Hi all, I'm new to this but do regular F2F meetings and service. Been clean nearly 18 years but in the last couple of years am finding it hard...real hard. In the last 3 years have got married to my wife and we have 2 beautiful children of 2 and 3 years Old. On top of that I have managed to carve out a really successful career so it's all great on the surface. On the inside however I just feel like I want to scream at times as at the core of me I have such a deep sense of fear that I'm just not good enough and no matter how much recovery work I've done or challenged the negative belief it's like a nagging uneasiness that I'm becoming sick and tired of tbh But feel powerless to change.
I'm trying to work my programme and pray to my higher power but just wanted to air it in here that for me it feels tough right now......however, I also know that this will pass......eventually!!!
I am an addict named Mike..Good th hear from you,,,WE remember that pain shared is pain lessened so i COULD ONLY SUGGEST continuing to share how you truly feel.Sometimes WE have to do things to shake ourselves up.I always remember from our writings "Complaceny is the enemy of those with substantial clean time.If we remain complacent for too long the recovery process then ceases.I do believe we all have our dips in our recoveries but as long as we remember and know,,based on the evidence,that we just don't pick up..like you say this shall pass.For me,during my recovery ,I have gone from martial arts,to marathoning,to hunting,to ministry in the church of my personal Faith beliefs,continue to drum in a Band and try to always shake myself up..I continually work through and apply the STEPS in all areas of my lives,keep in touch with sponsees and those not using and share to the best of my ability my feelings and remain guided by the God of my understanding.Watching my now 27 year old son go through 7 years of hard core heroin abuse took me and our family to the edges of my own recovery but with grace ,work and my Higher Power I became stronger with support,my own daily work and a reall application of the program...(Gods grace my son now in his 4th year of recovery also)WE learn to really love ourselves and do what we need to to attain that.. Again for me,This really starts each and every day Banging my 3rd/11th steps daily and really incorporating what im are doing,share my feelings as often as i need and again for me I have found that helping others in any manner possible has always taken me out of the funk.I worked in the field of People With Disabilities for over 34 years and on any day when I felt like crying in my soup all I had to do was look around..No one can make you feel worth something or "good enough" as you say ,you have been working long enough to know its an inside job..Keep sharing ,reach out the best way you can and obviously DONT PICK UP....PEACE MAN,KEEP THE FAITH ,keep doing the work..WE know where the other road took us...Congrats on 18 years,remember how you did it.............
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Welcome. Glad you're here and thanks for sharing. I also have issues like you've described and I have found relief by working the steps and talking to my sponsor. My disease tells me that I am no good, that I don't deserve recovery. But that's a big lie. Sometimes I need others to help me see the truth.
-- Edited by Dave R on Monday 11th of August 2014 06:27:01 AM
I came on board here when I thought I wouldn't see 17 years and today I celebrate 20~
I see a little of me in your journey having found the last several years harder than any others.
I mentioned in my post today that I've come to learn that there are continued levels to our journey of recovery and that I have the tools to adapt; just need to tap into them.
Keep sharing, keep going to your regular meetings and keep coming here... this board has allowed me to spew all my frustrations, confusions and especially fears when I just didn't have anyone or anywhere else to do so. There are so many seasoned members who can relate to you... all you have to do is let it out!
Take care of you!
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
My name's Mike, I'm a grateful Recovering addict Clean by the Grace of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God through the Power of NA. Today I've been Clean 12,315 One Day at a Times in a row. I am no big deal yet those days are testament to continual surrender of my powerlessness and acceptance of the power I find through surrender. I will never be well, yet at times I can feel whole and complete. Not complete as in my Journey is done, but complete in the the sense that I know in my core I am following a path my Higher Power approves. My Journey will never end, I will never cease learning and growing. I must always be willing to surrender my will and control, Step One over and over again!
It can be tough sometimes in F2F recovery situations, be it in Meetings or service, to find others to relate and empathize with as we acquire more and more time. It's not that we are any better or worse than someone with substantially less time it's that our challenges can be very different than growth challenges earlier in Recovery. It can be difficult not to feel we are supposed to have the answers for others when heck it can be a challenge to know the real questions let alone the answers in our own lives! You are not alone. Jeeze I gotta laugh, while sitting here typing saying it's tough not to feel like we are supposed to have the answers part of me is feeling like since I have about twice the clean time I should have the answers for you! Silly me ha-ha!
In the hustle and bustle of Life, remember to also take time for yourself. KISS. You DO deserve this better way of Life. Be True to your Higher Power and you'll be True to yourself.
And don't be a stranger here! I've started everyday hitting MIPS first thing in the morning for a few years now and find it helps keep me grounded in the often hectic day to day. Life and Recovery is a Journey not a Destination.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Howdy! What works for me... getting out of my head. My sponsor keeps telling me to stop "shoulding" all over myself when I get in that frame of mind, reminding me (with that all-knowing smile) that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I just want to scream and punch her in the face when that happens. But I take a step back, breathe, look at what's going RIGHT in my life, and realize it could all be so much worse.
What can you change? Is it something in your daily routine, your attitude, or maybe just taking some time out of your day to work with some other addicts toward a common goal. We started getting complacent in our recovery community, so we decided to do a highway cleanup. We go camping. We have bonfires. The best sharing and connecting comes from the meetings after the meetings, I've found.
My mind also tells me that, if there's no chaos or problems, I must be doing something wrong. I was addicted to drama. I don't know what to do when things are going well. I often think I don't deserve it. That's when the program and its principles are of the utmost importance. :)
