I'm in need of advice... I guess a little background is in need. I come from an alcoholic and pot smoking mother who passed away several years ago. I was married to a pot smoking husband, since divorced. I use to drink and smoke pot, quit both... I started attending Al-Anon last year and I sometimes have urges to drink but just can't go back to that again. I understand the addicted nature. With that being said here is where I need my advice. I am dating a 8 year RA who is not use to the loving, careing attention that I give. I truly love him and what nothing more then to just be there for him. I want him to share with me, whatever it is that's on him mind. He knows I do not hold any judgement, or at least I think he does. I know the 3 C's but feel as a partner this is the least I can do. I feel and sometimes know that he gets into these funks, I ask him whats going on an he always tells me very vague things like "life" or "we'll talk about it later" but never do. I would like advice on how to approache him on this without him feeling pressured or feel like I in any invading his privacy, or should I just let it go hoping he is doing what is best for him today?
Hi and welcome. I think Al anon is the right program for you. Sometimes we guys don't respond well do a direct approach when it concerns our feelings. by that I mean if someone says somethng like "What's the matter"? no matter how sincerely, our response is usually, "Nothing's wrong, i'm fine" We all get into these funks now and then. when dealing with someone in recovery it's always easy to fault the substance, but that may or may not be the case. I can only tell you that the approach that I respond best to, is when my significant other goes about her business in a seemingly normal way....Perhaps doing little things to show she cares but nothing overt. Best of luck to you.
I also am a memeber of Nar-Anon ,parent of a recovering 27 yr old heroin addict,I can identify from both sides of the coin.I also found what worked best for me was just offering that I am available if there is anything to talk about and then get on with Life.If its from the other side ,my wife knows when I need time to work out my sometimes on the moment insanities(oh yes those times still do occur here and there but with my God and our principles Iam able to navigate more clearly now....I remember when I married my present wife(married 3x) I was always used to confrontation,fighting,getting the answer now etc.She would just walk away,not engage and it would give me time to get in my own head and come around to communicate not 'gangbust" Would drive me crazy,one man battles didnt work for me :) To this day ,after 29 yrs of wonderful relationship and marriage.WE still don't engage in verbal altercations,she leaves me to work things out in my sometimes(oh yeah!!)ridiculous,need to know now,need to be right tirades that may pop up now and again. You have a relationship with the spiritual principles of our programs and we can always find guidance there thru our Higher Powers(whatever that may be for you)and application of the principles(3rd/11Step daily) among others.........//Anyway as you said,the 3 C's are always relevant and WE are responsible for our own recoveries,relationships also need nurturing,understanding and faith to grow...Have a blessed and productive day,,,,I will keep you in support and prayer..
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Thank you both!!! I believe I do just that. When he says " I'm just in a funk" "feeling blah" or whatever else he says that I know he's in his head to much, I ask if he want's to talk with a usual answer of no I just tell him "ok but remember I'm here when or if you do". I just always want the best for him without and for him to do what's best for him. Sometimes I just get to far into my own head and get scared of loosing him to his past habits of just leaving when he gets scared of having too much good he feels he doesn't deserve.
Sometimes I just get to far into my own head and get scared of loosing him to his past habits of just leaving when he gets scared of having too much good he feels he doesn't deserve.
I think you really nailed two of the big problems that addicts in recovery face.
first is that everytime we get in a 'mood' or something comes up that may cause stress, the people around us start walking on
eggshells. They have experience with us running to a drug and so they act all extra nice and such. Problem is it makes us feel
weak and helpless. Not a good thing.
The second is that, I sincerely believe most addicts feel unworthy of happiness and the good things in life. It may sound wrong, because
on the surface we always act as if we are entitled to everything. But I'm talking down deep.
We may hate the outcomes, but screwing up is easy and it's a hard habit to break. There is pressure on the newly recovering
addict to "do the next right thing"....We're not used to it.
I think you are probably doing the best you can in a difficult situation. I admire your willingness to be a sincere help rather than
an enabler or controller.
Just keep doing what you are doing and things will work out as they should.
