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....welcome NT...you are not alone! I share a pretty similar lifeline as yours,,didn't realize -I- was the problem until I look back many years later. I also consider my relationship with Nicotine as a pretty live indicator of how my recovery is going. I shared some of my battle last year on these pages. I let myself start-up again after big life hit last fall , but am on the Nico-clean road again,,in fact I'm also a couple of weeks from caffeine as well, since I've found the two go hand in hand for me. I've heard it said that Nicotene would be a drug too in NA's eyes if it was known then what is known now!

..''all we need to know is what you want to do about your addiction, and how we can help'' paraphrases the attitude at meetings as well as this message board. I certainly welcome hearing of your battle with your addiction however you define it. I've heard of some who are careful to simply refer to their 'drug of no choice' rather than naming something that may not 'qualify' to others.......a drug is a drug is a drug!

...funny thing, my very first NA meeting was long before I realized I had a problem with drugs..I wanted to quit smoking, I went to NA, everyone smoked -in- the meetings then. 

...it helps to take encouragement from what I have -already- achieved with the drug that brought me down, and into meetings to begin with....it helps a LOT! I think of how it didn't seem possible to stop, how it didn't seem there was any hope,, but I can see how things -can- change with time, one day at a time!

     Certainly when the 'armoring' that happens with stronger drugs has been let go, I see more of how other things like tobacco and caffeine effect me and feel more reasons to want to move on to a lighter way of being. It's also lovely how the initial 'DOC' feels sooo much more distant as the battlefront moves forwards. Today I'm having a pretty tough day, I called my sponsor, took some steps to deal with some issues and I've allowed myself some slack and had some green tea. I'm glad today there's a few fallbacks between me and oblivion!

     As I have made a more regular connection with my HP through meditation, I certainly recognized the ironic contradiction between conscious breathing and having smokes!
I've found both at meetings and here on the message board that although others aren't necessarily taking on the same battles they do remain supportive to the battle with nicotine...you can see this at the -Breathe Easy- thread from last year...... na.activeboard.com/t56610873/the-breathe-easy-thread/

     I'm glad you're considering your next step in recovery. Is there a plan developing, perhaps a commitment to reducing or a contemplation of naming a go-Clean day? Even changing one smoketime a day into mindfulness breathing is a HUGE step forwards!

NoTomorrowsz wrote:

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.... Not sure this will read sense to others but i feel that now after all the damage is done; turning to god is like trying to sneak in the back door. Yep now that things are this bad i go back. ...

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....heh,,,maybe you should try a different 'G.O.D.'...or a different door!      What worked for me is one that was very, if not -all- about compassion and forgiveness...one that says ''awww,so you went sideways for a while''. 

''Come,,come again,,whether you've broken your vows a thousand times before,come again''....Rumi,sufi poet.

...I remember how useful the --JUST.  FOR.   TODAY.--  perspective of the program is for dealing with being overwhelmed by the big picture.... what can I do for my recovery -today-.... sometimes 'nothing' is the best answer and other days I choose to do something more! 

     NT,,I'm really grateful you brought up this dialogue today...I've been having a very tough time with neighbors and their noise throughout the night. It's as if they all got together and decided the best thing for me is a sleep deprivation program!  It's really helpful to be remembering this stuff.

NoTomorrowsz wrote:

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Spoze god does have a better understanding that the one i described . half ha .. when it comes to the neighbors .. mine used to stay up all night singing Smokey Joe's Cafe .. til Sunup. They were good (at first) ..

is just for today a daily read for na ? that's exactly it, i see the Big picture and yes i am absolutely overwhelmed. i can't stay in the moment; i can't stay in Today. I do see you have meetings here. I will be doing my best to get to the next one.

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 yeh,, my HP is meant to have a better plan for me than I can conceive, that's why I find it's a good idea to surrender to it.... Gawd's will rather than -my- will. Listen to the whisper that's always there,  GoodOrderlyDirection  isn't far away.

...neighbors?....my upstairs neighbor plays guitar well,,,,but all I hear is his stomping foot 3' above my head. I have NO idea when he sleeps! Last night,,the impacts three floors up were rattling things in my apartment.  I'm glad I took a step to deal with things and I'm glad my recovery is strong enough that the trial hasn't become a lame justification for using!

Just for Today......yes that's the name of the daily reading,, but the principle runs deep. It's probably one of the biggest key principles to the program,,just like 'be in the moment' is a big part of meditation. There's also a reading by the same name,,which is actually a prayer, below.

Meetings....I don't believe the online meeting here is active(?) Certainly the live aspect of the program is VERY important. There's -definitely- an important part of recovery comes through the LIVE meetings with -real- people close by. ...finding a sponsor,,,doing the steps,,,doing service.  The alchemy is unbeatable.  If you aren't already going to meetings ,I'd suggest you google the internet for 'NA meeting list' to find one close by.

JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in someone in N.A. Who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.

JUST FOR TODAY through N.A. I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.