I am writing this at 3:36 Am. My name is Jen and I am an addict. I was doing so well. I had stopped going to meetings because I was working so much. So excited for my new job.
My new job ended up leaving me traumatized and unable to work more-so than normal). I was abusing at work. Though not getting high. Jusy enjoying the abuse of substances as it brings me such nostalgia. I sit herw now with the realization that this has become everything. I cannot stop. I am jeopardizing my family. And I still can't stop. I have considered rehab though I do not like the idea of parting with my phonefor 90 days.
Did I mention my slew of psychiatric disorders?.... too many to name and honestly I doubt anyone would believe I am really afflicted with all of them. Ah well.
My therapist says my life is just beginning. Why does this feel like an ending?
...as an addict, I've come to see there's no 'graduating' from NA. The times I get 'too busy' for just one meeting a week have never turned out well.
There's instances that I've made some clean time on my own, the obsession remains. The only time I get real relief is when I truly take step one,, then step two........
As far as psych disorders go, everyone's different of course,, but it's not uncommon that addicts find some of their conditions will ease or disappear with cleantime. It was true for me, and I hope it is for you too!
Have you told your psych doctors that you're using? ...or your sponsor?
Jen, I hope you soon find the relief you dearly need!
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
Hey,
I agree with you whole-heartedly. I truly wanted to keep going but I was so worn out socially and emotionally from work that going to meetings seemed impossible. I feel like a dirty plastic bag.
Yea I am sure without the chemical cocktail and the destructive behavior (abuse) I might feel more stable mentally.
My therapist is aware that I am insufflating most of my medications/other meds. I have a newish psych who is totally unaware of my abuse history and I have taken full advantage of that. Currently on two controlled substances and other questionable drugs (for an addict). I know if I take part in NA again I will have to come clean to her. I am just not ready yet. I will do the clean time. Go to meetings. I feel so bad for tricking her.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. It made me feel less alone. I have no friends and therefor no support system. At least as of now. So I searched and found this site. Anyways...hope you have a good day. Sending you positive vibes.
Staying clean and going to meetings will help with the problems you are dealing with.
Also, working with a sponsor.
It is important to be honest with your doctor about your substance abuse history to they can help you.
You don't want to manipulate your doctor just to get the medications you want to take.
A drug prescribed by a doctor can be just as destructive and addictive as one you get off the street.
....sounds like you know what to do Jen. I've made many 'experiments' in recovery, and have learnt that there's only a welcome when I come back to the rooms. If I perceive anything else it's coming from my addict mind. Taking that step, surrendering, coming back, and taking care of 'just for today' brings a huge relief,, the only way I know to actually get some relief from the obsession. It's only then that I begin to think straight ,,,, with the help of my sponsor and what's shared in the rooms. Without these, I am basically naked, unwilling, unable..... and alone.
''My new job ended up leaving me traumatized and unable to work more-so than normal). I was abusing at work.'' If you're not working now, or even if you are, do you really have any rationalizations, justifications left? ......or is it time to put your recovery first!? If you had any other life threatening disease, would you hide from the doctor? ....or be unwilling to do,,--whatever--it-- takes--!?
''Why does this feel like an ending?''........because it IS! You have reached out beyond your addict self, beyond the part of the mind that's trying to convince you that you'll -die- if you stop using.
You know what you need to do. Go to a meeting, feel the unconditional welcome of friends, feel the relief and guidance that comes with surrender and coming clean! You know you want to!
...so what's the 'right next step'? ...what can you do today that best reflects the love you feel for your family, and for yourself?
-- Edited by mikah on Tuesday 28th of June 2016 10:45:51 AM
__________________
...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
No one but you can say when you've had enough. When you do, when you get so desperate that you don't think you can go on...remember THAT is the GIFT of desperation!
It's only when we totally surrender to our addiction, that we can get better. There are no half measures that work
Absolutely agree half measures availed us nothing. My Recovery comes first. Period. Else there will be nothing else of worth. Excuses are just that excuses. Clean by the Grace of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God through the Power of NA since 11-27-80.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
