My intelligent, loving, wonderful boyfriend of over a year is an opiate addict. When we first starting dating, I knew he was in recovery and had spend some time in rehab in college. At the time, recovery was something I really respected and admired about him. I thought that it was something he had dealt with and didn't realize this would be an issue in our relationship.
About 3 months ago, I was promoted and my company relocated me to an awesome city across the country, all expenses paid, for a 1-year commitment. My BF was between jobs at the time and decided to move in with me in SF. I was excited to have someone to explore the city with, travel, etc and thought that us moving in together would be a fun experience. Little did I know what I was in for.
I don't know if it was the stress of job-searching in a new city, not knowing anyone, a lot of time together, or what, but I started to find out he was using again. I would find squares of foil with black stains around the apartment and knew he was using oxy. He would disappear for a couple of hours with little explanation. He started to received calls from random numbers within our near area code. He would nod off while we were in the middle of a conversation.
I've confronted him about him several times. I'm in contact with his parents on a weekly basis. (By the way, they are willing to be supportive in whatever way they need to be- both emotionally and financially). I made an appointment for suboxyone treatment for him and it seemed to go well (he had been on it before and thought it helped). He doesn't take the medication as the doctor advised. Keep in mind that that we live together, and share expenses (even though the rent is paid for, we "split" cable, utilities, groceries, etc), which is stressful for me. I can't help but think about things we could be doing if he wasn't wasting money on drugs.
I feel like I'm keeping secrets from our family and friends when I tell them things are going well here. Since I'm new to this city, it's been difficult to find support. I've been attending Al Anon meetings and have found great strength in these. It's easy for me to listen to the sayings, etc but a different story to make the difficult decisions. I know that he's still using (probably every day) and feel like the crazy girlfriend always checking in on him. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to spend my life upset and worrying about someone else.
I don't know what the answer is, but I know that what I'm doing now isn't working. All of the hassling, crying, drama, etc gets old for both of us. Sometimes he says that he wants to change, he knows it's not working, but fails to actually do anything about it on his own. When I've brought up in-patient treatment, he refuses and says that he thinks they're all money-traps.
I feel like I'm enabling him by letting him live in this apartment (which my company pays for). I've thought about kicking him out (and have threatened it several times), but know that challenges will come up since he's also on the lease.
I want to be able to enjoy this opportunity that I earned, without the stress of living with an addict. I'm at the age (25) where I want to make decisions that are best for ME. If we continue to be together, I can see it leading to marriage, children, etc and don't want addiction to be a part of my life forever.
Does anyone with some experience have any advice? I feel stuck and I could really use it. Really appreciate it.
-- Edited by letlive27 on Saturday 2nd of February 2013 11:13:05 AM
NA is about and for addicts seeking Recovery from addiction. You've already been attending Al Anon. Nar Anon is specifically for people dealing with addicts. As an addict in Recovery Clean for 32 years I'll tell you an addict will use until they can't, until the pain of using is worse than the imagined fear and pain of living without using. YOU cannot save him and enabling him only prolongs his hitting bottom and becoming willing to seek help. Hard Love is called that for a reason. Many moons ago my mother kicked me out of the trailer of theirs I was living in because of my using. Sure while still in full blown active addiction I blamed her for my living on the streets, then a condemned house, even a cave. But she had done the right Hard to do thing. Once into Recovery we developed a great relationship again before she passed.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I am an addict named Mike and a parent of a 27 year old son,a recovering heroin addict, in the grip since he was 17, in recovery now going on his 4th year.I am an active member of Narcotics Anonymous and Nar-Anon..During the 7 long years of my younger sons addiction I found my own recovery shaken and ended up in Nar-Anon wearing 2 hats a recovering addict and a parent of an active addict. As much as I knew from my own addiction and what it takes to not only get clean but learn to LIVE free of active addiction after I surrendered, I really struggled knowing what I needed to do with my son who took us to the depths of bankruptcy,once again more jails ,institutions,deriliction and death(he litterally stopeed breathing 2x from anaphalactic shock and had to be sent to intensive care(thousands of $$$) and we were responsible as his parents. Crying ourselves to sleep at night and fearing phone calls and living life on the edge left us only one choice.Something I knew from my own illness that we needed to do... At 90 lbs ,over $100 a day jones,we put him on the street knowing he would die,go to jail or get clean.It was the hardest thing ever WE have done,including my own story and the devastation of my life....WE were blessed to find out he was arrested for burglary ,CPS7(possession works and junk) and various other crimes where he got clean first time in jail. During his jail times it was some of the more peaeful periods we had as we knew where he was,probably wasn't gonna overdose or get shot etc)Nar-Anon was a program even though I also was active in NA that reminded me about the enabling we as parents and others do,how we didnt cause it,can't control it or cure it.The road was long and he still struggled for years until his last arrest and overdose.Al-Anon is very similar but is for alcoholics generally and WE suffer from addiction(includes alcohol and all drugs but also a physical,spritual and mental illness,a disease that manifests itself in all areas of our lives.WE begin our healing by putting down the drug but then we learn how to live clean a day at a time working our process of recovery....I know for our family it was important to set boundaries,but they had to be simple,clear and acted upon or they were meaningless..If you used in our home you must leave,if you steal from us again we will call the police,,,we will "detach with love' in order to salvage our own lives.. And we are pushovers,not really the typical hard love folks,but with our God's grace and mercy we all are pulling thru the storm a day at a time. We are renewing our relationship a day at a time and have always loved him just hated the disease just as those who were devastated by me thru my 25 years of active addiction from the age of 12.Didn't want to ramble but I truly identify and remember the programs are there to help you live your own life as thru the years I have seen many folks sicker than there addicts/acoholics come thru the rooms.....Addiction is a FAMILY disease..Always my suggestions are to pray,to instill our 3rd step into the actions and behaviors of your life, make the decisions,leave the results up to whatever Higher Power you have in your life.Continue to do some daily work and truly More is always revealed...In support and prayer...There is always HOPE,it is our message and a promise of freedom a day at a time not only for the addict but for all others so affected.....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
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