Its been a very rough 6 months or so, I found out after one more time of trying to be in a relationship with long time girlfriend that she married her second best boy friend HAH.
She wanted me to marry her, she had left him after being engaged to him to see if it would work with me, she did everything in her power to FORCE me to marry her, I had put up some BOUNDARIES that she didn't like and i new inside myself that she would fight me all the way, she did, I also new she would'NT cut the mustard, she forced her will on me like a tornado and I pushed back finally asked her to leave, 3 months later i see on facebook her name changed HAH i call her son and he comfirms....
I miss her, is that F'ing INSANITY???????????????????????????
I have been threw so much depression, regret and remorse, I do love her but feel I failed yet on the other hand i look at who i was trying to love and see such complications, then I say " keep it simple" and thats my answer I need simplier, not complicated, will pushing, demanding, selfishness, yet was , am I being selfish??? yes i think so but maybe for the right reasons, HAPPINESS.
VENTING HERE I have kept quiet long enough, i have got to " move on " from this place i've been, we all need love.
-- Edited by BigV on Wednesday 6th of March 2013 10:51:49 AM
-- Edited by BigV on Wednesday 6th of March 2013 10:52:49 AM
to add, im praying the prayer, health happiness and prosperity for her to relieve my resentments , i am praying for Gods will to be done, i am praying for acceptance since that is the key, i have done 10th step, i have done 4th step, 1st step, powerless over her and my feelings/emotions, i am human my missing her is loneliness and lust and missing that drama at times HAH, theres a lot and it gets confused in my head so thats what takes time sorting it out then letting God reveal to me what i need to see and then not using over the situation, yes it's an issue at times but not bad :)
glad you were able to share your pain and emotional rides through LIFE. I can only offer my prayers and support. I have founf through my own experience that even though WE may never see it or realize it,that the God of our understanding does have a plan for us...I have been married 3x(imagine that,who wouldn't want to live with me :)........Anyway was married at just 18,wife was pregnant,that was what you did in 1966(at least the ideas of my peers and family)Didn't know what love was,was an already using progressively getting worse a bonifide addict that definitely didn't help anything...I didn't want to be married,but didn't really know it..Years later married my second wife(really in the grip at this time)her parents and all the peers said we needed to be married rather than live together,so we got married against my better judgemen but went along for the ride that only last 5 months after living together for 2 years.Said I didnt act like a husband,,imagine that?? Still in the grip in 1980 met my now wife of 29 years in a bar.Through the 4 years before we got married in 84 I found out what real love was,wasn't just sexual,wasnt beauty it was from inside the heart.I knew that I was doomed to failure again if I couldnt get clean but it took that woman leaving me after giving me an ultimatum(that I always hated)6 months into that third marriage I came to on the floor of a farmhouse in New York and finally knew it was over ,after 25 years I could either continue on and die or find a new way to live ,with the woman I really loved.It had to come from inside me and it was a very dificult first few years,adjusting my lifestyle,drummer in a rock band,everyone I knew used and I was incorrigible to live with ,,you know that 'ALL ABOUT ME THING"...It sounds to me that you are looking deep inside,and know what work you do daily, guided by your Higher Power and I do believe in God's time God's will will be done..I know for this old hardhead that patience,waiting and trusting were never my top shelf character assets but as I look back on my jouney of LIFE I realize everything had its time and place.WE surrender those emotions of anger,fear,depression,anxiety each day with God's grace,try not to force the issues and truly more is revealed.I can identify,didnt mean to write a diatribe but through our association of addiction and recovery we love each other though we may be light years apart yet next to each other shaing similar pain and joy.Stay blessed and in God's grace brother,,continue instilling our 3rd/11th Steps as soon as your eyes are opened each day accompanied by our other tools and the Joy of love will grace your heart again.......Peace man....
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
There is always a mix of emotions following a breakup no matter how "right" it may be. My first wife cried when I told her I was getting re married even though it was she who wanted the divorce. You did what you did and now it's done. Allow yourself some grieving time, then get out there and start socializing. Very few of us find the 'perfect' soul mate. Most of us find something a little short of that, but y'know what? It's good enough. Glad you stopped by. Wishing you all health and happiness.
We need to let go with love and understanding Vin..... Best of luck mate.
The Third Step is the key. Moreover we are reminded that "relationships can be a terribly painful area because we tend to project and fantasize what will happen".
That said, there is no problem nor is there a pain that cannot be addressed through Meditation. Prayer-Meditation-Prayer, that's the Triangle of Healing and New Energy !
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thanks Mike that was special and thanks advid and ramon, wise words, God bless.
She's come back to me once again and I am not getting to caught up in her NEEDS and WANTS I have had to let her know where I am and what i will allow, I have had to be very honest with her in how i feel and things got thrown in my face like " You couldn't give me what she needed" and I had to admitt, YOUR RIGHT....leave it at that .
Sometimes we let others down and hurt them and all they want to do is reataliate, I have seen that occur a few times over, its human nature for us to want to get even I guess and at least I see that thing, and many others and more gets reveiled , i'm greatful I have at least a loving God and a loving family here and at home else where.
Take care guys, Gods Love and encouragement is here....
-- Edited by BigV on Wednesday 13th of March 2013 09:13:47 PM
