I have posted in a couple places but thought it is best to get advice directly from those in my wife's shoes. Starting beginning of 2012 my wife and I had problems. She claimed she wasnt happy and didn't know what to do. that she was not in love with me anymore and wanted me to move out. In july hoewver she agreed to try to work on things. However, around that time, she began using heavily (so of course, she never was able to commit to working on us). The whole time I had suspicions of use, but could not prove. Finally, in July of this year, I find meth. Turns out she was doing coke the whole time until June when she tried meth. We had an intervention she went to 30 day treatment and got home 2 weeks ago.
She comes home late almost every night. I believe she is clean. That is why I am now worried she is cheating. She swears nothing is going on and that as part of her recovery she has to be honest or she will relapse. She claims that she is still unhappy (like she was last year) and doesn't want to live like she did before. I start questioning her as to her wherabouts at night and she says she is going to meetings. They start at 8 and she doesn't get home til 11 or 12 sometimes. This is 5 days a week. She claims she goes to sponsor's house to work stuff out and talk, sometimes gets coffee and talks, etc. That she is not doing anything wrong and there is no other guy.
Is this plausible? Is it normal for people serious about recovery to spend so much time with sponsors and talking for a few hours after a meeting. I have decided to let go and give her space and time to figure out her thoughts and emotions as I'm sure this is very difficult for her. I figured if I question her or get mad, this will only push her farther away. I am being supportive of her attending meetings.
Any thought at all are greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
-- Edited by flhubby on Tuesday 24th of September 2013 03:56:18 PM
hello and WELCOME to MIP! I am an addict named Mike....
It sounds as if you have some trying situations to work out,relationship wise and also understanding tenets of some of those in recovery.I could suggest Nar-anon www.naranon.org/A program where you can share and identify with others just like you and learn some things about you and how to live your life with one in either addiction or recovery...I cannot say whether the time you wife spends at and after meetings is appropriate or not. From a relationship viewpoint I may also be anxio-us .As addicts first coming into recovery WE may tend to go "all in" Have you also tried Marital counselling? As addicts WE usually tend to be obsessive/compulsive people and being confronted with your fears and anxieties may even draw a further wedge,,Dr.Phil Im not but I have been thru 3 marriages and divorces and know how the mistrust and signals sometimes make us crazy...(keep it on me here) Anyway her a little something I have shared at different meetings at different times .It is about RECOVERY AT HOME....
I TALK ABOUT DOING GREAT IN RECOVERY ,MEETINGS EVERYDAY,WEEKENDS AND EVENINGS WITH FRIENDS AND WORKSHOPS AND SHARING ETC. In the meantime things falling apart at home.(my own identification)Why doesn't my family understand my progress,aren't they glad im not using etc...But it is evident our families will not appreciate the change NA is working lives if we don't show them If we are always rushing off to meetings etc and ignoring the needs of others and our families are WE really practicing the spiritual principles of our program in all areas of our lives???I had a lot of reflecting to do......The spiritual life of recovery is more than a theory we have to also live it at home...It ends with me understanding I must also take my recovery home if it is to be valid..I could only suggest honest communication,share your feelings and work toward a solution.As addicts we work in the SOLUTION' every day ,to the best of our abilities....I will lift you up in support and prayer...Sometimes the best help we can do for our addicts is to get help for ourselves...I can identify and know how trying the situation can be from both sides of the coin as I also have a 27 year old son in recovery from 7 years of heroin addiction,that tested our faith and my own recovery by application and trust in our God and our program to continue moving forward... I truly wish you peace nar-anon.org/ www.nar-anon.org/
-- Edited by MIKEF on Tuesday 24th of September 2013 06:49:02 PM
-- Edited by MIKEF on Tuesday 24th of September 2013 08:59:54 PM
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hello Mike. Thank you so much for replying. I am struggling with this a lot. My wife is full on with her recovery, almost as it is her new addiction. I go back and forth about whether to believe she is with NA people after meetings or cheating. Her late nights are the only evidence I have (other than we are having problems generally which have been going on a while). I have been to a couple naranon online meetings and posted there also. I'm trying to let her be and maybe she will come around. It's almost like she blames me for her addiction yet I'm the one who organized the intervention. Yet she does nice things like invited me to a couple meetings and shares some dark stuff about her thoughts while in the depths of her addiction (this should mean there is some level of caring, right?). Maybe she is dealing with a lot of emotions and just can't process everything and is trying to figure where I might fit in to her clean life. I will ride out my hands of approach for now as hard as it is. i will continue giving her space. Thanks.
Yes obsessive/compulsive behaviors are parts of many addicts behaviors,including my own..Glad your trying some meetings for yourself.....I can only suggest sharing your honest feelings trying to hold back and judgemental or 'questioning techniques" I have definitely been there and it just drew a further wedge...WE first get clean of the substance as addicts and then our work begins learning to find a power greater than ourselves to trust in ,making decisions to turn our will and lives over to the care of that Powerand then do some inside work with personal inventories and admission..We continue to be ready to remove our character defects and shortcomings and ask our HP to help us here.We list and seek to find all those we had harmed and make our best effort to make whatever amends we can and then we daily look at our journey each day,seeking a better understanding of whatever HP we chose and then we seek to help other addicts and practice all we have and are learning and applying the principles in all areas of our lives....,so its a daily journey that can definitely seem overwhelming to others on the outside.Take care of yourself,be honest and I will continue to keep you in prayer and support..I do wish you both peace and serenity....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Sounds like what I did early in my recovery. Along with this change in habit, one would expect to see a change in her attitude. Is she changing?
When I got clean and sober, I was single. My parents asked me what they could do to help. I suggested they could go to Al-anon or Nar-anon to learn what they did to enable me in my using whether or not they were aware of it. I acknowledged that I believed they always had the best in mind for me, but that I needed help with the family dynamics.
Perhaps you could also go to some meetings - sometimes they have NA and Nar-anon meetings at the same place and times, just in different rooms.
H.U.G.S.! = Hoping UGet Serenity!
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Health, help, healing and hope,
John E.
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Try Naranon for you you will learn more about her going to meetings and talking with sponsor after meetings . I used to go have coffee with my sponsor after the meeting every night , talk for hours sometime .
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