hi Allie.
Welcome back..
my name is Raman and im an addict..

Good poser from you. Addiction has many ways of setting us addicts up for trouble and body image is among its more stable game-plans.

IMHO, although addiction does not discriminate betwen sexes, this body image thing has a gender slant.
Women seem to be more concious of body shape. And how they look seems to affect how they feel about them selves, more than it affects men (eating-disorder.uk, 2012). In fact many eating disorders are directly associated with how women percieve them selves, based on body. Women seem to link self esteem with body shape and " not being in shape" spells low self esteem, and this sets them up for eating disorders like bulimia, anorexia-nervosa, etc, or good old plain and simple drug addiction.

Well now, all that having been said, and now coming to my own story, being male and growing up among healthy and athletic types, I was always in good shape.I ran, cycled and swam and kept slim. Then came the days of playing music and parties and lushness and I grew a bit around the mid-section, but later drug addiction levelled that out. Then about 10 years later, towards the end of my using days, the fear of impending doom and death made me overeat. I became paunchy and even had a bit a bit of man-boobs,,,,hahaha !! (ugh, that really was embarassing, when other inmates at the re-hab laughed at me for it !!!!). So what did I do ? Got back in shape with Yoga, running and being active. I was feeling real fit, motivation enough to keep on that way. It was heaven; being clean, being fit physically, having a sponsor, doing meetings and living at last, instead of just existing.

A few years into recovery and I made one big effort to quit smoking cigarettes and succeeded after many failed previous attempts . I was happy and joy being a non-smoker and felt more active, alive and greatful. But that also opened out my taste buds which lead to overeating. I ate more than my fair share and consitently. I justified that with thoughts like "so what if I eat a litle extra ? Im clean, serene and deserve a reward". And that kept me eating a bit more than I actually needed. And need less to say, it brought back the paunch and a bit of extra weight.

Now 25 years later, the battle of the bulge has'nt really been won yet. But Im thinking like a male, and keeping the bulge in the mid-section in check has me occupied. Was a time 4 years ago when interferon treatment for an illness got me down to 82 kgs, an ideal weight for my 6ft frame. But then the treatment got over, I recovered and began eating well again. And in two years, the "eating well"route has taken me to 95 kgs, well overweight by at least 10 kgs. But Im not dis-heartened: Im motivated; I walk, I do light exercise, I watch my diet and basically try and keep active.

As for feelings of low self-esteem connected with body shape, there is no direct link. But being punchy has affected me in terms of being agile and doing better the things I like doing as leisure-time activities. And to that effect, it does affect my sense of well-being !!!!

Thanks for letting me share Allie,,,,,,,, keep coming back and recovery hugs to ((((((((((((((you)))))))))) !

(references:www.eating-disorders.org.uk/body-image, 12stepfellowdhipsanorexiabulimialoverating)

-- Edited by Raman on Wednesday 24th of Octobe

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Hi Alyqat4, good to see you again!

Sometimes we may have ser high standards for ourselves and because we are human we fall short. It is important that we have realistic standards so we are not set up for discouragement and depression. There is an old saying that God don't make junk..You are correct ,you are beautifully made and the relationship with your Higher Power as you seek that ever closer conscious contact allows you that peace that does surpass all understanding.Even if we have spent time(maybe substantial clean time) in recovery if WE get complacent in any of the areas of our lives that we work on daily that self absorbtion can start creeping in and whispering(maybe screaming insanities once again)I agree ,for me,prayer,looking at my gratitude list and truly knowing the grace and mercy that has been granted this addict and reaching out and helping others always gets me back on track.My inner spirituallity shines through any rough external appearances I may have.God (of your understanding) knows your heart and where you true beauty shines,WE are human,we all fall down and that core of our illness self-centeredness is always ready to take charge again but with God 'ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE"    This too shall pass,help somebody and be of maximum service to your Higher Power and others and your true beauty will definitely shine!!!! Keep coming back we miss your posts!!!