I have had so much fear of being different that i haven't accepted that I'm alcoholic. I realize different doesn't have to be bad. The book clearly states that "no one wants to admit that we are different than his fellows." It also talks about how we are of average intelligence except when it comes to alcohol/drugs. For almost 5 years, I have been condemning the hell out of myself and hating the fact that I'm alcoholic/addict and blaming myself for it, beating myself up for it as if I don't deserve to be happy because of it. This is not the way the book or my HP tells me how to live. I have done a lot of praying this morning about not being so hard on myself and I am asking God to take away my harsh judgements of myself and others.
I realized this am, after almost 5 years of sobriety, that I have hated myself and God for being alcoholic and that I have been "fighting" it and wishing it was something else beside what it is. I have judged it as a weakness, bad, yuk, pitiful and have condemnded myself for having this disease. In reality, I am realizing that if I didn't have this disease that I probably would have NEVER had a relationship with my Higher Power, would have never come to my HP, and that God is making me strong through my weakness and that it's okay to have an illness. I have a hard time even writing the word weakness because I judge it and alcoholism as someone who is retarded or defective person. When in reality, God doesn't want me to judge me and others so harshly. My disease could have been something worse, like cancer or I could have been mentally challenged. My disease scares me because I think if I'm not on top of it at all times then I will go back. But the book clearly stated that we are not to try to "control it" but we are to admit it and go on. I used to think I didn't have to accept it, but I am learning if I don't then I will die. I'll die by drugs/alcohol or suicide because the pain of being out of acceptance is unbearable.
My prayer is that God will help me to be ever mindful of this fact, that I may have a disease, but I am not a disease. I am a young woman who wants to live and be in acceptance.
I am realizing I have been judging different as bad of defective. Different doesn't have to be bad. It can just mean different and we are all different
Michelle, Not having to fight any more is the reward for surrender. The very nature of the disease concept of addiction is that it is no longer a choice we make, but a condition we need to live with. My addiction may have started through choosing to use, but by the time I was an addict, choice was no longer an option. Who chooses to have a chronic illness?; heart disease, cancer, diabetes, MS, ect, ect.
The only choice that I have now is the choice to treat the disease, or to ignore it with the hope that it goes away. Every disease may be held at bay through several actions we take. There are big things involving a change of lifestyle, and there are the smaller daily maintainance items that are equally important.
About the best parallel I know of is comparing diabetes to addiction. Checking blood sugar levels=daily inventory+talking with a sponsor; insulin=working the steps+developing a relationship with HP; change of diet=changing people, places and things; exercise program=going to meetings+doing service.
I am not responsible for the disease, but I am responsible to see that it is treated.
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
I read what you said and I can realte To that Me I could not let go and let God until I stop hating myself for everything my GOD is a good GOD and when I think of him as good I loose the composing to drink but I also have to work the steps in my life the step makes it easy so easy dose it
