I will try not to ramble too much since it is past 3am and I am not sleeping.
Sorry Ive been gone for a while. I was running amuck causing chaos to myself and others.
Using to the point of giving up, not caring, suicidal thoughts, and desperation.
Im clean today. Ive been clean for almost a week. The lovely Manon or mom as I sometimes call her has agreed to be my sponsor and is kicking my ass trying to get me put back together.
I have gone to a couple meetings which if you know me is a huge surprise. I am absolutely terrified of them. Why? No idea.
My desperation to use tonight almost pushed me overboard.
I was frantically calling people. Getting frustrated when I lost phone service because I live in the sticks. And panicking of what my mind was telling my body to do but my heart was saying something completely different.
My sponsor tried to get me back to treatment and I said I will try super hard if you don't call someone and make me go. Probably a bad decision.
I am in a relationship which I know I shouldn't be in just because of my state of being. We started dating before my running amuck this time around, and he is a great guy. Treats me like a princess, and doesn't push me to do anything I don't want to. I've never felt this way about a guy before and I think he may be the one. He is an addict. A sex addict. and has gone to treatment multiple times and has been clean for years but doesn't work any kind of program. He adores me and the ground I walk on. I can't break his heart. I don't know what to do. well I do but I don't.
When I'm with him people compliment and how happy I am. How they have never seen me smile so much or how I am not a grumpy ol' bitch all the time. and it scares me. I forgot what its like to be happy. Nothing in my life has been happy for as long as I can remember.
When I leave him or his house I panic. Or if we are snuggling on the couch I panic. Or even standing outside smoking a cigarette I panic. So many men have done terrible things to me sexual abuse, molest, physical abuse, rape, emotional abuse, etc etc that it brings up bad thoughts. flashbacks. very vivid flashbacks. sometimes they happen when i'm with him, so I push him away and get quiet and depressed and curl up in a little ball. he knows my past. he knows everything. he tells me to use my words and explain what i'm feeling but Im lost in my mind watching it happen to me over and over and over. when I snap out of it I cry. I told him when this happens just hug me. tight. and don't let go until I say even if im fighting and punching kicking and screaming. dont let go.
Is this normal?
How come this time getting clean is much more emotional than before?
It is now 340 am and I have to be up in 4 hours.
This may be one of the longest posts Ive ever posted but I am panicking and need to go to sleep to relieve myself from myself.
goodnight.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Welcome back. It's good that you have a week clean. Staying clean is the most important thing you can do. Recovery from addiction is the foundation of everything else good that happens to me--relationships, work, etc. When I use, chaos ensues. I suggest you go to meetings, lots of them.
yes Lizzy dear you are trying hard calling me before you use GOOD GIRL no matter the time you know my phone is next to me when you cant reach me this is a great options my life is a little shattered yet i am doing better even having to relive the incident that made me who i am now after ptsd yet we do this together not aloe tat goes with anything miss priss Never Alone Never Again! Love you sweet girl
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
HI Liz, I hear the panic and desperation. It saddens me to hear this much pain, but I'm glad you have someone to vent to. Also glad about the young man in your life. Feeling loved makes so many things so much better. I pray for you to find peace.
