Oh its a dangerous place to be...Im just feeling sorry for myself. My molar finally broke and its really sad to me. I took such good care of my teeth before I started using, now I have no dental and cannot afford a dentist. I want to cry...actually I was sobbing before! I don't want to use I actually wouldn't mind dropping dead right now. Our financial situation stinks. I had to "borrow" money from my kids to make the rent (they are 5,3,1) Seriously, I wrote all the numbers down and it was like 85 from each kid, but I still feel bad. This was the same stuff that I used to do when I was using. Only I stole it for crack. I have been not smoking smoking cigarettes since the beginning of Dec. I had one on Christmas. I want to smoke though, but if I buy cigarettes, my husband treats me like garbage. He tells me what an A**hole I am and how Im taking food out of my kids mouths and whatever. I ask for nothing. He spend $50 week on who knows what (cause he makes his lunch) and I can't have cigarettes??? he's all self righteous cause he quit when he had 30 days clean--Well whoop de do. He's not me. He has no idea what its like to raise 3 kids. I have been hating him lately because he is such a SLOB!!! His tiny "defects" are making me not even want to be married (no, not that bad) I am saying to myself WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?? I know i am supposed to accept him and we've been together for 8 years now. Im jusyt so fed up. I feel like he's trying to control me with the smoking thing and maybe that is what I am so mad about. Either that or his piggish behavior is just like his mom who I HATE (sorry-ill work on that in later 4th steps) because I lived with her and she made me her MAID while I had 1 baby and another on the way. She's such a slob and I dislike her so much (for MANY reasons) that anything that reminds me of her I don't like either.
Okay okay well thank you for leting me vent. Im not usually one of those complaining all the time folks. Id rather talk about my husband and his mom on here where it won't hurt him. Our area is not the place for that. This is a harm reduction program. I am being proactive though....I went to a meeting, called my sponsor and network, prayed, and I did not use!! I have not written on my 4th step for a few days Hmmm......could be the problem
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Danielle 10-14-04
"Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise"
Danielle, Yes sometimes life sucks, it's part of being human. The wreckage of our past does not go away overnight, but it does recede over time if we do our part. I am going through some financial stress right now too, but keep the faith and pray about it. Things always will work out, but perhaps not the way we desire them to. (unrealistic expectations can kick our butt) As for dropping dead, I think we all have felt that way from time to time, again keep the faith, I have a coozy I found in the store a couple of years ago that I just had to have, it says, "God doesn't give me anything I cannot handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much!" Fits perfectly from time to time. The relationship stuff can kick our butts too, when I first started coming to meetings when we got to the part of the reading "How it Works" where it says 'there is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery' one or another smarta** in the back of the room would always holler "RELATIONSHIPS!" Might I suggest the ACA web board here on miricles in progress for a little illumination on the relationship issue? Attending NarAnon/AlAnon meetings in person might help too. It is no surprise that addicts have problems with relationship issues to me, we do not even understand how to have a healthy relationship with ourselves when we arrive here. Another suggestion, find a face to face sponsor who shows healthy relationship skills, and is willing to look at other issues. Glad you are here,
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
Thanks for the feedback!! I needed to vent and feel better now. I always say that about God too....only that I wish he didnt think so highly of me. My sponsor has 15 years clean and has been through the steps at least 4 times and this round of steps has focused on relationships for her so maybe she'll be able to teach me a thing or two. She is a "face to face" sponsor. This is my first dealings with Na online. Everything always work out, I just have to go through the feelings. It says "relationships CAN BE a terribly painful area....." That always makes me laugh, they are!! I try to keep the focus on myself and we keep our recoveryu separate as much as possible. Thats how it works for my marraige. Honestly, I believe that there is one disease and one program and NA will help me with the relationship stuff too. I mean the ultimate problem is myself so fixing me will help. Actually, situation may not get better but my reaction to it will. I do have faith though. I trust the program and fortunately we are both working one. Both on our 4th steps...........its rough sometimes.
__________________
Danielle 10-14-04
"Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise"
Danielle, The steps help, no doubt! I got into a hurting place between 1 1/2 & 2 years clean because of my relationship choices. It inspired me to seek a sponsor with much experience in relationship & Adult Children issues. Not strictly NA, but anything that gets me into places where I want to use or die IS directly related to my recovery! There is only one disease, and using drugs is just the most obvious symptom of this spiritual illness. Any port in a storm, and whatever solution it takes for me to stay clean. Gotta go to bed, up for work in 5 hours. Care for yourself and all else falls into place.
Lon
__________________
Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
Oh its a dangerous place to be...Im just feeling sorry for myself. My molar finally broke and its really sad to me. I took such good care of my teeth before I started using, now I have no dental and cannot afford a dentist. I want to cry...actually I was sobbing before! I don't want to use I actually wouldn't mind dropping dead right now. Our financial situation stinks. I had to "borrow" money from my kids to make the rent (they are 5,3,1) Seriously, I wrote all the numbers down and it was like 85 from each kid, but I still feel bad. This was the same stuff that I used to do when I was using. Only I stole it for crack. I have been not smoking smoking cigarettes since the beginning of Dec. I had one on Christmas. I want to smoke though, but if I buy cigarettes, my husband treats me like garbage. He tells me what an A**hole I am and how Im taking food out of my kids mouths and whatever. I ask for nothing. He spend $50 week on who knows what (cause he makes his lunch) and I can't have cigarettes??? he's all self righteous cause he quit when he had 30 days clean--Well whoop de do. He's not me. He has no idea what its like to raise 3 kids. I have been hating him lately because he is such a SLOB!!! His tiny "defects" are making me not even want to be married (no, not that bad) I am saying to myself WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?? I know i am supposed to accept him and we've been together for 8 years now. Im jusyt so fed up. I feel like he's trying to control me with the smoking thing and maybe that is what I am so mad about. Either that or his piggish behavior is just like his mom who I HATE (sorry-ill work on that in later 4th steps) because I lived with her and she made me her MAID while I had 1 baby and another on the way. She's such a slob and I dislike her so much (for MANY reasons) that anything that reminds me of her I don't like either.
