Yeah heh.......

I remember a similar situation;

Twas a cold winter morning in England 5 years ago. I was walking down main street Sheffield.
I was a bit stuck for cash and thinking about what to do.

Then I passed a bus stop, and a guy stops me, picks up a 10 pound and says
"hey mate, is this yours ?'

Without hesitation, I took it; an answer to my prayers ?
I spent that on a burger, hot coffee and a 7th. I had fiver left.
Kind of gloating on the find......and I left it at that !

I went to the evenings meeting, and later after was thinking to share with my pal, but thought better of it anyways !

Then at home after dinner, i remembered the incident.
And I had a thought
"!@#$^&* hell,,,, why did i do that ?"

I felt panic that dis-honesty was taking over my insides and dreaded the consequences.
But it seemed a trivial thing, so I did not see it necessary to share it out with my NA pal.....

So the next day, I do something else; I write a note that said
"A 10 pound note was lying on the street and when someone asks me if it was mine, I dishonestly said yes and took it".
I then left it on the tram seat........... thinking that was the end to it. Id be free of the guilt now !

And the fiver was still in my pocket. My conscience was calling on me. But i shushed It.
And my reasoning was
"oh no, dont make a mountain of a molehill".

Funny thing is for the next two days, no matter what I told myself, whenever I remembered that incident, I felt bad.
I did not want to share this, and did not know what I could do to stop feeling guilty.
I did not share it at that nites meeting or with my NA pal.

At home, I clear my coat of things before hangin it, and I find the fiver missing. I checked my pant and shirt pockets and it was still not found.
Then I concluded Id lost it; it had somehow fallen out of my pocket.

Poetic justice ?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Most probably so.

Next day I shared with my NA pal.....

And the moral that emerges is that inspite of what I think, if the uilt stays, then its high time i shared it.

-- Edited by Raman on Monday 27th of August 2012 03:14:39 AM

i find telling on myself is being honest with myself and others and secrets keep me sick inside, tell someone you trust, tell a priest, tell a doctor but tell someone if it's bothering you.

 

I dont think some of us, self included, know whats good for me, i mean what i thought was good for me was killing me its time to check in with someone else and find out how much you know. Telling can open up a whole new perspective on things, maybe your not the freak you think you are, freaks are pretty rare LOL i was a freak and I still have some freaky thoughts which take my mind right back to drugs because thats what drugs did, they brought out the freaky, i was a crack head, comeon, we're freaks :)

welcome to freak land heh hehe

Thanks guys. I think that those responses combined pretty much covered this and any other form of guilt I had/have and how to approach it.

We've had people in this city (including myself) who have been betrayed by
1. sponsors; who broke trust and shared sponsees secrets
2. members of a group; coffee shop gossip and circulation of intimate details shared in a group.

Ive been a victim too. Those were times when I did not have a sponsor who I trusted anymore.
I was scared about hanging onto to feelings I had in an incident, so I shared intimate details in a meeting.
Id jumped from the frying pan into the fire and there was hell to pay after that.
There is still branding on me even after 15 years.

The obsessive urge to reveal my secrets so Id be free of them hasnt served me well.

Sometimes it may well be better to feel that feeling, all the while remembering that indiscreet sharing can harm others involved....

But all that said, many a time, its been a choice between the devil and the deep sea,,,,