As I head into 2015 and grasp at the threads of prosperity in the knowledge that I will finally graduate after four long years of part-time studies while working 2-3 jobs, I still find myself burdened with negative thoughts about how my addiction/recovery will continue to impact my future and my family.
There are so many, many things happening in one's life that require us to be engaged with a clear mind and calm spirit. Obviously a good majority of people are able to implement coping strategies and deal with the situation at hand, often on a continuous basis, and that's their life with no addictions or serious inclination to retreat from from life.
I never quite know if I'm truly at risk of picking up... I mean when I'm at my wits end, stressed to the max, feeling like there's no hope, I'll think about jumping into a vat of morphine, I'll recollect the perceived delight in it but then I turn to my HP and get out of my slump for the time being. Notwithstanding all that, without scripts at my disposal or knowledge of where to access anything anymore without a committed, guilt-riddled effort, I'm left with flipping to the lesser of all my evil addictions, eating
So why does that overwhelming desire to 'escape' haunt me? What is it about my internal processes that causes this to happen time and again even after 20 years? I can't seem to effectively implement Cognative Behavior Therapy and I don't think it's fair that after 20 years of staying clean through the the crap I call my life, that I can't be afforded a reprieve from these feelings!
I think this is where someone says 'suck it up, buttercup ~ deal with it' ? lol
Wishing I was not only clean but also serene!
kd
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
I still think about using drugs from time to time and I've been clean for 30 years.
Though I have lost the active desire to use, I know that I could use any time and slip right back into active addiction.
Life can be wonderful and it can be painful.
Recently, I had to deal with some difficult physical pain and the temptation to make it all go away with some opiates was great.
But I know where drugs and alcohol will take me, and I don't want to go there today.
When I have tough times, I "suck it up" by going to meetings, talking to other people in the fellowship (especially my sponsor), praying and meditating, and working the steps.
It has worked for me for 30 years and I have faith that it will continue to work.
Best wishes for a clean and serene 2015!
Hello Kitty,good to see you,blessings of this day...
I believe, as addicts, many of us have similar feelings. There are 3 explicit things I do on each waking day I am graced with that help me beyond all things. I first thank the God of my understanding for opening my eyes and give all praise ,honor and glory and gratitude for being the guiding point in my life...For when I believe i am in charge of things it usually gets shakey.I next meditate on our 3rd & 11th STEPS and ask for the Power to carry it out(with The God of my understandings help)..I then get out of bed and work diligently to always go there FIRST in all things.Definitely I fall down often,because I am fallible and human..Very rarely do I think of using(maybe because the years of devastation,loss of children,marriages,jobs,jails,institutions,watching my posse die all around me, and general ride on the down bound train)though it seems light years away,still on any given day be like yesterday. Sharing the human pain.WE all suffer, is also a large help for me and am blessed I have many outlets for that.It is important to have support to get us out of our own heads.NA...Never Alone IS a blessed avenue and there are many other ways to find support,(I play drums in a Band,am active in my Church and have folks I can talk with..(I can also identify with going it alone as I did also for years through divorces and trying to rear my children and encountering their addictions,we know each others story :) It is so important to LIVE a day at a time,,and for me that is a lot of work(my God is so comical for 35 years I was a manager of a facility for People with Disabilities,Production gearing toward monthly ,quarterly projections etc a total opposite of how I was trying to live my life)A day at a time,,everything was about future projections,and at times I could do nothing but go 'OKAY ,:)
,...For me,my true Peace and Serenity comes through the closeness with my Higher Power,obviously ensuring I never pick up and as a fallen human this is where my hardest daily work is ..What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition(BT) Each day we face adversity and win the situation is another day of strength we have gained.At times it gets very trying and tiring but WE can always look back to where we once were while active.Kitty as always,in support and prayer,,as hard as it may be,trying to raise children alone,seeming like this journey is only you i could only suggest staying close to support(even if it can only be here for now)Congrats on 20 years of real LIFE.....Be blessed and in grace and Peace...
-- Edited by MIKEF on Sunday 4th of January 2015 07:54:35 PM
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
There are so many, many things happening in one's life that require us to be engaged with a clear mind and calm spirit. Obviously a good majority of people are able to implement coping strategies and deal with the situation at hand, often on a continuous basis, and that's their life with no addictions or serious inclination to retreat from from life.
So why does that overwhelming desire to 'escape' haunt me? What is it about my internal processes that causes this to happen time and again even after 20 years? I can't seem to effectively implement Cognative Behavior Therapy and I don't think it's fair that after 20 years of staying clean through the the crap I call my life, that I can't be afforded a reprieve from these feelings!
I think this is where someone says 'suck it up, buttercup ~ deal with it' ? lol
...happy new year indeed! ...haha,,there's another saying ..'HTFU',,google it for fun,,but I'm not going to tell you to do it! Indeed,I know my challenge is to find a way to be gentle with myself each day.
....I've heard many times that life is not whether a person is comfortable,,but how they handle the discomforts....there will always be challenges....those two little characters will always be there on my shoulders,,always bickering about whether I listen ,seek out my higher power,or whether I go that 'other' way.
....the spiritual tradition I follow talks of being removed from our initial source ,,losing connection to that which runs through all,,,forgetting our direction,,,then spending the rest of our lives trying to reconnect,,,always trying to move closer to that 'oneness' that goes through all. As much as that storyline speaks to me as an addict,,it also helps me realize that each soul has similar challenges in our paths,,,we need to nurture and build our connection daily! As addicts,we are the lucky ones,,drugs took me to a place that I realized just how alone and desperate I am when I try to run my own show,,I try to remember to be grateful each day and stay connected with my HP.
I'm very grateful to NA for being there when I realized how desperate and lonely I am,,and for giving me some tools and direction to find a HP that works for me,,,and find a new way to live!...Blessed Be!
-- Edited by mikah on Sunday 4th of January 2015 01:42:49 PM
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
Well thank you all... this is why I love coming to MIP when I'm hating my circumstances... it's twigged in me once again that I'm a control freak and instictively fall back into that cycle of trying to live my life my way. I have anomic aphasia and some moderate short term memory issues to which I will assign my forgetfulness, although it probably has a load of complacency mixed in.
Thanks Dave, knowing where drugs will take me always has a thoughtful impact on me.
Mike, it always astounds me how much we have in common... God laughs at me 24/7 and most often when I think I'm in control. Last leg of my diploma starts tomorrow so I'll have that to keep me occupied. My son has his moments... Christmas & New Years were survived with only a couple scary events. And I know I'm missing that closeness to my HP as of late so I must get on top of that! "What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition(BT)" Great insight, thank you very much for that!
Mikah! HTFU! lol yes! I need a little of that to be sure. I don't think I can be gentle on myself very much... I live day to day from a place of guilt and I'm trying to change that and I think I can revitalize all the tools and that kept me strong the first 15 years!
kd
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
Indeed suck it up, buttercup ~ deal with it. And you are by posting here! Life, Recovery is a Journey not a destination with the only thing constant being change. And sometimes it's like pulling teeth finding the willingness to surrender to change!
Not fair? After 20 years Clean still having to deal with feelings? Oh no! Feelings, the bane of an addicts existence. Feelings what drugs where all about, hiding, running from them. Now we gotta feel dat feeling! All of dem! And it's ok.
I'm pretty much clueless after 35 years Clean. Which is a good thing because for so many years Clean I thought I knew lots of answers and ran my life more on my terms than my Higher Power's terms. Fight it as I might it's so much easier to fully, without reservation, Surrender. Acceptance of knowing in my core my Higher Power won't give me more than I can handle. And really then is when Serenity seeps in.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Mikah! HTFU! lol yes! I need a little of that to be sure. I don't think I can be gentle on myself very much... I live day to day from a place of guilt and I'm trying to change that and I think I can revitalize all the tools and that kept me strong the first 15 years! kd
ahh yes you can be gentle with yourself,,,and you are all the time!....what is it that got you into the rooms of NA for all these years!?
....'suck it up' and indeed 'HTFU' I suppose can be seen as terms of self discipline, something that we learn is important, but it's also important to recognize that we're learning to be gentle and love ourselves in a good way. Those terms,while fun, can also reflect a hardening and closing of attitudes--much the cause of addictive attitudes in this world!
The Dalai Llama preaches compassion to all beings,,,he doesn't suggest 'all beings but self' lol.....your time in these rooms is an inspiration to me to live the self compassion you already display!
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
Very simply stated, that only thing that works for me, is to say unto The Silence
"Take my will and my life,
Guide me in my recovery,
Show me how to live"
(Clean and Serene. Just for Today)
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I always find it so amazing (and humbling beyond belief) that when I come to the boards for encouragement and motivation and I leave refreshed and rejeunvenated, so many little 'meaningful coincidences' or as I like to call them, 'little kisses from heaven' start flooding my daily life!
Little moments of comfort and hope!
There's so much to be said for reassurance! Thank you all!
Blessings,
kd
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
Feelings, the bane of an addicts existence. Feelings what drugs where all about, hiding, running from them. Now we gotta feel dat feeling! All of dem! And it's ok.
