My baby boy (well he's almost a year) has been so sick.. He was in the hospital before xmas and has been sick since. The doctor thinks that he most likely has asthma. It stinks....the disease sees its opening......and WHAM. Its my fault! Its cause I relapsed when I was pregnant with him on marijuana and I smoked cigarettes. (thank god I didnt go back to crack) Then I kept smoking but I know cig smoke gets in clothes and still affects baby. Well its no coincedence that Im on Guilt/shame on my 4th step. Ironically I quit smoking in the beginning of Dec. The disease sucks. It may not be my fault. It does run in the family somewhat. I knwo this in my head but tell the disease that.. Its late I need to get to sleep. Must be up with him to do round the clock treatments. Being a mom is not easy, but Thank god I can show up today. For periods of time, I could only show up for the disease for the most part with my two older girls.
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Danielle 10-14-04
"Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise"
Danielle, It sounds as if the "coulda, woulda, shoulda, if only's" have a firm grip on your serenity right now. I know that one of the things that I tend to do is to feel sorry for, and angry at myself, feeling that way helps to reinforce the low sense of self worth I am so used to feeling. When I'm feeling like a piece of s***, that image of myself makes it much easier for the disease of addiction to regain a foothold in my life. I was taught by my sponsor that guilt is a feeling that we get when we do something wrong, but that shame is a lifestyle choice. Asthma runs in the family??? Are you feeling guilty, or are you living in shame? Second guessing my life by imagining things being different "if only" I had done X or Y differently is kind of a futile exercise, nothing I do now can change the past. I can only learn from the past and move on with TODAY's life. Imagining a different past supposes that we have perfect understanding, that we absolutely understand cause and effect, and that we actually have the omnipotence to make things turn out the way we imagine they should turn out. That isn't human, it's taking over for HP. Yes we do need to accept responsibility for our actions, but when we seek out responsibility for things we may not have done it hurts us. I know you are on the 4th step, but perhaps you will want to revisit this when you get to the 9th step, to make amends to yourself.
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
