This is a bit long, but it end well... I was ready to cut my wrists two nights ago. I was begging God to take off the Earth and out of everyone's lives. I was convinced that death would release them all from the burden of me. But a funy thing happend to me on my way to the grave... A voice in my head said, "this cannot be the way that God wants it to end for you." So I picked up my phone and called the suicide hotline, and 45 minutes later, I didn't want to die anymore. I was in a better place.
The next day I woke up, picked up a pad of paper and I wrote down 5 things I was happy about. I started to feel better by the hour. I didn't call my dealer for the first time in 7 days. My 15 month relapse, which was on and off binges with heroin, was about to end. I was finally realizing that snorting up a bag of dope wouldn't be the answer. It's now the problem. But today, the ultimate test came...
A friend I used with last week came by. I had clued her in to what was going on and how close I came to ruining some peoples lives... most especially my mother. Nevertheless, where she was supportive yesterday, today, she wanted me to "help" her out by scoring for her. Suffice to say, I had already deleted my dealers' numbers. But I told her that drugs weren't part of my life from now on and I wouldn't be making calls for anyone. I have too much to live for. I've ruined my credit and I'm broke... But if I stay clean, that will get better in about 6 weeks. Then I can start taking care of bills I've neglected.
And how did I celebrate? I went to an NA meeting tonight for the 1st time in two years. That's right. And I'm going tomorrow night and I have the rest of the week lined up as well.
But I also realized: God is giving me one last chance to make my life what I want. And I refuse to screw it up by being a junkie and being penniless. It's not happening anymore. End of line....
If you're struggling like I was, please believe me when I tell you, surrender is the only option. Surrender to this process of 12 step recovery. Get a sponsor and do step work. But most of all, remember that there's too much to live for and if you end up killing yourself over drugs, then drugs have won...
I am an addict named Mike...I watched my now 27 year old son(just a tad younger than you) go through 7 devastating years of Heroin addiction and finally after all of it(Jails ,institutions ,derilication and literally death,anaphalactic shock from bad cut in his envelope,heart stopped 2x) Narcotics Anonymous offers a message of HOPE and a promise of freedom ,no magic bullet but adherence to never picking up and incorporating to all areas of our lives the Solution,,the Steps,worked with a sponsor and finding a Power greater than ourselves(not who or what this Power is but what it can do to help keep US clean a day at a time...Glad you showed up..Keep doing the work,,thanks for positive message)My son now in his fourth year of recovery still doing the daily as I do also....In recovery"Lost dreams do awaken and new possiblities continually arise" Peace man.......
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I'm so glad you didn't take your life, it is the ultimate step in the first step of ruining so many things. myself, I do not attend meetings for NA, as I haven't really found one I like here, and have been on and off sober for the last 20 yrs., mostly narcotic pain meds due to the 18 surgeries I've had since 1994. I deal with chronic pain everyday, somedays are bad, some days not so bad. I will pray for you. Be good to yourself.
