I'm posting for the first time in an attempt to find support. While I have family and friends who are being supportive and sympathetic to my situation, they can't be truly empathetic because they haven't experienced what I have. I want to be able to find someone who's been through what I've been through.
I'll start at the beginning. I've been on narcotics since the fall of 2008 when my cramping got so bad I would be lying in bed curled up in a ball and crying. My doctor started me out on vicodin. As the years passed, 2-3 days a month turned to 7, turned to 14, until finally I was in pain the entire month. My doctor finally sent me to a gynecologist who said I had endometriosis, a condition in which the baby-growing cells start growing outside of the uterus. The months went on and while we tried treating it hormonally, nothing was working. I only got sicker. As you all know, your body builds up a tolerance rather quickly for narcotics. It wasn't long before I was upped to percocet, then to oxycontin. I had to withdraw from college because the pain was taking over my life. Around the time I was upped to percocet I had a laparoscopy that confirmed the earlier diagnosis of endometriosis. In addition to the laparoscopy, they often try even more intense hormone therapy. For the next 6 months my poor 23 year old body was subjected to menopause hormones. I ended up taking three extra medications just to deal with the side effects of that. During this time, my pain didn't decrease. I continued using the narcotics.
The abuse started gradually. I was so terrified of the pain that anytime I felt even a twinge I would take my pills, even when it wasn't the time to take them. I was very clever about my abuse though. I never went to illegal sources, I always had a prescription for it. I just made sure that I never ran out of them. I filled the prescription as early as I could; I told the doctor I needed my dosage upped. I always managed to find a way to get the drugs legally. It wasn't until a few months ago when I had to withdraw from school again that I started being less careful with my abuse. I would take the pills and run out of a month's supply within a week or two. Then I would go a week or two without the pills before I could get them again. The pain was there, but I wanted that high so badly, I didn't care that I had to deal with the pain. I was also abusing my sleep medication (Ambien). I couldn't sleep well, so I did the same thing I did with the narcotics. I'd get the prescription filled as early as possible. that gave me a week layover for each month, plenty for if I was careful about it. But I began to be less careful about that as well.
This brings me to the climax of my story. Mid-October I couldn't sleep. I tried everything - taking more Ambien, taking over the counter sleeping pills, taking the samples of Lunesta my doctor had given to me since the Ambien was becoming less effective. Of course, I also had my narcotics to take as well. I ended up overdosing. I couldn't sleep, but I was drugged up out of my mind. After falling several times around the apartment, I finally managed to sleep a little bit. But when I woke up I was still disoriented. My speech was slurred, I was still bumping into things. After several hours my husband insisted we go to the ER. I went with him but only under the condition that we not tell them I was there because of my drugs. I was terrified that they would take away my pain and sleep medicine and that I would be in pain and unable to sleep. So they admitted me and I was in the hospital for three days. They diagnosed me as having severe sinusitis and ended at that. Now, I must mention that in August I had started a new nerve pain medication under counsel of pain management. It was during the few days after the hospital when I was without my narcotics that I realized the nerve pain medications were working, and that I didn't need the narcotics anymore. I talked to my doctor and we put a plan into place to get myself off of the narcotics.
But that didn't stop my abuse. Not two weeks later, plenty of pills in hand and another sleepless night, and I took too many narcotics and sleep meds. Only I was supposed to be picking up my kids that I babysat for. So I got in the car, high out of my mind, and went driving. I know in NA you talk about a higher power. I prefer to think of that higher power as God, my apologies if you don't. I believe God was with me that day. I crashed into a telephone pole near my house on a back road. I stripped the passenger side down to the body, but I got away with only a seat belt rash. I could've crashed into another car and hurt someone; I could have crashed on the highway going 70 mph; I could have crashed on the driver's side; I could have had my kids in the car; etc.
If the hospital was my first wake up call, the car crash was my second. And the third, because third time's the charm? My husband telling me he was done filling my prescriptions. After the hospital, he began counting my pills. He confronted me and told me he was tired of me acting like it wasn't a problem. He was right. I kept lying to myself that it was all within the parameters of my prescription, full well knowing that I was being clever in how I got them refilled. While I had had my prescription filled again a few days after the hospital, I was already out by the second day after the car accident. I kept telling myself that if my doctor would prescribe more for me, I would take them just to ease the withdrawal. But that never happened. My husband and I worked out a system for my sleep medication, that's still in effect, that he would fill the prescription, hide it from me, and dispense the necessary amount at bedtime. It's worked out really well so far. Especially because of the insomnia that comes with withdrawal.
This long story gets me to the part I was talking about. The part where I need support. I quit the narcotics cold turkey. We all know how messy the withdrawal process is, and I prefer to keep my memories vague. It was what I call the aftershock that has been difficult working with. It wasn't until my third week off of the narcotics that I finally went to my doctor begging for clonidine, hoping it would help my symptoms of anxiety, restlessness, and insomnia. And it worked. Not for the insomnia, not right away. It took me getting a sinus infection for my body to finally give up on fighting sleep. But the clonidine almost immediately stopped the feelings of anxiousness and restlessness, which were driving me insane. I was finally able to sit down for more than five minutes at a time; watch a movie without having a panic attack; and just BE without stress.
The part I've really been struggling with is the cravings. I have an emotional trigger. A bad day at work, a stressful day at home, and all my mind can think about is how nice it would be to just find some narcotics and lose myself in them. My mind is clear for the first time in 5 years, and yet all I can think about is how much I want it to be fuzzy again. How do you deal with the cravings? I know I'm not in danger of relapsing, I'm too terrified of what would happen were I to be doing the drugs illegally. But I am afraid of what my mind is replacing that addiction with. Money? Food? How do I fulfill that craving in a healthy way?
Welcome! Sounds to me like we have a lot in common. I'm a little more than 90 days clean this time around and the cravings are eating me alive. I shower. Or meditate. Do things to keep my mind off of it. I have been in a coma, overdosed many times, been to jail, rehab, and wrecked my car. And every time after something happened I always said never again. I was just recently diagnosed with a brain tumor possibly cancer and I think to myself why bother? I'm going to die anyway mine as well keep using. But I stopped. It gets better. I would go to 90 meetings in 90 days. A meeting everyday for the first 90days you are clean. Find a sponsor. Work the steps. Keep coming back
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Welcome. It is really really hard to stop using drugs, and stay stopped, alone.
I learned that I couldn't do it alone and that's when I tried going to NA meetings.
It is the best decision I ever made.
NA can help you stop using drugs and to learn to deal with life on life's terms.
I used drugs because I thought I needed them to deal with life.
I learned in NA that I don't need drugs. I don't have to use.
I hope you do yourself a favor and go to some meetings.
You will find lots of experience, hope, and support there.
Liz, I read your posting from a few days ago. I'm very sorry to hear you have a tumor. I hope it's benign. Miracles do happen and if coming clean has taught me anything it's that there's a God out there listening. My diagnosis means a lot of things, the most frustrating to me though is that I might not be able to have kids. Also, I'm working on getting to the actual meetings. The problem is that I can't drive and my husband sometimes works too late for us to be able to go. At least that's what has happened these past 6 or so weeks.
Mike, I'm glad I found you guys. I've been lurking in the chatroom hoping that someone will come online, but then I saw that people tend to respond on the forum, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
Dave, it is really, really hard to stop. I didn't think I had the strength to do it, but I did. Now that my body isn't physically craving it, I just have to work on the mental aspect.
I am now seeing an addiction counselor weekly, and I hope that she will be able to help me get my mind in order.
Hi and welcome to MIP Yours is a tragic story but unfortunately not an uncommon one. Many, many addicts got started by going to a doctor for a legitimate problem. The cravings you speak of are an issue all of us have had or still have to deal with. I can only tell you what worked for me. The steps, the fellowship of NA, and my higher power. Once the drugs have been out of your system for a while the 'cravings' are mostly psychological. Don't misunderstand me. They are very very real, but it's a mind trick. It's the disease of addiction fighting to regain control over you. That's why there is so much spirituality in the 12 steps.... We replace our desire to use with faith in God, and a belief that because many people have found a life without drugs in NA, that we can too. At this stage of your recovery, the more meetings you go to, the more recovering addicts you talk to, the easier it is to get through this difficult period...In the early stages of my recovery it was common for me to go to two or three meetings a day. I wanted to get off and stay off drugs so I did what clean addicts told me they did. You used a word that I don't believe in "trigger"....It's a rehab thing and I don't believe it...IMHO it's a trap. It leads us to believe that if we avoid the trigger than we can avoid the temptation to use. I gotta tell ya that in my experience that is crap.....waking up in the morning was all the trigger I needed. I craved drugs because I was an addict....It's just that simple. I'm really glad you came here and shared your story. I guarantee you that if you go to a few meetings and share your story you will find others who have had similar experiences. I wish you well, and keep coming back
Glad that you shared with us and welcome! Pain shared is pain lessened. I hear your pain and frustration and fear. I have been thru a lot of what you have been thru as well and the common denominator here is "Pain". In NA, we are not concerned with what you used or how much, who your connections were, or what you have done in the past, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how can WE help! I have been thru the endometrisus thing myself and almost died. It ended with a hysterectomy but my life was spared. I did have one child who was later killed when she was five by a drunk driver leaving me childless. That is not the end of the World. It just is what it is and adoption is always an option. Many of us here in the rooms have serious health issues, many of them a result of the damage we did to our bodies in active addiction. I have dealth with many health issues since coming into the rooms such as cancer, lupus, fibromyalgia, COPD, two stokes, a mild heart attack and now..... Blindness (Just to name a few) We are the one's who are responsible for our recovery and it is important to find Doctors that have knowledge of addiction. We all know how to play and manipulate our Doctors but a knowledgeable Doctor can easily pick up the signs of abuse. It is important however that you be honest with you Doctor and every Doctor that you see and remind them often that you are a recovering addict and are their other forms of pain management other than using narcotics. I ended up having a neuro-stimulator put in to control pain. I would strongly suggest that you get connected to stay protected by going to NA meetings and getting phone numbers and call these people. This is a WE program and who better to help you than another recovering addict who truly understands the struggle. I have to rely on rides to all of my meetings whether it be from people in the rooms, friends or city transportation. My recovery is important and I have to be willing to put as much into my recovery as I put into the getting, using and finding more ways to use. I did whatever I had to do to get my drugs and now I have to become willing to do whatever it takes in recovery. I will say that recovery is probably the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life but it has become the most rewarding thing that I've ever done. I wish I had done it sooner before five prison sentences, 18 yrs. living on the street, 4 suicide attempts and losing everything that I had including my pride, dignity and self-respect, but I wouldn't take any of it back as it is what brought me to the rooms. I am one of the lucky one's ...... I GOT TO LIVE! Plant yourself in the meetings. Go to as many a day as you have to. Get a Sponsor, work the steps, pray & meditate and get involved in service. All of this will help you to get one more day clean, and then another, and then another. You cannot focus on using and recovery at the same time. When the urges hit you, pick up the NA book, read NA literature, pick up the phone and call someone and let them know where you are at, and go to a meeting. All these things help to distract you from those urges and no matter what........ don't give up on yourself and keep coming back. It will get easier!
I saw an addiction counselor who recommended that I attend NA meetings.
The counselor helped me get a start in recovery but going to meetings and working the NA program helped me continue to grow in recovery and to stay away from drugs. NA helped me get my mind and spirit together.
The meetings will always be there for you if you decide to go.
What have you got to loose?
Welcome. Thank you for sharing.
My suggestion is to go to meetings(90 in 90)... Find a sponsor and start reading the literature and working the steps.
For me, when I start obsessing about using I call someone who is in my network or come in here and post about it or go to a meeting.
Dusty is right that pain shared is pain lessened and it is so true.
Keep coming back and no matter what don't use just for today.
*hugs*
Avid, I understand why you don't believe in the word "trigger." However, it is something that my addiction counselor and I discussed thoroughly. That's not to say that I won't get the cravings for another reason, but that they generally stem from emotional stress. It was a differentiation between actual pain (which I am no longer experiencing with my nerve pain medication) getting my brain into craving mode, or if there were other things that set me off. I've been out of a job since my car accident, and have recently started working a seasonal job in my town. The reason we were differentiating is because we were discussing general aches and pains. Something so silly, but something that I am suddenly experiencing again. For almost 5 years I went without having to worry about general aches and pains. Narcotics mask all your pain. We were talking about whether that kind of pain set me to thinking about using again. That's why I made the differentiation. I don't wake up thinking about using the drugs. For most of the day, I'm fine not even thinking about them. I have other things to worry about. But when my husband and I fight, which has been a lot recently - THAT is when I crave them the most.
Dusty, I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I'm glad that you understand where I'm coming from. The fear of pain was only the beginning of my abuse. I hope we can talk more about what you've been through.
Dave, my addiction counselor and my regular counselor have both suggested NA meetings. I'm going to do my best to get to a meeting as soon as possible. While it's great to have everyone on here showing their support, there's something about face-to-face time that means so much.
Flame, I have to look into the literature. I haven't purchased any yet, but I know I need to.
I guess I've just been a little hesitant to embrace the whole NA thing fully. I feel like there are so many people out there who had it so much worse than I did, who have gone to great lengths to get the drugs they desired. Truth be told, I feel a little out of place. I guess I need to remember that this isn't about how I started using, what I used, or how I got the drugs; this is about the recovery process and getting the support I need to not go back to the drugs again.
My aunt is the only person in my life who has experienced drug addiction, and I felt so much better after talking to her about my experiences. My husband, my friends, my family - they can all support me, but they don't know what it was like to go through withdrawal. They don't understand the cravings. I need more conversations with addicts to feel like I'm being heard AND understood.
Hey Woven, you know.....when I first came into the rooms I felt very uncomfortable because I felt that surely no one had used as hard as I had, for as long as I had and had gone down as far as I had. Then I heard another lady share that she didn't feel like she belonged as she didn't use like the rest of us as her only problem was pills and pot. I guess that is why we state that "We don't care what you used or how much you used but only in what you want to do about your problem and how WE can help. My using brought me to my knees with lots of consequences and the lady who only used pills & pot was brought to her knees with lots of consequences as well. Each person's point of desperation is different but the truth is, is that if a person does not stop using.....they will go to jail, they will go to institutions and they will most likely die. Your pain is your pain so do not minimize what you have gone thru or not gone thru. I was bull headed and had a difficult time believing that I was NOT in control....even when the destruction of my life was staring me in the face. Be grateful that you did not have to lose everything and go thru all that so many of us had to go thru to come to the point of desperation where WE become willing to change. I wish I had had the ability to accept that I was an addict and powerless over my addiction long before my life went down the tubes but that isn't my story and I am envious in some ways that there are those who were open-minded and willing to accept their addiction before the bottom fell out. If you believe that you are an addict.....then you probably are and you are welcomed. This is about your life and what you have gone thru as a result of your addiction and you are the one who is trying to become healthier and find a new way of life. Everybodies bottom is different. Like I said, the common demonitor is PAIN! We earned our right to sit in one of those seats in NA with our pain whether it be emotional, mental, physical or spiritually..........drugs always brought us to our knees.
Now, as far as triggers go.......I don't feel that anything can make me use as I do have a choice now that I am no longer guided by mind altering, mood changing substances but I also believe that one needs to become more intune with themselves and what causes them to feel uncomfortable where they fall back to those familiar behaviors that origionally led them to use to mask those feelings. When we know those things that cause us discomfort and the short comings or character defects behind them then we are better able to make positive choices. Have a great day ahead of you!
The IPS are free and there is a lot a great information in them also.
It also took me time before I started feeling comfortable.
The patience and unconditional love that was given to me was amazing.
My other pearl of wisdom today is that this is a slow process. It takes time.
Hugs
Sarah
