I hear you vin....the holidays are a depressing time for me as well. I really effe'd up good this year..... sigh....can't wait for a fresh start in a new year.
An addict like me, basically relates to events and objects and forms relationships with these. But recovery is based on relationships with people (Living Clean). So when the event is over, if not in recovery mode, there is a feeling of emptyness !
Ive been in many events in these past few days and now that Christmas is over, the come down is here. There was shows nearly everyday in December but 24 and 25th were the busiest days. 24th evening I was at a mall gig and then onto a jazz set with a great band at a restaurant. Then on 25th it was a solo for Christmas lunch in a restaurant in the afternoon (thankfully a very appreciative audience) Then upon my gf's request we sat in church, and spent a divine Moment together. By the evening I was back at the Mall. My petite fleur was with me all the while. 25th night we enjoyed a moonlight night together. What joy !!!
And this boxing days been a real come down. Instead of relaxing at home all day and evening, my restlessness drives me to act compulsively. gf had to go back to work as something urgent came up. I hardly spent time with my daughter or my mother due to depression and tiredness. Then in the evening I foolishly go and play a billiards match in the evening inspite of the Inner Voice giving me a caution signal. There wasan option for postponement and I should have taken it. I had no energy and i lost. Ive been very resentful of that result.
Later, I hitch a ride ( my muv's in the workshop with a dented door) to a private party and play flute and sax. Lots of applause and alppreciation from all there. But Im feeling depressed that my darlings not with me and resentful at the match outcome. These are the kind of times when I do not connect with my audience, especially as most of them are doing alcohol.
And after a hitch back home (25 miles), Im writing yall, in the hope that feelings shared are feelings understood !
The silver lining is that I made a bit of money, I am greatful. It's 4.30 early morning of Thursday, Ill sign off now, good night.
-- Edited by Raman on Wednesday 26th of December 2012 05:51:30 PM
-- Edited by Raman on Wednesday 26th of December 2012 06:00:35 PM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
