ive been clean for about 3 months. recovery was really inspiring me. i started feeling better about my HP. i relapsed last thursday and again yesterday. it was amazing. it was shit. i cant even begin to explain. im contemplating going back. i dont know what to do. i cant handle it anymore. my friends only support me when i use. its awful. i feel lonely and scared. i learned from it but i can feel im gradually getting back. its tough. im scared. im so grateful for Na. i need more connection with it. i need to realize my thoughts are the same even when im clean. that i only need to discover how to reach them in recovery. because when im high its so amazing how all my thoughts come to me so easily. the rush. i need help.
Breathe, I do not know how it is where you are, but here we collect phone numbers from others in our meetings. I have learned that I can not stay clean without contact with others who are in recovery. At about six months clean a lady who has become a dear friend said in a meeting that "Addiction is a disease of perspective!" That really makes sense to me, and reaffirms my need to talk with others in recovery, so my warped perspective of life does not control me. Often the way I see things is warped, and it is only through the help of others that I can see reality, instead of the way I percieve things to be. It is intimidating to pick up the phone and ask for help, or just to talk about recovery, but we need to forge the bonds with other clean people. I understand the problem of hanging out with old friends, and the need to fit in. It hurts, but sometimes we need to evaluate who we are friends with and why we hang out with them. Out of all my old friends only one couple turned out to be true, supportive friends. After I cleaned up they would not even drink in front of me for about 4 years! They never asked me to use with them, offered no temptation, and once when I said something about missing being high, they pointed out how much happier that I seemed to be clean. Friends show love, respect and support! I have made a whole new set of friends in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, and now I don't miss the "friends" who would steal your dope and then help you look for it! I never understood what real friendship was until I came into recovery. Find a face to face meeting, find a sponsor, even if the sponsor will only be temporary, and act as if you know them well enough to share what is bothering you. Fear of rejection keeps many people from finding recovery, because they are afraid that a sponsor will not accept them for who they are. Find someone whose recovery you admire, ask them to sponsor you, talk to them and work the steps. HONESTY is the beginning of recovery, OPENMINDEDNESS to new ways of life makes recovery possible, and WILLINGNESS to try the new way starts you on the journey. You are a miricle waiting to happen, don't sell yourself short!
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
Hey there breath I know it can be tough some times. But if you do what Lon said in his reply . it will make things much easier.I know this computer is A great tool but it sounds to me like you need to get your ass in a meeting & find & find a sponser .I am not talking about just going &getting a number but finding: someone you will actually call.
And as far as those so called freinds you said only supported you when you were using I would drop them like a bad habit I know from experience. People like that are not your freinds!!!! I will keep you in my prayers &
the only requirement is a desire to stop using !!!!
so as long as thst there,, can anyone take it away from you ???
addicts like me had to go a long way in addiction to get clean and stay in recovery !!!
others did not have to do tha much to get recovery !!!
so, just for today,, keep coming back no matter what !!
and if you so please to choose someone on this site as a on eon one sponsor,, so be it,,, but the important thing is it needs to work...
And last but not least,,, geting and staying clean will ultimately depend on your desire to do so,, aided and suppotred by Higher Power and you need to remember that choice is totally yours and without any catches !!!
Best of Recovery the NA WAY to you,,, warmest cyber hugs !!!
ramn an addict
clean and serene just for today the NA WAY !!!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
oh my god i totally understand where you r coming from. i have been in like a relapse for 3 months....i cannot comprehend that i cant use for the rest of my life.....i know they say one day at a time but i always make it complicated. i am so tired of using people , my friends are writing me off, my husband is close to writing me off, and i still wont stop. it scares the shit oughta me to think of stopping....i need help......hang in there and i will try to too. emi77
Emilie-keep it simple!! Most of us can do for one day what we cannot comprehend for a long time. If just for today is too long, then try just for the next 5 minutes or hour or whatever. I know that it is not easy!! It IS possible. While using I am powerless over the disease which would obviously tell me that I couldn't stop. i had recovery and then relapsed (not on my drug of choice either) and couldn't even remember what it was like to be clean or how I did it. While using, I sat in amazement wondering just how on earth I didnt use for 7 months. It goes to show me #1 it really doesn't matter what I use the end results are the same and #2 The disease is SOOOO Powerful and soo cunning. #3 it wanted me dead!! Bottom line is if you have the desire try to get to a meeting and pray for willingness (if you believe in HP) HP is more powerful than the disease. {{{{HUGS}}}} I belive in you. Our message is that "an addict, ANY addict can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live" That includes you! Keep coming...we need you.
Love Danielle
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Danielle 10-14-04
"Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise"
the posts in this thread have really touched me. thanks for all your replies. emi- since i last posted, ive used perhaps twice. wow. it seems like a lot more. but the point is, that the days i havent used i was so grateful for being clean and hoped to stay clean just a day at a time and to carry on with the wonderful gift of reovery. this changed though when i got the chance to use again. this chance usually came when i talked to my using friends who made me want to use. i wanted to use. i wanted to feel good. the last two times i used i didnt even get high, because i didnt do it enough, i was trying to control it or what not.. this is what i mean by gradually going back. i am fooling myself by not going out and getting my own shit the first time but i know deep inside that i will be there soon if i dont have that previous strength in me to say "no, this is who i am. and i dont use."
i guess it just feels better to be that person who does use. last night i was in a situation where i expected to get some and coudnt find any. i was in that desperate, will do anything to get a hit thing with a couple of friends. i went home dissapointed and depressed and thought of any place i would have had an emergency fix. i didnt. and i didnt know whether i was happy being clean or whether i was so frustrated with it that it was eating me alive. this is the power of addiction. this is what i cannot explain when i am using. yesterday i also went to my first meeting- it was AA, since i couldnt schedule to go to an NA meeting, but it didnt matter, i went, i was welcomed by friendly faces, friendly faces with a confused uncomfortable look when they werent looking at me.. i felt connected to this group of faces . i have a face of this group too. i shared at this meeting, it felt so good to be among addicts. i was told of a meeting tonight. now i am contemplating whether i want to go to this meeting or if i want to go with my friends and use.
i wish i could do both. and perhaps i will. it makes me sad to know i cant stop anymore. i cant go out without using anymore. i did it before, i dont know how. i completely understand what Danyell was saying and i agree.. this disease is so pwerful you forget everything you spend so much time and effort on creating.. only to use again. and its different because now when i use, im aware of all the shit about addiction. i cant fully enjoy it. i just wish i didnt have to use anymore. and i know im continuing cuz im getting away with it. it makes me sad.
emi- i know how you mean about not being able to comprehend that you can either use and never be able to stop, go down to hell in a miserable life of constant using, or you can chosoe to never use again, live a healthy incredible life, but never get that high again. that freaked me out for the longest time during the beggining of my recovery. . i realized however that it is all part of the first step- admitting powerlessness over the disease of addiction and admitting that you are an addict. this is who you are. this is who we are. and unless youre willing to accept that, you wont be able to accept much else that comes with it. we addicts are all afraid of who we are without drugs. we're afraid of love, of kinship, of happinness, because we think we are people who will never experience that. we think we are different . and we think whoever does have and enjoy a life of happiness is fake or absurd. we think we are different than normal people and what gives us the right to be different is that drug which we carry. that power it gives us. to simply walk aaway, say "fuck you " to everyone and use. we think we are stronger because we've been through so much shit. but we never stop to realize that all that "shit" is only created by ourselves, that all that shit only makes us miserable, and in fact only makes us stronger to keep using, but never to face reality, never to live life.
so anyway i realized that its all about inventory, about getting to know yourself and realizing that you are not someone who can go out and use casually or socially or occasionaly and be fine with managing life. you are a person who will go out and use and never stop and damage your life to the point where it is unbelievably hard to recover from. i think its easier to accept that we are addicts when we are among fellow addicts. because then it doesnt seem so crazy. and this one day at a time thing really works. now i feel stupid because this is all coming to me now an mmaking perfect sense, like the meeting yesterday. and then i go and use. i hope i can make some na or AA friends tonight so i can go out with them and not have to use. i dont know. i hope this post helped someone and sorry it was so long!
Breathe-- You DON'T HAVE to use anymore. As soon as you have a day clean, you are given the freedon of choice. Something you do not have while actively using. Using wasn't fun for me for a long time!! I always thought it would be better and I was always disappointed. So I continued to use more....always chasing that perfect high. It never came. Once I took such a big hit that I fell out and my heart hurt. I was probably close to ODing and the insanity is I chased THAT hit for rest of my using---The one that almost killed me. In my mind it was the "best" one. This isn't about just having a good time for us addicts. Its about DEATH!! Good times do not exist past a certain point. Its the disease telling you that it was good. Now when i think about using, I play the whole tape. {The wanting more, the desperation, the crawling around on the floors for hours, the not being able to look up, the paranoia......Then I imagine that I died (cause I know many addicts that died and it WILL happen if I continue) I wonder what my parents or husband would dress me in. then I imagine that my children haven't seen me in 3 days. Finally they see me, laying down. They get excited to see me cause they miss me, but they think Im sleeping (the oldest is 5 so they don;t understand) So they say wake-up mommy, wake up!! But I don't cause Im dead. Then someone has to explain this to them. That I am never coming back. They will never see me again. They will have to learn how to be women without me. I will miss EVERY milestone.}
Sorry for being so graphic, but that is my reality and that image keeps me clean some days when I feel like throwing in the towel. using is a choice of life or death. Today I choose to live. Honestly, I could never imagine not using again for a long time!! It took many just for todays to truly mean that Just for today I NEVER want to use again, So dont stress out about how you wont use again. Take it a day at a time. Keep coming. If you stay clean long enough the obsession will get lifted. I had no idea what fun was. I thouhgt straight people were dorks. I had no idea what to do for "fun" when I got clean. Thank god our ideas of fun change. Tonight I had "family game night" (i would have thought that was so cheesy) My 2 girls and my husband and myself palyed candyland and guess who and ate snacks. We had a blast...We got to a point where we were all laughing so hard that we couldn't breathe. Being clean has afforded me this moment. NA has afforeded me a life and I am an asset to my family. I am a mom today.
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Danielle 10-14-04
"Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise"
wow danyell, thank you so much for your post. for the reality. i know the gift of recovery, ive had it. i know how you mean with the ideas of fun too. i always thought spending time with my family was torture and i never did it. in my recovery i found myself getting up from my bed, my tv, whatever to go and spend time with my family. i missed them. i wanted to be around them. i wanted to be around them. sometimes it was loud, sometimes they fought. but i was a part of it. and i had the choice to leave if wanted. and i was always welcome back. fearless. during my first relapse i see the difference very clearly. i came home wasted, ran straight to my room. that’s when i realized things had changed. that for a while i had been going straight to the family to chat or what not. not running form my guilt and hiding all of my weaknesses. i felt guilty that night. lying, manipulating, pretending i was a different person, abusing their trust, running form responsibility.
and now i ask myself how ive let this continue. this disease . im not in denial. im glad that i still can say i am an addict and that i can tell people look, im going down the wrong path, i know i cant control it. ill have one, but i wont stop. i cant stop. i can try to stop or keep it low, but im only manipulating myself, im only getting there on a different path. or perhaps the same exact path which i don’t remember since my "beginning" using days are only a blur.
i went to my second meeting yesterday. i met a lot of nice people. i felt great. i had used earlier that day.. i wasn’t exactly high at the meeting, but i did have a certain guilt about not being completely sober. i was afraid my eyes would be red. I was proud that i didn’t go there wasted. the only reason i didnt though was because i didn’t have my own shit. and my friend wanted to save his after we had some. this is sick. its ridiculous. and hte meting was great. i heard so many stories that enlightened me. heard so many familiar tensions, i felt involved, i felt understood. after the meeting i continued with my original plan to go out . meet friends as accepted. it was pretty boring at first. I ordered a drink right away. towards the end i had lost track of time was an hour late home almost got completely fucked, was drunk and all over th place, felt great.
this morning was shit. i wont start more about this. i woke up though and started reading literature from the meeting. i even considered going to the 9:00 morning meeting, but i missed it as the thought approached me. right now i am typing up a wonderful poem i got form the meeting. i would like to share it i don’t know if its a n NA thing too but i will include it nonetheless.
The Man In The Glass
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT man has to say.
For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Who judgement upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think you’re a straight –shootin’ chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you right up to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
I would suggest going to NA. 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, read the literature, pray to a Higher Power and NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS...DON'T USE. Also, it is suggested we not hang around old people, playgrounds that are going to be a deterrent to our sobriety. This is a disease. There is an insanity that precedes the first drink or drug. There will be times that the only thing between us and a drug or drink is a Higher Power. We cannot WILL this away. The reason this is a disease is because it is said that we cannot remember with sufficent force the pain we experienced from just a week or day ago from our using. We have to find a Higher Power that works when all else fails.
