A couple weekends ago I went to Chicago with my best friend. We were downtown site seeing and all of a sudden out of the blue I could feel my legs collapsing underneath me. My vision was completely gone I couldn't see and I couldn't hear. I blacked out in the middle of downtown Chicago in the 10 degree weather. I was scared. When I came too I couldn't help but think to myself is this karma? Of all the times I've tried to take my life and have never succeeded, was this lifes way of saying karmas a bitch. nothing like this has ever happened for no explainable reason. Ever since that day I'm not the same. I don't feel the same. I feel "sick". I pass out while I'm driving everyday to the point where I'm afraid to drive. I smoke a cigarette and I have the feeling of being actually high. So I made an appointment with a neurologist not by my choice but its what my mom wanted. So the did some tests and took some pictures and turns out I have a tumor. I don't know if its cancerous or not yet but I'm scared. And sad.
Today I have 90 days clean. For what? To find out I might have cancer? I'm sorry for loathing in my own self pity. I don't know what else to do.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
So glad you shared. Six months after I got clean....I was diagnosed with Chronic Myloid Leukemia. That led to a little over two years of chemotherapy, radiation and a bone-marrow transplant until I had a stoke which ended the cancer treatment but then right after the stroke I found out that I was in remission. I have been clean since July 2000 and have never pick up a start over chip. Since getting clean I have been diagnosed with Lupus, had two strokes and one mild heartattack and have gone blind. I remember feeling the same way that you are feeling in that I felt like, "I got clean for this???" and then I realized that.......NO, I didn't get clean for this, that and the other. I got clean because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and not being able to live with or without the use of drugs. Anything else that comes down the pipe is just life on life's terms and is what it is and you can utilize the Program, your support network, your Sponsor, the spiritual principles, the steps and faith to walk thru whatever you are dealing with. It's okay to feel what you feel but try not to stay stuck there. Will be praying for you and stay clean. You can choose to stay clean, NO MATTER WHAT! YOU do have a choice in this!
Thank you so much for that. I'm only 22 and already have a list of health problems that could fill the whole page
. This is not my first time at being clean. Its really nice to hear from someone "new" I come on here often but mostly as a " lurker" as people would say. I don't post often but like to read what everyone posts. I just don't feel like I can catch a break! I will try not to be stuck on this but for now I think im allowed to be until I find out if its cancer or not.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
I'm sorry you have a tumor and had you can get well. 90 days clean is a great thing. Whatever problems I have to deal with, I can handle them better if I am clean.
-- Edited by Dave R on Saturday 7th of December 2013 06:40:11 AM
So sorry to hear about your illness.
It seems so unfair that after casting off the horrors of active addiction
that you should come down with something so scary.
Prayers.
Always in my thoughts and prayers.......WE remember CLEAN TIME does not equal recovery but on any given day it can be our greatest asset! Congratulations on 90 days, a day at a time...Just like OUR program and a guidance by the God of your own understanding HOPE is the message...WE cannot always control the daily Life on Life's terms happening but WE can control our reaction to them. I will lift you up in prayer for strength, courage and peace as each day arrives. Keep sharing your pain, it truly is helpful. It is human nature to be fearful and angry in such a debilatating situation by being able to share this with others (even though you are a private person)I know, based on my own evidence how it can help .And you know by using it will not add anything positive to the situation...I will continue to pray and wait to hear more from you.....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hey Liz, yes.....I have loads of health issues. Ironic, it didn't seem that I had any health issues until I got clean but then again.....I never went to see a Doctor when I was in active addiction. Many of the health issues that I have (including blindness) are a direct result of my using. After I got clean I started to take care of myself and went to see Doctors to see how my physical & health state was. Boy was I shocked at the damage I had done to my body, not to mention lowering my immune system setting me up for other illnesses. I too, have a tumor on the brain (benign) and have lots of headaches but at lest it wasn't cancerous. They cannot take it out as the nerves and all have wrapped themselves about it like a ball of string making it difficult to remove it without killing me. So it remains there and they keep a watch on it. I think it is scarier .... the NOT knowing, as our minds can play tricks on us and have us thinking the worse. Try not to go there if you can. We try to live in the moment and hand our lives over to the care of a power greater than ourselves. Whether it is benign or cancerous, you can walk thru whatever it is that you need to do, and not use. Recovery has given us the "Gift of Choice" today and we can "CHOOSE" not to pick up. I pray that is the decision that you make as using will not make any thing better, nor your health. Keep us informed and let us know how we can be of help to you. Love ya!
I don't have any desire to use and this time I am being completely serious. I can t afford to lose my life by putting dangerous substances in my body anymore. I'm too scared. This morning when in woke up I didn't know where I was. I didn't know what day it was and I didn't know the man(my fiancé) who was sleeping next to me. I'm going to church to pray really hard about it this .morning. I can t be scared about this all the time. K don't have the time nor energy for it. But hopefully the grace of god will give me some comfort for today.
Love you guys and thanks for everything. For putting up with me since was a crazy teenager.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
WE love you back Liz and are here for you....Let the God of your understanding bring that peace that surpasses all understanding.....I lift you up in our house of worship today!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
HEY LIZ DAMNIT i'm so sorry to hear about this situation BUT i'm glad someone here can help you find your way threw it. Where is the tumor ? find out if this could be whats causing the confusion, i'm sure its very scary I have had moments of confusion and disorientation too, only seconds though, so maybe find out what effects this thing you have may cause so you know what to expect and I will be giving prayers up for you, i'll give up pizza too so you get well...
"Hopefully the Grace of God will give me some comfort today"......Guess what??? The Grace of God has already given you comfort and anything else that you may need. All you have to do is to take hold of it and latch onto it. The word "hopefully" is a doubt filled word...."faith" is the key here!
Liz, it's one life's "kick you when your down" moments and I'll pray that your health has a quick and positive outcome for you.
Six years into my sobriety a life long illness took a crazy, out of control turn for the worse and blatantly put cancer as a future outcome on the table for me.
I was worse than ever after more than two years of various medical treatments and some of the side effects caused so much pain that I was put on morphine even with full knowledge of my addiction.
I eventually had to surrender to surgery which resulted in sepsis, a couple heart attacks as well as kidney and lung failure.
It was the scariest sober event of my life to that point and the line between active addiction and regulated medical treatment may have been a little blurry but I made it through without picking up.
And just when everything was back on track and I was feeling good about life, my son and his burgeoning mountain of mental health/addiction issues decided otherwise.
The day before I joined MIP, I went head-to-head with my demon drug devil and won.
Frequently, my "I got clean for this??" pity parties get overwhelming so I come to MIP and soak it all in.
You might be a lurker but you're also a valued contributor to this board and I want to say 'thank you' because this morning you've shut down my pity party and helped me refocus on my gratitude and appreciation for today :)
Please share anytime.
Peace, kd
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
so you get well...
