i cant stop using and i keep telling myself that if i just take my klonopin, which is prescribed, and drink, then i will be ok. then i went out on wed nite w friends who i have been friends with for a long time.....and my friend gave me a percocet, then we went to the bar, and then my other friend was going to philly to get dust, and i knew i should not have gone but i fucking went anyway. i smoked it and felt horrible. then i went back to the bar and allmy other friends were mad at me for leaving. now they are pretty much writing me off and im devastated. i know im an addict who needs help, but i am terified of not using. i feel like i cant make it through the day unless i know im gonna smoke pot or drink or at least be able to take my klonopin....which i do sometimes misuse. has anyone been at this point????? thanks, emilie
Emilie, It sounds to me like you are getting ready. Dope didn't work for me anymore, for quite a while before I finally saw the light and went to treatment . Since you have been around the program for a while you have surely heard all of the cliches; "keep it simple, one day at a time, alcohol is a drug, change your people places and things, {and most importantly}, keep coming back!" This stuff doesn't become a cliche because it's BS, it is repeated because it works. How do you know when you have hit your bottom? Simple: When you finally get tired of digging. By the time I cleaned up my life was a slow motion train wreck, just slow enough to agonize over all of the details and to understand how much it was going to hurt when it was finally over. I used to control the emotion I did not want to feel, and finally the dope quit working, it didn't matter how much or what I used, I only felt worse. It felt like I had lost my best friend. I think every one of us understands the fear of living without being loaded. As for myself the fear was present because there were many other facets of my life that I didn't want to face, they were too ugly and painful, or so I thought. I believe that dope is simply the most obvious symptom of the disease we call addiction. Some other symptoms: Fear, avoidance, isolation, despair, and a sense of hopelessness. In short By the time I cleaned up I was completely spiritually, emotionally, and morally bankrupt. For me it has not been as hard to look at the other parts of my life that I had feared dealing with for so long, as it was to go ahead and dig the crap out of my head, go ahead and feel all of the pent up emotion associated with them, and begin to heal. Being clean is much simpler and more pleasent than the way I used to live. Yes digging out the other stuff hurt for a while, but now it is far away, a memory not a controlling factor in my life. NA has saved many HOPELESS dope fiends, who found hope when they finally hurt enough to know they couldn't live that way anymore.
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
I Live in southern ocean county NJ....where do you live. I was just curious. Keep coming!! Dont pick it up and you wont get high. Dont use no matter what. You can do this!! I believe in you. I love you. Email me if you want. I mean if you do live close to me, I could even meet you at a meeting sometime
Danielle
PS Just a day at a time!!
-- Edited by Danyell at 02:38, 2006-01-21
-- Edited by Danyell at 02:40, 2006-01-21
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Danielle 10-14-04
"Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise"
