHAME ON YOU ... YOU'VE GONE AND USED DRUGS TODAY NO! ... SHAME ON YOU ... YOU WON'T TRY TO UNDERSTAND, I SAY
TOGETHER, LET'S PUT ASIDE ... THAT WHICH WE DO NOT KNOW OR CAN NOT UNDERSTAND ... AND ALL REASONS TO FOREGO THE PRESCRIPTION I NEED COULD BE AS SIMPLE AS A WARM EMBRACE OR EVEN JUST A SMILE FILLED WITH LOVE ... UPON YOUR FACE
IF WE COULD EACH SACRIFICE SOMETHING OF OURSELVES IF WE CAN FORGIVE EACH OTHER JUST ENOUGH ... WE'LL FIND THE STRENGTH TO STAND BY EACH OTHER AND BE ACCEPTING WHILE WE WORK THROUGH THIS STUFF
YES ... STEP BY STEP ... JUST FOR TODAY LET'S ALL AGREE ON CALLING A TRUECE
WE'LL ALL FLY TOGETHER ... AND FORM A "V" THAT IS ... IF WE ALL HAVE AS MUCH SENSE ... AS A GOOSE!
HGS
....... THIS ONE'S CALLED ...."FOR THE FAMILIES" ....Come What May
WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE ... OF THIS LAKE WE KNOW NOT WHERE TO SWIM THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE ... HAS SUCH DEPTH WE KNOW NOT WHERE TO BEGIN
SINCE ... WE'VE MADE THIS LITTLE NEST SHALL ... WE SIMPLY FORGET THE REST DENY THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COMFORT AND PANIC AND CONTINUE TO DO .... WHAT WE DO BEST
PLACE OUR FOCUS ON OTHERS IGNORE OURSELF LET'S LOOK AT YOU INSTEAD SO WE CAN PUT OUR LIFE ON A SHELF
PLEASE KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU WE HATE TO SEE YOU CRY WE'VE JUST REACHED OUR BOTTOM WITHOUT THE STRENGTH TO TRY
