Hi everyone!

I'm seeking a new way to recover.  I have been here before but since than my email that I had before was compromised as well as my PC..  So I had to start fresh on so many things.  The only thing that I haven't had to change for a few 24hrs is my clean time.  However, I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't change that as well. 

I have many mental illness, mainly diagnosed as a manic depressant.    About a week ago, I had my brother in law take me to the ER.  I suffer from COPD in the later stages.  I had a bad spell last winter I was coughing up like a bright lime green color from within my insides.  I was on a 80mg dose of prednisone and was than after a long winter last year my tendon in the back of your foot.  Well I was walking toward my kitchen and I felt a snap and I could just feel it crushing as I went towards the floor.  There was nothing I could do.  My foot was so big for so long.  Sores all over my leg.  Than the right one went having the same thing.  I knew that this was going to take a lot longer to heal from.  Well anyway, when I got to the ER they put on what is a C-pap or something like that but the lady said it was like the next step away from a ventilator that they would shove down your throut this one was a mask that pushes air in and out.

My blood pressure and my heart is beating so fast.  I have been taking Vicodine for a lot of years for the pain in my left knee, back, and the dose over the last 5 years of this has come from taking a 5mg dose 4 times daily and now it is 20mg dose 4 times daily.  I also have a bad liver amongst other things.  I was talking with the Doctor in ER and she said I had something on my legs I can't remember what it is but it started with a M.  She said does your doctor know?  I said yes he said that it looks OK Now that it will always remain that way.  Well, that last Saturday night my Doctor was on call for himself I checked in at noon.  At 2:15pm he hadn't even shown up, they wouldn't give me my medications and I had the HOPS card in my wallet on dosage etc.  So I checked myself out.  I scheduled a appointment to see the Doctor for Wednesday.  I apologized to him for checking myself out and than I was telling him how I had called my Sister and asked her if God forgives us for the things we do wrong.  She said, Yes as long as we ask him too.  When I told him that, The Doctor said to me, "Well God might forgive you, but some of us taxpayers might not be so forgiving to have a 5-6 Thousand dollar evaluation to know that you have COPD and that your white blood count is extremely high."  I didn't say anything to him, but I am a smoker and was down to 7 cigs a day.  Since that day, I have been smoking a pack a day again trying to cut back but it just seems as if I have no desire now to even try.  I am a manic depressant, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Bi-Polar among other things.  It really hurt me when he said that my life isn't worth saving and my heart is beating about 140-160 beats a minute still and he never gave me any medication to lesson that.

So yeah I am seeking help.  I have been home bound due to my health issues for 5-6 years now but I don't understand why I am not getting better just worse.  So I have become more irritable than I have for a very long time.  I think that my time is about up anyway which I accept that.  I just don't know what to do.  I need fellowship.  This board has been around forever, I wish it was more active.  anyway.  Thanks for listening to me.