I'm new to the boards so hopefully, I'm not making any mistakes in starting a new topic. I've struggled with addiction to cocaine and alcohol as well as meth for years. I finally got clean from everything about two years ago. I didn't do the traditional 12 steps or a rehab which might be why I continue to relapse. I relapsed last summer one time with cocaine and alcohol. I felt horribly and got back on track until last weekend. I had stopped going out with my friends entirely because I don't have any friends that don't party. I don't do drugs with any of them except for one that I get it from but they all drink and go to bars. I have been spending all of my free time with my daughter and family but recently turned 35 and just felt like I was having a little breakdown. I started thinking about my daughter growing up and moving out and going on with her life and not having time for me and then I would be all alone with no friends or anything. I felt it was unhealthy to not be spending anytime with anyone that wasn't my age. So when my friends asked me to go out, I accepted. I tried to get drugs first because anytime I go out and just drink, I can't control it and end up drinking so much I throw up, can't remember half the things I did, or black otu entirely. I knew that wasn't safe so I wanted the drugs to keep me aware of what I was doing to an extent. Well, I've been clean so long that one of my dealers was out of town so couldn't hook me up and the other one has moved away and started his life over (good for him). Anyway, I still went out thinking, I would just keep the drinking under control. That, of course, didn't happen. I ended up getting so drunk, I threw up and can't remember much. I am a very lucky person because someone kept me from driving home and allowed me to stay at their house until morning.
I feel horrible about this. I'm trying to figure out why I keep relapsing and I think the problem is I think I don't really have a problem. I think I'm still in the mindset that I can control this. That it got out of control for a little while but I am in such a better place now mentally that I can control it. I can drink like other people and not go overboard. I hate feeling like there is something wrong with me mentally. That I can't just go out and have a good time like other people. I am in a place now where I can enjoy things in life again without drinking. In fact, the whole afternoon before going out, I had a sinking feeling in my gut and really did not feel right about going. I never listen to my gut. I always just do the stupid thing. I just want to stop screwing up. I want to be a good example for my daughter and family. I want to change my life for good.
I thought the first step would be reaching out to like minded people for the first time. I've never been to an AA or NA meeting. I've met with a counselor a handful of times back when I was deep into drugs. The counselor didn't really help me because I wasn't in the right mindset to get any help. I ended up moving home with my mother and her tough love got me sober. She took over my bank account and monitored every dollar I had. For a time, I didn't even leave the house alone, for a long time until I earned that trust back. I still allow my mother to control my bank account because I'm not good with money and this just helps me to save. I have control over my paycheck and everything now though and have done well with that but I just want to be a better adult. I mean I know I'm 35 but I honestly feel about 21 or 22, maybe 25 at most. I think that's my maturity level and that's pretty scary. I'd like to catch up on all those years that I messed up and be a better person now. I just don't know how to do that.
Anyway, I guess I just needed a place to spill my guts because no one else knows that I relapsed. I needed a place to confess so I can figure out how to move on. Thanks for listening.
Hi Mandy, Welcome. My name's Mike I'm an addict. If you are like us One is too many and a Thousand never enough. We suffer from the disease of Addiction from which there is no known cure. Once and addict always an addict. However Recovery is possible through the Steps of NA. Today I am Clean by the grace of God through the power of NA. Like you I tried to stay Clean for years on my own always eventually getting loaded again. It wasn't until I Surrendered to the disease and started attending NA Meetings regularly that a Life without became possible for me. Oh and alcohol is just another drug.
Seek out and start attending NA Meetings. Call a local helpline. Hit 90 NA Meetings in 90 Days is a good way to start. You are welcome here.
Keep Coming Back, NA Works if You Work it.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
WE are here for each other,one helping another in a loving and caring manner.WE suggest you find a meeting(www.na.org/)near you.You can check out the literature on the site but WE do believe Face to Face meetings are the most beneficial.WE also believe that those who find Sponsorship(one addict helping another through the STEPS)get the most from the program.WE accept and make a 100% admission to our First Step and begin our journey of "daily recovery" Our goal is not just abstinence but recovery through application of the STEPS applied in all areas of our lives..Stick around WE need you..There are a group of recovering addicts that check here everyday to help through suggestions and LIFE based situations based on our own ESH(experience ,strength and hope)and our own daily recoveries..Glad you found us.....Hope to hear more from you............ http://www.na.org/
-- Edited by MIKEF on Tuesday 21st of April 2015 12:07:19 PM
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
