Ok so I "quit" smoking in the beginning of dec. Thenn I picked up a pack here and there...smoked two felt guilty and gave them away. Today I bought a packof a different brand when I was arguing with my husband....found out I really liked them. Now I have no intentions of giving the pack away. Im hiding it from my husband...it feels like using. The old thoughts, the old behaviors....Im just going to finish this pack....and Ill be done...YEAH RIGHT. All the while I totally know better and all I can think about right now is a damn cigarette. I dont think I want to smoke either, but then again I think I do. Its really not practical, since I cant afford it, my husband will be extremely disappointed in me, and number one--MY SON HAS ASTHMA!!!! I am not smoking in the car or the house at all, but smoke gets in my clothes. It is so selfish of me and so insane and so impractical. I am struggling, suffering....I know I am not doing the right thing. I know I am going against gods will. It doesnt feel good, but on the same hand I feel so stuck. Its like using. Ima slave to these things. I had a great night with my husband and it feels so aweful lying to him, sneaking away for a cigarette, spraying perfume on myself, chewing gum, hiding the pack and the matches.....Not telling him because I KNOW he will help me throw them away or be really pissed! Anyway, I just wanted to vent and telll on myself. Thanks for listening
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Danielle 10-14-04
"Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise"
Yes Danielle, I understand. I have considered how to get past the "Demon Nicotine" for a few years now, but haven't found the willingness yet. I know that I have to do it for me. I guess I am having difficulty applying "and that our lives had become unmanagable" to tobacco. That is really kind of silly, because I lost my father to cigarettes almost three years ago. He was the racetrack for a race between lung cancer, chronic obstuctive pulmonary disease, and congestive heart failure - all directly related to smoking. The damage done by tobacco is slow, but progressive, until it is too late.
Back before my Dad's disease became apparent, I used to point out a passage in NA's Hospitals and Institutions handbook that told panel members that coffee and tobacco were outside issues. Good old denial.
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
I am 37 and quit smoking when I was in my early 20's. Believe it, I was highly addicted to cigarettes at that young age. I got on my hands and knees and asked God to help me or do it for me. I admitted to Him that I could not do it by myself because the cigarettes were so much more powerful than me. I didn't smoke for about 2 weeks and then I picked up a cigarette and tried to smoke it and got very sick (nauseated.) After that, I have not had to smoke a cigarette. Keep praying and it will be done.
my road to stop smoking cigs was a long and winding one !!!
started at age 16 or so,,, and went on till i was 6 years clean or so,,
i remember the times i craved,,, not to smoke,,, but to stop that damn habit once and for all !!!
and since i wished i could stop smoking until i actually did was a long time,, nigh on 20 years ????
i was lucky in meeting a spom\nsor, my first one that did not smoke.
i remember that nite telling him i wanted to stop and he said to do one thing at a time,,,
so i first stopped to get my chest cleared,, then i decided that i was feeling much better about myself not smoking !!!
i also read a book called smokers anonymous and did those daily meditations,,,
ive never had to smoke again for about 12 years now,,, after countless failed attempts to quit,,,
i really am greatful.
i believe smoking dosent fit into my image of myself anymore,,one primary reason to stop,,, thats what gave me this intense desire o be a non cigarette smoker !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
