I am an addict. I have a history of self medicating because I cannot deal with my own negative feelings. My most recent drug of choice was pain killers. I lost my job because of this and have been arrested. I am an Iraq war veteran and may loose my 19 years of military service. I have 3 boys and I do not know if they will end of hating me. I am not using although I easily could. I self reported in June of this year to IPN which is a company contracted by the Florida Department of Health for nurses. I have been through their hoops and evaluations and told I need to go to inpatient rehab. I was given 3 choices and only one takes Tricare but I was told if I was not actively using or not suicidal my insurance will not pay. My husband has been unemployed since December of last year. We are bleeding our family dry to pay the bills and keep a roof over our kids head. I had to take a job 2.5 hours away from my home through the military to make 1/2 of what I was making before but at least it is some income. Unfornately over the last 3 weeks I injured my shoulder and have a labral tear. For the first time in my life I have daily pain. I was told it does not require surgery at this time. I am only taking motrin and ultram and am getting physical therapy. In the meantime, the IPN will not wait forever. I have gotten them to allow me to use my VA benefits and found a VA hospital which has no wait for females for residential care. They are in the process of reviewing my file. I am also under investigation by the Florida Department of Health and there will be a civil suit possibly in addition to the criminal charges (10 counts of prescription fraud). I have an attorney and my husband is an attorney. He states that I should get adjudication with-held because I am a first time offender and I am in IPN with intentions of going to in-patient rehab. The problem is I cannot go to rehab until I hear back from the VA and until my shoulder is better. I am in severe pain and I do not know how I would be able to participate in a rehab that takes away all pain medication. Ironic huh? The clock is ticking and I am scared. I made horrible choices and could have never possibly predicted the domino effect that this would have on my life and the lives of those around me. I am an educated woman, a professional, a combat veteran and a mother of 3 boys. I risked it all over a few hours of feeling numb from the effects of pills. My husband is still without a job and eventually my family and his will run out of money. I sometimes feel as though there is no hope but other times I feel that we might get out of this if he could get a job. I know I am supposed to focus on my recovery and getting better but I cannot ignore all the other thing going on around me. Since I cannot go to rehab I have been doing as much education on my own as I possibly can and came across this board. I also intend to start going to meetings as I know this is essential but I will admit it is hard. I need to be around other people who might understand how someone could do this because I know my husband struggles with it every day but by the grace of God he is willing to stay with me. I want my life back again. I want to be a mom to my sons. I miss them. I wish I could see the light at the end of this tunnel that I created but it is so dim. I need help. Thank you for listening.
Hi Sam, and welcome.
Your story is very painful, but it is not unique.
Many of us sought recovery following an arrest.
I did.
As bleak as everything looks right now there is one thing I know for certain.
Using will make it worse.
You made a decision to stop using drugs. Good for you.
But getting off drugs, and staying off drugs are two different animals.
I could not have done it without the help on Narcotics Anonymous.
I encourage you to attend a few different meetings. Introduce yourself to some of the women,
and ask for help. I know of several nurses in the program...Two of whom had lost thier licenses but by
staying clean and 'jumping through hoops" they each got their licenses back and are working full time.
There absolutely is a better life in store for you. But it all starts with not using.
Thanks for sharing your story, and keep coming back.
Very powerful story , but it sounds like you want to stop using . Go to meetings talk to the women , like avid said there are nurses in the program who lost there licenses and now have got them back and are working . I know two nurses that had that happen . Keep trying go to meeting , you can do it .
Thank you all for the replies. I have good days/moments and bad. I do know from experience (my husband ironically enough worked at DOH prosecuting paramedics that were diverting drugs) that many health care providers get a "second chance" in Florida and I most likely will not loose my license however at this point I could care less if I practice again. However, I am slotted as a nurse in the Florida Guard so therefore I do need to keep my license clear and active. I am just frustrated with the way things are right now. I wish the shoulder would heal up and I can get into rehab through the VA soon. As long as I follow the terms of my IPN contract and probation I should be OK. In a way I am glad this happened because it caused me to hit rock bottom (albeit at the expense of my family) and realize that I am an addict and have been for a long time. I know now that I need help and cannot do this alone. I am continuing to remain sober but even with all I have been through there are times when the drugs call my name- times I want to forget. I am learning to deal with my feelings instead of burying them. I appreciate all the kind words. I will continue to come back and have printed a list of meetings in the area. I plan to start going this week. Thanks again!
Welcome to NA Sam getting a sponsor and working the steps brings relief ... have you been to any meetings since your last post ? Lives change for the WAY better in this program! Thank you for your service to this country that we love <3
getting a sponsor and working the steps brings relief ... have you been to any meetings since your last post ? Lives change for the WAY better in this program! Thank you for your service to this country that we love <3
