I am all alone, in a new country, with strange people, and maybe have lost the love of my life. I have been clean for about 8 months now and I am all alone and desperate for someone, anyone to listen to my story, give me support, and make me feel that people are here with me. I don't know where to start but ill just start.
I'm 27 and born in Michigan. I have a Bachelor's in Business Administration, minor in political science, and four Microsoft Networking certifications. Besides these few peices of paper I feel like I am nothing, I am no good, that I am a bad person, even when im clean off the drugs. I started marijuana when I lived alone and my parents were living overseas. I was 17 (2003), broke up with the first love of my life, and experimented weed with a girl. I loved it and got hooked. Then my mom and younger brothers came back from overseas and my dad fell into a problem and was, and still is, incarcerated in Federal prison. My dad was my best friend and I became nothing without his guidance. He has 2 master's degrees and is the best person I know (please dont ask why hes in prison, its not for something petty or immoral, but I dont want toget distracted so plz dont ask).
Anyways, I became responsible for my mother and younger brothers, I had school, and i had to work and i had pretty much no good friends. So I delved deep in the weed, then, because that first line was crossed, I started vicodin and tylenol 3 and dxm. Fast forward to 2009 I got up to heroin and I started Suboxone treatment which relly gave me back my life for a while. I was on suboxone for 2 years and I even went and got engaged overseas in Lebanon to the love of my life. I came back to the states after becoming engaged to her in September 2010, to finish my degree and work on her paper work to come to the states. But my doctor stopped the suboxone and I was too scared to stop (I should have gone to inpatient rehab for the suboxone) so I stole my doctor's scripts and mixed heroin and suboxone for so long and I began stealing etc etc etc and my fiance found out and still supported me and then i got in trouble with the law and stole checks and even wrote my name on it just for quick cash even though I knew I was digging my own grave in the states (but I needed my heroin...period). Once the lid blew off a month or so later I fled to Lebanon alone to my fiance before a warrant was issued for me in Michigan and I lived with my uncle and although my entire family found out, including hers, they were supportive and sent me to a month inpatient rehab. I got out a month later and relapsed about 2 weeks later (i needed much more than one month in rehab). I went back and this time for 5 months in patient rehab.
My fiance stuck with me and stood against her entire family for me. She kept sacrificing and still is. Sometimes I think shes crazy for staying with me but she knows that I am a good person deep inside and she loves me when I am me, not the me that is addicted to drugs or stealing. Anyways I finish rehab in may 22, 2012 and get out, move into a sort of dorm room and my fiance kept on the fence as to whether shell stay with me or not because the day I left my 5 month rehab I stole about 400 dollars from someone because I wanted to show my fiance I could take care of myself and i didnt need to ask her for money. She found out though and she still stuck with me. I was so desperately in love, so reliant and dependant on her and SOOOOOO SCAREDDDD of her leaving me that I didnt want to give her reasons to leave because I felt as if she was just waiting for a reason to leave even though she loved and still loves me. Fear devoured me when I left the rehab. I kept lying and hiding things from her to not make her find out ugly things like how I lost my first job (not my fault) and how my uncle didnt have much of the 2000 dollars he was supposed to have for me. So instead of being honest with her, I lied and lied. I lied that I had money so to cover up lies I went to steal, I stole laptops and phones and money to show her I can take care of her, and my self.
She slowly started to fall back in love with me and keptttt telling me pleasee dont mess it up, please dont hide anything from me, please dont lie or steal or relapse. And then about 5 weeks ago I stole a phone and I was caught on camera, guess by who, her relative! So she finds out, still sticks by me and her parents find out all over again that Im doing bad things and have lost trust in me but they told my fiance that its her choice if she is to stay with me. Although I stole and lied, I havent used since I went into rehab jan 20,2012. I know if i do i will ruin my life and lose her forever and ever. But my fiance finally had enough about a week ago and told me that she just cant go on right now, shes too hurt, shes sacrificed too much, and cant give any longer, she needs space and time to think.
She desperately wants me to grow up, be responsible, love myself, and take care of myself before trying to take care of others. I finally found a great paying job which I start in 2 days and my fiance told me that she wants me to go fix my house (i have an apartment in a beautiful beirut suburb that needs som repairs), furnish it, and get myself together and MAYBE shell come back to me then, in the meantime she said that she may start talking to other guys. You cant imagine how much that hurts especially when she is all i have here. But I did it to myself. She still loves me but everytime she puts hope in me she gets dissapointed. I know what i can be and how good i can be because I WAS that person for so long. Anyways she has been cold to me for 2 weeks now but shes finally warming up these past few days. I usually cry in front of her, show her im needy and desperate and act like an immature child when she says she wants to leave me.
But these past 2 days I just accepted the fact that she might leave me, I told her she has the right to move on and talk to other guys and that I must pay for MY mistakes but with my head held up high, and other things. She sees more maturity in me. I am trying to be strong, to build my confidence, and separate my ocnfidence from her love. I need to love my self, I just dont.
Anyways I have no friends here, no family except an uncle who is cold towards me because..ahem...I stole from his family before I went into the 5 month rehab. All I have is my fiance, and im so desperate not to lose her, shes all i think about, but i need to focus on myself and i cant seem to do that. I cant go back to the states because I will go to jail for a while. I have an apartment here, a great new job, education, and the will to go on and not give up, but I just need help, need guidance, need support, and need to feel like im not all alone. I apologize for the longevity of the message, But you have no idea how much I need this, I dont want to relapse but I don't know where I will end up if i continue my habits, Im physically clean but not clean in mind and spirit. Please help me...
-- Edited by bobby408 on Sunday 30th of September 2012 04:32:49 PM
-- Edited by bobby408 on Monday 1st of October 2012 10:31:34 AM
By the way there are pretty much no NA meetings here except in distant areas and I don't have a car to get there, that is why its so important for me to get the support I need right here, thanks
Thanks for sharing. Welcome. Sounds like it would be a good idea to try to get to some meetings. If NA is not available in your area, perhaps AA is. For years I went to AA meetings when NA was not available. Addicts went to AA before NA was started. I think NA is best for addicts, but you need to do what is necessary to reach out and get help. Keep coming back.
There are NA and AA meetings in very distant places here, its not practical for me to go, I don't have a car and I would need 3 hours driving to get to one. This would cost m about 100 dollars each meeting and I just cant afford that here in a third world country. That is why I came to this online forum. I have gone to many meetings in the states and they immensely help, I need the support and guidance and experience of other recovering addicts and that is why I am here, because I can't get to a meeting in Lebanon. Anyways today I seen my fiance and I was strong, happy, and smiling. I accept whatever fate has in store for me even if I lose her. She noticed this and msged me telling me that she loved the way I was today, that she ALWAYS wants me to stay like this, strong, happy, and proud of who I am, rather than scared of my own shadow. I just hope I keep like this. Anyways thanks again for listening Dave and Raman and any feedback from anyone would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Bobby I am an addict named Mike.Welcome to MIP!
You are in a tricky siutations with no programs close enough to get to.Have you tried the hospitals and clinics for programs?When I was in New York (now in Florida)I would speak at many H&I institution meetings,bringing the NA message into hospitals and institutions.There were also doctors(my son just in recovery from 7 years of hard core heroin abuse,27)had a sub doctor who also recommended different places for recovery programs.Bottom line JUST DON'T PICKUP but more importantly instilling and incorporating principles in your life that will keep you day by day in touch with who you are(we) are addicts,who reinstitute their pain by picking up(self sponsorshipNOT RECOMMENDED)..Whatever it takes to stay clean is part of our method(i'll keep it on me here)WE are responsible for our own recoveries..Using drugs(includes alcohol)NEVER MAKES IT BETTER!! ARE YOU WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES?ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THAT.Let us know how you are doing and what you are doing to ensure recovery and not just abstinence starts becoming the forfront of your life. There is a Higher Power greater than WE and the only guidelines are that this Power be loving/caring and greater than WE are....From my personal ESH the closer I am walking with the Power of my understanding the better I am able to work my program.Yes I do stumble and fall,but I never USE DRUGS,something I continue to work on ,day by day even after close to 3 decades after 25 years of devastation and active drug addiction.......I can only suggest to seek that Power,do whatever it takes and More is always revealed.
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Thanks Mike! I appreciate the feedback and knowing that others like you have been addicted for so long and have stopped gives me hope that I can STAY off it. Yes I am abstinent but I don't feel like I have been recovering. I still have not instituted the correct principles, I have not sought that higher power. My therapist says that I have just replaced my drug addiction to an unhealthy love addiction to my fiance. I have grown dependent on her but I have had a hammer come upon me this past week when she seriously thought of leaving me and told me she may talk to other guys.
I realized that I am on the edge of a precipice, that I must learn to love myself, I must recover, I must seek my higher power, otherwise, with or without my fiance I may relapse. So I have been trying to seek a change of mindset, instill confidence into myself, and it has been improving somewhat these past 2 days but its just been 2days! My fiance has noticed this and today begged me to stay like this, for her sake as well as mine. But I must stop being so dependent on her love. It is as if I get high every time I feel her love, I have grown dependent on it and this is NOT healthy. So I am taking a long hard look at myself, realizing all the good things about me, trying to love myself. And Mike your advice about instilling PRINCIPLES into my life is right on brother.
I will try stay honest with myself and others, I will never steal no matter how convenient it may be, I will work HARD to earn what I want in life, and I will set goals that will help myself, my future family, and leave a positive trace on humanity after I leave this world. But the most important principle is to develop that relationship with a higher power, and to start with the 12 steps! I am POWERLESS over my addiction and admit that my life has become COMPLETELY unmanageable. I also hold that only a higher power can heal me. I will look for meetings in hospitals and institutions and will keep coming back here to share and read others experiences. I will go home now, I will shower, clean myself physically and spiritually, and begin developing that relationship with my higher power, will submit myself and my addiciton to him because there is nothing that I myself can do about it. Thanks Mike and everyone who has read my posts. I will keep coming back and sharing and putting in my two cents in helping any way I can. Thanks!
Oh and I don't know if its possible to get an online sponsor, has anyone ever haerd of this or know a way it can happen? Maybe we can keep in touch through email, I dunno, just asking...
It sounds like in person meetings are not a realistic option at this point and that the internet or phone may be your lifeline. I currently sponsor someone who is hundreds of miles away from me. We met in an internet recovery forum and he calls me periodically. I wouldn't recommend online sponsorship, but I think it can work, and it may be your only option at this point. You can email me about it or just email me to keep in touch with another recovering addict.
Shalom
-- Edited by Dave R on Wednesday 3rd of October 2012 05:38:03 AM
Hi Raman! Thanks for showing interest in my story. It feels good to know people are willing to listen and that I'm not all alone after all. I edited the paragraphs like you said and I will keep my writing much more simpler and easier to read next time! Thanks again for listening to me, it really means alot, tc
Also, Mike and David, you really don't know how much you're helping me just by being here to listen. Everytime I feel bad (which is alot lately) I am coming on hree and just reading and writing you guys. I feel that much better when I'm done. I feel like a bit of the pressure and anxiety is lifted off of me. Thanks truly...I feel like I'm on my way to my life being saved but for now I will just focus on staying clean today AND learning to love myself for who I am...
Hey wow, Bobby,, I hear you man. Shalom.... God Bless you.
Thanks for the great share and your honesty. I was always told by my sponsor that "honest sharing of problems with other addicts in recovery makes the solution obvious".
And Ive learnt that the answer is out there; what I cannot do for myself, I need to take outside help.
(Thank you, but excuse me for asking you to edit; ever since interferon treatment mild dyslexia is back. This was initially brought on by lsd use in the 80's, but went into remission in recovery, especially after I began to Pray and Meditate.Then prolonged interferon treatment, re-inforced with ribovarin has activated the reading disorder again. Though not severe, there is a real problem reading long paragraphs. In fact, reading the music is tough to,, and being a professional saxophonist, that really hurts).....
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hey wow, Abe,, I hear you man. Shalom.... God Bless you.
Thanks for the great share and your honesty. I was always told by my sponsor that "honest sharing of problems with other addicts in recovery makes the solution obvious".
And Ive learnt that the answer is out there; what I cannot do for myself, I need to take outside help.
(Thank you, but excuse me for asking you to edit; ever since interferon treatment mild dyslexia is back. This was initially brought on by lsd use in the 80's, but went into remission in recovery, especially after I began to Pray and Meditate.Then prolonged interferon treatment, re-inforced with ribovarin has activated the reading disorder again. Though not severe, there is a real problem reading long paragraphs. In fact, reading the music is tough to,, and being a professional saxophonist, that really hurts).....
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Wow I actually work in Hamra so I will go there tomorrow! Thanks I didnt know they had meetings there but i guess i didnt search hard enough. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow, the meeting is at 630 right after work thank godddd for you guys and for my higher power! Shalom everyone...
Abe, heres another important message I got for you; Online sponsoring???? yes it works. I otta do do what I gotta do. For the last three years Mikes.Fs been guiding me.
Its a very good deal, one addict helping another. It works, if you work it.
Why, even the other day, about two weeks ago i shared a bugaboo in my recovery with Mike, a thing that was so bloody embarassing to share publicly. Everything would be going nice and fine and mellow, but close contact with this person would bring up the ol devil called rage !!!!! And with the anger and the rage would go all the self-esteem, security and sense of commitment to recovery.......honestly....got close to the edge a few times too, in these past few years.....and it brought about grave fears and sense of impending doom after each such incident. Few times it also felt like mere cleantime was no guarantee or insurance against relapse. I lacked an understanding of what to do, especially as this person and I co-exist under the same roof, as I parent my daughter as a single father, she parents me as a dependent mother. And she looks after my daughter too, when Im at work, play etc. So I cant even ask her to leave. Though many times in my recovery, many people have suggested i detach from my mother, I havent done so; that would leave her destitute. Many people I know put their moms in old ages homes and couldnt care less, but the new way of life Ive found in NA excludes any such "dumping" of my mother..... Yes, but sometimes it gets heavy, especially when my main defects of anger and laziness make a play ! And I was thinking I was unique in that problem but pat comes Mikes mail with a fab share on the same problem and more importantly the real solution.
Now 15 days later, that anger hasnt returned, and will not, as long as Im willing to stay in the soultion........
The point is it may not be a mom thats at the other end of you defect, but the way out is the same. Only another addict can best help and understand,,, and one addict helping another is the heartbeat of NA.
So online, face-to-face, whatever is available is good nuf.......
By Gods Grace man, IT WORKS ! The 12 Steps are the solution, and a sponsor is a Guide through the 12 Steps of NA
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I appreciate the sharing of your story and your eagerness to help me. I swear to god that everytime I write and share and read on this forum and I finish, I feel an electric vibration all over my body (in a good way). I feel so much better after I share and read with all of you. I thank my higher power for giving me the awareness to come here. It truly has been a blessing.
But I know coming here and going to meetings is not enough. I must adhere to the 12 steps. I must stay honest with myself and all of you. I must stay confident and I must learn to rid myself of that worthless self-feeling everytime it comes. This feeling still comes to me but not as much as before and it gets better every day. I am learning to live without my fiance and to be reliant on no one but myself and my higher power and once my fiance sees this independence she will want to come back to me because thats what she has wanted me to do for a long time, to be strong, confident, and focused.
But if she decides not to come back to me its no one's fault but mine. I will love and be loved again. Although she is incredible I will pay for my mistakes with my head held up high and move on confidently.
Also, Raman, I know what its like to live with a difficult mother although my situation may differ from yours. My mother is schizophrenic, bipolar, and extremely anxious. She is a great handful and as the oldest brother, along with my father in jail, I had to take care of my mother and younger brothers. It is NOT easy to go home with someone extremely difficult at the house. But the old me used to run away from my problems and I used drugs to escape.
Although I live away from my family now, I still have many problems but I will not escape from fear this time. The new me will not pick up, will face my problems with courage and faith in my higher power and that's what I am learning from all you folks including how you are dealing with your situation Raman, so thanks for sharing. Also I am at work right now and plan to go to the meeting tonight afterwards hopefully. I will let you all know how it went, thanks again to everyone for listening, helping, and sharing...
Thanks everyone for your support and concern. Raman I did not go to that meeting on Wednesday. I have been getting 2-3 hours a sleep a day and I finish work exhausted and I just did not go. I don't know if I was afraid or if I was really tired but I should have gone.
Also yesterday my fiance broke it off with me. Its official now but I have prepared for this mentally already. I expected it and grieved the last couple weeks, not yesterday though. We will still be friends and she will still support me when I need someone to talk to here, especially because she knows I have no one here. She asked me about my plans and I told her that I am still going to fix and furnish the house and plan to get married. I told her that if she doesn't meet someone and get serious these next few months and she wants to come back to me, I will be ready, that in the meantime I will not look for another girl but work on myself and my house.
She said yes that she may come back to me if I changed but I must change for myself and not for her. If there is just a one percent chance I will get back with her then I will proceed as if that will happen. If it doesn't happen, then I will have furnished my house and could proceed to marry someone else rather easily god willing. And if I get back with her thats great. Its a win-win situation I guess.
But its still hard. I am dreading this weekend when I have no work, no place to go, and no one to talk to or hang out with. I am dreadinggggg it. It is the most mortifying feeling on earth to be alone. I went through absolute hell in the 5 month rehab but I had different types of support. The period I am going through now is honestly much much more difficult. But I am proud of myself for the way I have handled it thus far. I am trying to overcome that anxious feeling in my chest and trying to distract myself but I will keep trying to just submit my self and my worries to my higher power.
Anyways today I feel a bit desperate and very alone, worse than yesterday but better than in the past few weeks. I will have good days and bad days, I will have good hours and bad hours, but it will get better. I see the light. And I am blessed with this new job that my higher power gave me. He is watching over me because I know that without this job, I might have relapsed as a reaction to the loneliness and the fac that my fiance is leaving me. I really would like some feedback, any feedback, just to feel like someone is listening. Please...
HI Abe, I can't help but think that if you start going to meetings regularly, in addition to getting a message of recovery you will meet other recovering addicts. It's very possible that you will strike up some friendships while working steps and growing in health. Who knows? You may even find that as you grow in recovery there won't be less need to feel so dependant on your ex fiance. Once we stay clean and work the steps, our lives begin to change in ways we never imagined.
copy Avids... what youre sharing is so vivid Abe......living life on lifes terms...
Meeting makers make it, its said. I know that from my own exprperiences. I dread to even think wht may have happened to me when i was living in England if it hadnt been for the support of the local NA population.
And when not in company, reciting the Serenity Prayer, writing thoughts and feelings, reading NA literature, and being of a Quiet Mind have been gainful mental occupations for me.
Unconditional support to you in your recovery dear'friend; hugs not drugs.
and until our next meeting here, take care and God Bless you......
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Yes tomorrow there is a meeting and nothing except death will stop me from going. I am planning to get there early and help any way I can. It is at 5pm and I have theentire day off so I will have no problem getting there hopefully. By the way my ex-fiance unfriended me on facebook today, she seems to get angrier and angrier by day. I don't blame her. The more I think about what i've done to her, and all the pain I put her through, the more I understand. But I will move on, take care of myself, and try the best I can to submit myself to my higher power.
Btw yes Mark I need sponsorship and hopefully I will work on that at tomorrow's meeting. Also, my imprisoned father called me today and I told him what happened between me and my ex, how I lied and was dishonest and made her look so bad in front of her family (I didn't tell him I stole though). I told him some of the reasons of why I did it, how I was addicted to her and afraid of losing her but am focused on myself now. He was a bit mad but told me to just submit myself to god and hold on tightly to my principles and ethics.
However, he was ecstatic that I got a great new and fulfilling job. He is also VERY happy that he gets his limited freedom in just 10 days! After 9 years in prison he will live in a halfway house and have his freedom during the day to work and do whatever. He will be fully released during the month of March 2013. This is such a blessing thank god.
I also seen my therapist today. I told her everything. She told me once that if my fiance ever left me, that I would relapse right away. She was ecstaticcc that did not happen. By the way I do random drug tests for my family every week or two, the doctor corresponds to my brother who is overseas and updates him so they KNOW I don't use which is important for me to gain back their trust thank god. But in the end I stay clean for myself and no one else.
Anyways although it was still rough I had an overall good day today. I grow more and more confident with each day, I grow more and more hopeful, and I grow less and less dependent on my ex. I need to grow up for gods sake and that's what I'm being forced to do!
Anyways I will update you guys on how the meeting goes. I am excited. I want to personally meet people like myself. I want to gain new healthy friendships. I want to have a social life for gods sake! And I want someone to personally listen to me because I have pained my ex too much for her to be my friend. But, nonetheless, I thank ALL of you for listening to me, supporting me, giving me hope, (and helping me find meetings > thanks Raman!). By the way I regret that my timezone is so far away and I can't attend the online meetings here. But this discussion board has still helped me immensely. Thanks Mike, David, Raman, and Mark for your feedback and thanks for the rest of you who took the time to read my story. Today I will not pick up, today I will submit myself and problems to my higher power, and today I will finish the day with a smile on my face!
My name is abe and I am a thankful and blessed recovering addict and I WILL NOT PICK UP JUST FOR TODAY!!! Take care y'all
-- Edited by bobby408 on Saturday 6th of October 2012 04:01:24 PM
ho..... yes Abe... way to go and keep on going.....
thanks for sharing...its energy on a very lazy Sunday....... ASCs been called off, i have to do a social service call for "Belgium day" and am playing at a first holy communion party later this evening.....
all seems so overwhelming....im feeling so lazy.....
Oh gosh.....ive just got to get up and gooooooooooooo..)..............
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
my mann Raman :) I donl't know if it works for you but when im feeling down and lazy I drink an AMP energy drink and im OFF. I am actually drinking one right now. But I know ur situation is different than mine and I will pray for you my dear friend. Good luck to you today.
As for me, I am feeling great today. I actually woke up really down and was thinking of going using! I thought about it long and hard, I called my therapist and told her, and when I thought about it to myself, I noticed that I felt GREATT physically, why should I ruin my health, my good physical feeling, just because im a bit down mentally, and ruin my job, my future, any chance to get married with anyone, and everything good that is going for me?
So I shook off the urge. I took a shower, I went and prayed to my higher power, and went on facebook to share some things with my friends. Oh by the way my ex re-added me on facebook. Don't know why but I don't care. Yes I am still thinking about her, still love her, but I am trying to grow independent of her and its working somewhat better each day. Anyways I will go to my apartment today and pay the electric bill, then off to the meeting I go! Good luck today Raman, and I will come back and share and let you all know how it went. I plan to get as many numbers as I can and hopefully find a sponsor today. Take care everyone!
Hi everyone, my therapist told me yesterday that i must completely cut myself off from my ex fiance. I followed her advice and did something I never everrrr thought I was brave enough to do. I sent a text to my ex telling her that I started talking to a girl, that I am not stupid enough to think that there is a chance for her (my ex) and I to be back together, and that she should consider me dead and move on. I felt good afterwards, free. But she was so mad, told me that she will never have thought of coming back to me even if I was the last guy on earth! That she will never forgive me for what I've done, etc.
Anyways I lied to her, I did not begin talking to a girl, but I wanted to end any feeling inside of me telling me that there is hope between me and my ex. This way I can TRULY move on. I'm glad I did it, it honestly was one of the bravest things I have ever done. I feel free and happy. Anyways I went and payed the electricity bill and in about half an hour I will get going to that meeting :):):). I will let you know how it all goes, thanks and take care!
Hey I went to that meeting and it went well. I told my story and everyone sympathized and told me that i was the most important person there. I felt good. I got 3 numbers, and they actually have meetings every day right by my work and the time fits perfectly because I can finish work and go straight there. Thank god. Anyways just thought you guys should know, take care!
Glad you found a meeting in your area and got phone numbers. Having an urge to use drugs is normal for an addict. But we don't have to act on it today. We can let is pass, like you did. Sorry about the situation with you ex-fiance. Hopefully, you can move on and focus on your recovery. Keep coming back.
Shalom,,,,,Thats the Spirit of Recovery in you my dear friend Abe...
Humbly do I state that Ive seen a few turn-arounds in my time, but my God, yours is truly amazing. This is proof enough for the doubters that this Program actually works.
The way youre letting of the relationship is really inspiring. Ive learnt the hard way myself that relationships are a great substitute for drugs, and like the drugs dont fix anything at all, neither do relationships.
Im now livin with the policy "its better to be in no relationship that to be in a bad(addictive one)". By describing a relationship as addictive, Im saying that Im using the same addictive logic in a relationship.......it wont work......
Addiction is not creative. Addiction is not freedom. Addiction is not a way of life. Addiction is not goodwill.. (P.I. Another Look).
And being of an addictive personality that is never cured or permanently gotten rid of, Ill use even a relationship to get the flash and the euphoria and feel the ease and comfort I long for. And then again, as in all addictions, my addictive logic leads me to obssessive thinking and compulsive behaviour, and I get spiritually drained in the process.....
When the love is gone, and the affair is over, what is there left to do but pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on ???? Time can heal and time will heal so they say, "give time some time" !!!!
Keep coming back bro......good luck, just for today !
-- Edited by Raman on Monday 8th of October 2012 03:13:43 PM
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I went to another meeting today, same place, god willing i will go every day except fridays. I need these meetings and these people more than I ever needed anything in my life. Hopefully I will get sponsored tomorrow, I haven't had the courage to go up and ask someone to sponsor me but I will make sure to do that tomorrow hopefully. Thanks everyone here for your support and help in finding meetings for me here.
I pray to god to help me accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...Just for today
I want to thank all those online members here who supported me during my toughest times. David, Mike, Raman, and avid. Thanks to you I have found meetings here in Lebanon. It is helping immensely. I have grown independent of my fiance but she does want me back now. She sees im strong now, independent, spiritual, and hopeful. She keeps bothering me now, wanting to see me, telling me she loves me. Its a great feeling. But I dont care what happens with her, I will focus and take care of myself, and if it works out with her thats great.
Furthermore, I am immensely enjoying my new job. The environment is great, my boss is great, and the work is very meaningful. I am truly blessed. Also my father was recently released from prison into a halfway house. This is among the greatest news I have ever received in the past ten years. I got to speak to him just the other day. What can I say except that I am truly blessed.
But no matter how good things seem to be I must keep reminding myself that I am an addict, that if I don't keep my guard up I may slip up and ruin everything good that god has given me. So I will keep going to those meetings everyday hopefully. I will keep reminding myself that I am not a normal person, that I am a recovering addict. Anyways I thought I would give u guys an update and fill u in on my situation. It is truly a blessing to get to know all of you. Shalom everyone...
