Before coming to the Fellowship of N.A., we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problem. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own terms.
Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Most of us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us. Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous.
After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.
We are addicts seeking recovery. We used drugs to cover up our feelings, and did whatever was necessary to get them. Many of us woke up sick, unable to make it to work, or went to work loaded. Many of us stole to support our habit. We hurt the ones we loved. We did all these things and told ourselves, "We can handle it". We were looking for a way out. We couldn't face life on its own terms. In the beginning, using was fun. For us it became a habit and finally was necessary for survival. The progression of the disease was not apparent to us. We continued on the path of destruction, unaware of where it was leading us. We were addicts and did not know it. Through drugs we tried to avoid reality, pain and misery. When the drugs wore off, we realized that we still had the same problems and that they were becoming worse. We sought relief by using again and again - more drugs, more often.
We sought help and found none. Often doctors didn't understand our dilemma; they tried to help by giving us medication. Our husbands, wives and loved ones gave us what they had and drained themselves in the hope that we would stop using or get better. We tried substituting one drug for another, but this only prolonged our pain. We tried limiting our usage to "social" amounts without success. There is no such thing as a "social addict". Some of us sought an answer through churches, religions or cultism. Some sought a cure by geographic change, blaming our surroundings and living situations for our problems. This attempt only gave us a chance to take advantage of new people. Some of us sought approval through sex or change of friends. This approval- seeking carried us further into our addiction. Some of us tried marriage, divorce or desertion. Regardless of what we tried, we could not escape from our disease.
We reached a point in our lives where we felt like a lost cause. Our worth to our jobs, families and friends was little or none. Many of us were unemployed and unemployable. Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar. We didn't know what to do. As the self-loathing grew, we needed to use more and more to mask our feelings. We were sick and tired of pain and trouble. We were frightened and ran from the fear. No matter how far we ran, we always carried the fear with us. We were hopeless, useless and lost. Failure had become our way of life and self-esteem was nonexistent. Perhaps the most painful of all was the desperation of loneliness. Isolation and the denial of our addiction kept us moving along this downhill path. Any hope of getting better disappeared. Helplessness, emptiness and fear became our way of life. We were complete failures. Personality change was what we really needed. Change from self-destructive patterns of life became necessary. When we lied, cheated or stole, we degraded ourselves in our own eyes. We had had enough of self-destruction. We experienced how powerless we really are. When nothing relieved our paranoia and fear, we hit bottom and became ready to ask for help.
We were searching for an answer when we reached out and found Narcotics Anonymous. We came to our first N.A. meeting in defeat and didn't know what to expect. After sitting in a meeting, or several meetings, we began to feel that people cared and were willing to help. Although our minds told us we would never make it, the people in the Fellowship gave us hope by insisting we could recover. We found that no matter what our past thoughts or actions were, others had felt and done the same. Surrounded by fellow addicts, we realized that we were not alone. Recovery is what happens in our meetings; each of our lives is at stake. We found that by putting recovery first, the Program works.
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What part of this reading do you relate to, can you identify yourself in its words? Share with us Why you came to NA and what you found when you got here... and where it has taken you since. Your replies are valuable to the newcomer.
Some have written bio's which address just that. Some rather lengthy and not even completed yet (like mine.) In NA I've always followed and emulated those who walk the talk.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I knew I had some kind of drug problem but I wasn't sure was wrong. I knew my life sucked and I was ready to try a different way. I came to my first NA meeting and began to relate to the experiences people were sharing. I realized that I, too, was an addict and couldn't stop using drugs on my own power. I began to find a power that could help me in those meetings, and my life has gotten steadily better without drugs.
"We used drugs to cover up our feelings, and did whatever was necessary to get them. Many of us woke up sick, unable to make it to work, or went to work loaded. Many of us stole to support our habit. We hurt the ones we loved. We did all these things and told ourselves, "We can handle it". We were looking for a way out. We couldn't face life on its own terms. In the beginning, using was fun. For us it became a habit and finally was necessary for survival. The progression of the disease was not apparent to us. We continued on the path of destruction, unaware of where it was leading us. We were addicts and did not know it. Through drugs we tried to avoid reality, pain and misery. When the drugs wore off, we realized that we still had the same problems and that they were becoming worse. We sought relief by using again and again - more drugs, more often." ...
"We reached a point in our lives where we felt like a lost cause. Our worth to our jobs, families and friends was little or none. Many of us were unemployed and unemployable. Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar. We didn't know what to do. As the self-loathing grew, we needed to use more and more to mask our feelings. We were sick and tired of pain and trouble..."
"We were searching for an answer when we reached out and found Narcotics Anonymous."
if this is all that was said in this reading, it would describe me to a T. I felt so lost, so much pain, the fun was gone and now, it was just about not getting sick. I couldn't visualize life continuing the way it was, but I couldn't visualize life any different either. My addiction progressed and I turned into a ghost in my own world, sometimes I would show up, but I always disappeared again. I finally had a moment of clarity and knew I was in trouble. I could not stop even when I wanted to, and if I did, I could not stay stopped. At my first NA meeting I sat there and cried, silently. The tears just rolled. I knew I was losing my best friend, the only real companion I had had in several years, and I knew that the people in NA had a real solution. The tears were for both. They were from the fear and shame that swept over me, and the gratitude and hopefulness that matched it. I am here because I am a addict that never wants to return to active addiction, and to avoid that, I must, but more importantly now is I want to live the NA way.
"We did many people great harm but most of all we harmed ourselves"
Yep. I remember hating myself. It was so bad that in the morning, when the sun would shine through my window and I could hear the birds chirping, I would reach for the drug on my nightstand, take it and pull the covers over my head. The thought of living another day being ME was hateful. I dreaded facing another day. That is long gone now. I found a spiritual awakening by working the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous. My life today is characterized by peace, harmony, and love, I have found serenity by following some basic suggestions of the program and through daily conscious contact with the God of my understanding.
Before coming to the Fellowship of N.A., we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problem. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own terms.
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My journey was a little different, I attended meetings early on for a few years and had a sponsor from our parent fellowship.When he died 3 years later I dropped away and just remained abstinent for many years.But most importantly not in RECOVERY' .My life was falling apart,I was clean but had no application of spiritual principles in my life and came crawling back to the rooms,got a sponsor ,worked the Steps over and over and really learned a new way to live. WE really do find that our illness is physical.mental and spiritual.Based on my own evidence,the healing began by putting down all the substances but recovery began with application of our SOLUTION,the Steps,worked with a sponsor and applied in all areas of our lives guided by a Power greater than our disease, loving and carin,defintely not us.My bottom again came through disinergration of my life,though clean but not working recovery a day at a time.Just for Today,I continue to be guided by my HP in all things to the best of my ability,give back what was given to me and DO NOT PICK UP NO MATTER WHAT! The adage of being addicted before our first drug is very evident in my life ,I always used,whether it was people,places or things I am an addict and Mike was my problem!!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I came into the fellowship by accident (or so I thought until my understanding got better). Active addict from the age of 9, near 35 years later I finally lost my ability to crawl back from the edge, straighten myself out and carry on.
I was suspicious in the extreme the first time I read our BT. All I remember thinking is how could these 'people' know so much about me! hahaha
Until I came into the NA programme living without drugs wasn't anything I'd ever given much thought too, never mind any serious thought. My belief was "this is my life". I've been described by 'addiction professionals' as a highly functional addict. I think they drew that conclusion because I worked a full-time job (to pay my bills) and a part-time job (drug money). BS I did what I had to do in order to cope with a world I still don't fit into much.
My sponsor said the only way for me to get out of the pit was to take the steps one at a time. then there was the talk about my wildest dreams. I for one never for a nanosecond believed I would be where I am 'today', enjoying the only promise made to me in those early days, freedom from active addiction.
I was also told early on, don't work my programme, don't work someone else's programme, don't work your programme, work the NA programme. so 'today' my programme is the NA programme, its all there right in our basic text, in our green and gold, in our daily meditation book, literature I haven't been without far from my hand since February 2000. I've found it covers all life on life's terms situations.
everything thats come after that has been a boon, a lesson, or sheer joy. Happy joyous and free, for years I've tried to find a verbal explanation for that particular feeling for newbies. haven't come up with one yet though. it seems its an indiscribable feeling, but when one experiences it, I think you know.
Everytime I read our BT I'm reminded of who I once was, who I am now, and who I can aspire to be. Its a damn good day to be clean!
