Hi all here at MIP.

My name is Raman and Im an addict. Clean and serene 25 years as of 21 December 2012. It is the Grace of God found in the 12 Step Program of our NA Fellowship. MIP has been a major stakeholder in my recovery, thanks.

Here is my story;

I was born in 1961,, a Taurean ! An Indian recovering addict, with an Universal outlook !
I live and work in the city of Bangalore in India !! Ive also lived, studied and worked for a time in Sheffield UK.
I am also a member of the NA Loner Groups Meeting by Mail and my home group here in town is Vis Group on of Hope.
I have one daughter and she is an NA baby and knows about my recovery,, I have told her all about NA and why Im here.
My mother is the only living witness to most of my life lived in using drugs and all of my recovery !!!
I have done the Steps and Traditions, have an NA sponsor (thanks Mike), sponsees and do NA Service work.
I play the saxophone and sing for a living. Sometimes I teach sax and music events management too.
I count Billiards, Snooker, walking and Yoga as my other pastimes.
God Bless u all and keep you in recovery the NA Way for the rest of your live. I believe that Meditation in the 12 Step Tradition of Narcotics Anonymous is my way of life and kind of life i like to lead for the rest of my life !!

I came into NA as a coincidence, which being me reading the "Basic Text" while I was in a treatment center. I had a long run with all sort of drugs and was really sick and tired of it all. I'd had many good times with drugs but as I went from one drug to another, I was going completely insane! Trouble, trouble and more trouble was the daily routine.

Im from a middle-class, professional background family of four from Bangalore in South India. My father gave me and my younger brother a good education upto high school. By then, my unmanageability had surfaced completely. It had first become evident when I had recurring nightmares and other sleep dis-turbances like sleep-walking. There was a six month wait for college to open after having passed out of high school. I had no idea what Id do with my life but my attraction to music gave me a clue.That is when I began to take music seriously and played with bands at events. Music gave me great release from unexplainable and unexpressed feelings and I was feeling very good about that. But it also got with it late, late nights, drugs and drinking buddies, sleeze people and doing things that I thought was real fun and slick. Some of those musicians I played with were very good but my mentor was a full blown addict and thief. I learnt a lot of addictive behaviours from him. For five years I had a great run.

Then a band I was playing with at that time got a few events in Goa, a very hippy and happening place, with beaches, chicks, music and drugs; heaven ?                  It was new Years time, I was drinking and hashing away to glory, playing music, getting good money and blowing it up and having a very good time. The world seemed perfect with all the drugs, girls, music and money around. When the contract got over my band went back but I decided to stay and had a blown out time until all my money ran out. Then the ugly side of my addiction became apparent. I made friends with a much elder woman from abroad and had lot of good times and drugs with her. I kept demanding she spend more and when she wouldnt I left in a huff and began selling some drugs. That carried me along for some more time !

Then one night the cops questioned me and I was afraid. When they did not get any proper answers they took me to the cop station and demanded I share some money with them. Then when I said I had no money they got rough. They wanted to know who my boss was, why they did not get their share etc. I had no answer to that, imagine a sort of innocent 19 year old musician getting into that. I was too artistic to know all that !! Things took an evil turn when they got out fat bamboo canes and began to hit me with it. Then I realized what was happening and tried to put up a fight. Three cops with bamboo canes against a weak and tripped out addict was great odds, but I continued to fight back. Things got real critical and I got desperate and screamed 

"Kill me, lets see". 

Then suddenly, they let me go. A crowd of people had gathered outside the cop-station and demanded they let me go,, and the cops had to. Thank God for the Flower people out there who took my side.

This incident hurt as hell for a long time and was a wonderful excuse to keep using. Dreams of getting close to one of the chicks I met and travel all over the world came to naught. I went back to my hometown and kept on playing music and doing more drugs. This is when I was introduced to opium and downers. It helped me to cope with the shame of not only that and previous incidents but also one's that followed where either my self-esteem, self-image or self-confidence was shaken.  

And then came the smack. This turned my world around completely and my life and thinking were totally centered in getting and using more and more smack. Slowly the music-jobs began to stop because I could not be relied upon to be on time or even turn up. More drugs and hippe connections saw me doing LSD. I was totally spaced out for a few months. Then the reality of my addiction got me back down. 

Then things got worse and I stayed home all day and night chasing smack and troubling my parents to support me. Then an uncle died of post-overdose delirium and my family was shocked. They decided I need to seek help and I went into a detoxification center in a major hospitals psychiatric ward. It was a lot of pain and confusion; later I was discharged but hadnt the faintest idea what I was supposed to do with my life. I had no idea whatsoever that I had to stay clean no matter what. Imagine a spaced out addict trying to stay clean on his own ? Old feelings came back and I found it difficult to cope. Sometime later I relapsed & after few instances of using other drugs, I went back to the drug of my choice,, smackie-baby. Using associates began to appear again and in no time at all there I was, back to sqaure one. Relying on good old brown sugar made meaning in life and I was glad to be back with my old friends. I had something to do now, not just lay in bed and agonize.

But trouble was in store. The initial euphoria died out. My legs got infected with sores that kept increasing and finally covered both my legs from knee to ankle. Tha damage to the nerves is still felt to this day, 26 years later. Life had become one hell of a mess. I had no job, no family support and had to use more and more in order to be ok. I used to think, how nice it was when I first began using and how good the trips were and how great the music and friends were. I had done a great tour of India and was on the verge of going to New York to study music, but when addiction gets you it does so completely. I was totally into getting and using and finding ways and means to get more and use more. I also noticed many addicts I used with were either dying, hospitalized or incarcerated. That was a shock, an awakening of sorts.

The police raids on dens as well as my increasing usage made me study chemistry books in order to learn how to make smack from opium and I was in fact ready to go to Afghanistan or Sri Lanka and spend time to learn it ! By this time I was 26 with no other ambitions left, having been in hospital two times already without the slightest clue about how to manage my life. I wanted to do something, and be someone but all my friends were gone, no jobs and I was without a conscience. I was a complete loner and was fully addicted. By compulsion, I turned police informer, to get seome security into my life. Semms like I did a good job of it too, getting a few pushers busted. 

Then one night a very weird thing happened; I had a near death experience. There I was, nodding on a chair and listening to jazz on the radio and suddenly I had a weird experience like my soul left my body. My soul went to the ceiling, looked down at me and said in a silent voice "'You are going to die'. This "Out Of Body" or "Near Death Experience" was very vivid, like it was real. I can still see that frame in my mind, exactly as it happened then.

"Noooooooooooooooo" I screamed and awoke with a start. I was scared. A dark force was in that room there that night with me but I also sensed the Prescence of Light.  I wanted some way out. I began to pray for release and freedom. Id had enough of the way Id lived till now. I really did not want to become the criminal drug producer I was thinking of becoming and already researching.

Few days later, inspite of feeling very strange about it, I kept repeating prayers Id learned in childhood from my mother. I was trying to invoke the God's Force to save me. It felt very foolish at first but that Power was attractive so I chanted on.  And then it happens. These prayers were answered. And the irony of it all; a using woman gave me a rehabs number. She had called asking where the connection was meeting me today. I became wary cause Id not seen her for a long time.

"Where were you ?" i asked thinking it might be a set up to get busted.

"I was at a treatment centre for drug addicts" she'd replied.

I was curious so I asked her "Whats that all about ?"

"It's run by reformed addicts and gets you out of addiction" and I was thinking " no, cant be".

I wanted to ask her why was she back to using, but thought better of it. In fact she'd just confirmed to me that there was no such thing as a reformed addict; otherwise, why would she be asking for drugs again ? How could an addict like me be without drugs ? What would I do with my life if there was no drugs in it ? I informed her about the connection and was rewarded with a good chase with her that evening. Moreover, Id already done few hospital and clinic detoxes, change of place, attempts to change religion etc. but couldnt stop using drugs. But  I was looking for a way out of the mess my life had become. Id lost hope and now some was being offered. So out of curiosity, I took the treatment centre phone number anyways. I called a few days later.

What the recovering addict who owned the rehab and his wife shared with me was compelling enough to join their Program. I had a secret desire: in my time ther (6 months), Id learn how to use successfully without being addicted.  And this was the attitude with which Id entered all other detoxes. before. Gosh was I mistaken about where this was going ! There, I met many recovering addicts and the first concept they shared with me was that addicts like us could never be social or un-addicted users ever again. No matter how long we stop using drugs, the first one would take us back to where we came from. I believe now, thats when I first got the message about what an addict like me had to do to recover. Then I got the NA message when I was reading the Basic Text in the rehab. What wonderful revelations. I learnt that I had a dis-ease and that I could stop using and find a new way to live without the desire to use again, just for today. Whew, what a relief that knowledge was. I wanted to know more about NA and I kept on reading. The personal stories of those old-timers gave me identification and I got a distinct feeling of belonging.

I remember Im thinking "Hey thats just like me, where did I meet these guys before?". Isnt that what we call empathy, the wordless language of recognition, belief and belonging?

Step writing began there and I went onto the 4th, the first of my fourth Step attempts. I could feel that things would be all right this time and God has'nt let me down and I know that God never will. 

When I came out of the rehab, there was no NA but I went to meetings of A.A., where I found many recovering people. As I heard these people share and care for each other, I'd think "'How nice it would be to be in a roomful of recovering addicts sharing the Narcotics Anonymous message ?". One A.A became my sponsor and much gain came from that association. Moreover him and others encouraged me to start NA. So I wrote NA-WSO. And they repiled promptly.

I remember the day when the post office said to come collect a parcel. I was very exited and joyous.

"Big Parcel" they said, which turned out to be a big bundle of NA Literature. I also remember the accompanying letter of encouragement from them when I was reading it I thought "Oh for Gods sake, these guys believe in me". A real thrill. I was very exited. Thereon, it was working to carry the NA Message, alone in the beggining and then with others. We stared meetings here with few others I met in A.A and from the N.A. Loner Group. We all felt that more addicts will find recovery only if we had regularly scheduled meetings of Narcotics Anonymous. So we got one going, at first informally, then we had recovering addicts passing through our town, passing on a message to us and then we finally began the a group that lasted all of six months. Then one year later, another one was started, and that exists to this day. That one's the Reality Group.

At that time I was really willing to make the effort to get what NA had. I had stopped playing music for many years to get away from old playgrounds. I had stopped meeting old playmates, and my house was clean of any paraphernalia. Now recovering people, and not using addicts visited. I wanted to make more  contacts with other recovering addicts so I wrote to NA World Service Office and they sent me literature and a wonderful publication called "Meeting By Mail". You can imagine my joy and relief when I read the sharings in the "Meeting By Mail", thats when I decided I wanted to be a member of MBM and Loner Group. Many years later Im still a member of Loner Group, and still do Meetings By Mail. And at the U.K National Convention in 2009, year before last, I met a female who had also been in Meeting By Mail for many years. Ive read her shares, she had read mine and we were thrilled to mee face to face. Over the years, Ive met many others too and we share a special feeling. I also met my first recovering addict friend Jeff, who is no more with us now (died 2008), who gave me immense and sustained suport in my recovery. Imagine having corrosponded with someone regularly and finally getting to meet them face-to-face after 16 years. That is the meaning of accepting that one addict can best understand and help another addict.

Way back in the late 80's, what with snail mail and all, the high point of each day was either getting or sending a letter to one of them or doing a mass mail. These corrospondences were my first real encounter of one to one with another addict recovering the NA WAY. I still remember with gratitude my first encounter with sponsorship by that addict. To this day, 25 years later, I still treasure those experiences. After having been threatened, counselled, beaten up, locked up and sponsored by other religious organizations and fellowships, this certainly felt different. This guy gave unconditional love and acceptance. I could feel time and touch space long lost to me. His valuable insights gave direction to my recovery. The main theme was encouragement in personal recovery, contacts with other Loners and then make efforts to start NA meetings here. Many other NA members too passed by this citiy, met me and encouraged me to start NA meetings here.

Sean, Laura and Bob, Sunil, Amit, Rajiv, Rahul, Cecil, Manju, Amrish and Deepak were among them.

Though the distinction of being the first NA Group in Bangalore city goes to the International Hope Group, the Reality Group is now the oldest amongst the ten other groups that are functional here. Im proud to have been there when it started and was my home group for many years. I took up  service positions from that group. After a few years, I took the newly started Jyothi group as my home group. I was elected to serve in various positions as GSR, ASR, and chairperson as well as in other Subcommittees. I also served as Chairman of the WorldWide Workshop on recovery and service and see that as a peak. I also served in the NA Fellowship in England when I was there from 2008 to 2010. Ive also served on many sub-commitees and at events and conventions and have also played my music on those occassions. I also did service in AA in the first few years of my recovery. Im thankful to a few AA's who were concerned with my welfare. 

In the year 2010, I completed term as RCM from this area. That was my third term as RCM. The  came a fine year as Program Chair for the events committee. I see service to addicts as a Higher Power and continue to do service, as a way of being greatful to that Higher Power. Ive been serving NA in various positions for nearly 24 years now. I try and remember that my gratitude speaks when I care and I share the NA Way ! 

Earlier this year, I was invited as a keynote speaker to address the plenary session of a World Wide conference on helping addicts. This is a non-NA forum and is sponsored by the U.S government and the World Health Organization. I feel humble and see it as another avenue to carry the message in the 12 Steps to the addicts that still suffer.

And now, Id like to share another aspect of my life, the interpersonal one. The first five years in recovery wnet quickly and happily with  attending meetings regularly and having an income being the primary focus, no matter what.  I had done an extensive Fourth Step, done a complete Fifth and did all the amends I could including to my family. One way of making amends to my mother was to help her by being a partner in her child day care center, where I was successful. Amends to my father primarily came when I stopped shouting at him and abusing him and demanding money from him, like I did in the past. My father and I then shared many serene moments and I could sense my fathers happiness and gratitude at the way I was doing. There have been a few setbacks in recovery, but God has always been greater than any problem I've had and the Power of NA has been saving me from all sorts of situations in which there is danger.When I was 6 years clean I got married and was well settled in an antiques trade. I had not gone back to playing music as my counsellors in treatment ahd advised me to tread very carefully. I had a nice family life going and was very gratified by the birth of our daughter. I was at peace with my parents and society. Then came a point when I realized that social acceptability does not equal recovery. The marriage wasnt going well; I was still being an addicts without using drugs. I began to feel an emptyness inside inspite of all those other material achievements. Im lucky I had found a great sponsor then. Tom and his wife were traveling through town and had been around many parts of the world encouraging addicts to do a Fourth Step. I attended their workshops and then found myself being sponsored by Tom and became a serious 4th Step writer. They went away leaving me to finish but those days of snail mail prevented effective communication so I waited three years till they came next and finished the step writing. I also took a 5th Step with Diane.S, an NA Loner Group member and became aware of the exact nature of wrongs, what defects caused those wrongs and why shortcomings are the starting point for defects and wrongs. I felt a new freedom and joy. At this juncture, I took the earlier advice of Tom and Barb and got back to music. For ten years in my recovery, I had avoided it cause I was afraid. Now that I wasnt afraid anymore, going back to playing music seemed the right thing to do. At the time of this writing, 14 years later, I know Ive made the right choice, inspired by God found in Meditation on the 12 Steps of NA. I had worked and was living the 12 Steps with guidance from a sponsor, doing NA service work and being the best recovering addict I can be. It was all there but the music was still missing and I wanted to become a clean musician, a way of making amends to society and to myself.  I was at a turning point when I had to seriously make a choice of career, and after much soul-searching, I decided it was music. Today Im  really enjoying sharing my music as never before. My career has grown, I have grown in it and Im playing music with a new attitude at these events and occassions. Certainly, my music is getting better than ever. I'm in demand at parties,weddings, functions, corporate events, concerts and recordings. At parties invariably there's liquor served and they also offer me some. There will always be that risk, but I politely refuse. I simply remember that I'm there for sharing my music. Most of all, I know that the Force That Keeps Me Clean and Serene is present overtime with me at these events. Sometimes when fellow NA members and I play together there's a great feeling too, especially when I play at NA events. And nowdays, I also make time to play music with addicts that have stopped using but are not NA members. This is another opurtunity to carry the message.

Also, I am a loving parent to my darling daughter who I bring up as a single parent. She is an NA baby, born after i got clean. She is well aware of NA and also my involvement in the Program. My father died in 2000, after seeing his son become a responsible and productive member of society and Im satisfied that amended my relationship with him. I am a loving and caring son to my mother. The last time I went to a treatment center in 1987, I remember my mother saying "I want nothing but for you to be restored to humanness", I think that has happened. I feel very human now. Tragedy struck my family in February this year when my younger brother died of stroke aggrevated by excessive alcohol consumption.

My service experiences in NA have given me great new habits. One of them is having meals with newer members and another is driving newer members to NA Conventions. Ive driven members all over the country. The peak was the one to Nepal to the Convention on Top of the World; that was way out. Imagine me and another member driving to Nepal and back,an allround trip of 7000 and driving for three days each way. Man, that experience will stay in my mind for the rest of my life!!! 

My sponsor is still guiding me; my sponsees are a great lot too!! Sponsees are the heartbeat. Recently a sponsee of mine and a few other NA members and I went to Mangalore, 200 miles from here, to help them start NA Meetings there. Being elected to responsible positions in NA Service keeps me as an honest and humble recoveing addict. Cant imagine an addict like me not only being clean this long but also being a responsible and productive member of society!!!

Recently in the past year, Ive taken up GSR responsibility for my home group. Was also part of the review group of "Living Clean". That book is now approved and being sold for the past 6 months and what a treat that is. Please read it a.s.a.p.

Im very proud to have been a member of Miracles In Progress for nearly 7 years now.

Im also a home group member of Vision of Hope here in Bangalore City ! 

I was also a part of Sheffield NA in Uk and treasure that association. When I went there to study Masters, I had no idea that the Fellowship there would facilitate a wonderful experience. I served as RCM of NE England NA and attended regional meetings. I was also the PR Co-Ordinator for Sheffield. 

I dont want to be boastful but Ive achieved 6 major management titles and studied abroad too. Ive also been in 6 major workshops and projects in music. The eduction Ive had in recovery, both informal and formal are a real Blessing and keep me sustained in my growth as a human being. I wish that I will be an inspiration to those that want knowledge.

It is said "Dreams Do Come True In NA" and I certainly am living the Program ! Each day I conciously live the Program, I feel very greatfuI for what I have;  being free of drugs, being free of the desire to use and being free in my soul because I have found a new way to live.

Love to live and live to love,,,, the NA Way !!!

Thanks for reading and God Bless you and keep you Blessed in your recovery !!

Raman an addict.

All in all, I live to love and love to live the NA Way, Just for Today and for always