Maybe I'm just bitching, but be that as it may, I'm struggling immensely with a threat to my recovery lately. My roommate and I have been struggling since I got into recovery to resolve our issues, or rather, I've been struggling to resolve things with him and he is apparently unwilling, but doesn't want me to leave. I'm working extremely hard for my recovery because without it, I will have nothing, but I fear having nothing despite that. My security is at risk. Today I had my last straw when I had to clean several month old venison blood out of the fridge (that I had thought he had taken care of because that is what he said). I cannot handle blood because I used to self-injure. Yesterday he also said he's clean it after I'd found it and asked for his help. He neglected to mention he wouldn't be doing it then. I got fed up and decided to clean it myself (stupid idea on my part) and had a panic attack because of flashbacks of cleaning blood off my floor at 14-15 years old. Hurting myself was part of my addiction. For me they go hand in hand, and one will lead to the other.
When I talked with him, he shared with me that he's been acting on his resentment and doing, or not doing, things to piss me off because he feels I should be doing shit for him since he took care of me in my addiction. Now, I don't feel it's right to try forcing someone to do a 9th step, nor do I feel it's right to intentionally fuck with somebody when they're trying to find a solution. I made breakfast for both of us yesterday morning in an effort to be kind and then asking if we could discuss things. Despite agreeing to work on things, he isn't. Any time I set a healthy boundary, he intentionally breaks it. At this point, I'm inclined to believe this is his issue that's he's using to attack my recovery because I'm not caretaking for him. I'm keeping my side of the street clean, asking "Are you willing to try this solution?" or "What do you think of this idea? Can we talk about it?"
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. This is supposed to be my best friend, but with the way I'm being treated I can't even say that I'm wanting to call him a friend. I'm thinking I'm going to have to move out, but I only have $269 a month since I'm disabled and not yet on SSI. If I end up homeless, I'll be back on the streets where I was using. I feel like there is nowhere safe in this town for me to go, but I don't have the money to live anywhere other than here. I'm afraid I'll end up back in the psych ward, on meds they'll force me to take, and from there be out on the streets using (there's a reason I don't take any medication, despite having PTSD - I've abused them all, recreational or not). I feel fucked no matter what I do, and I see that this is a reservation in my program. I don't want this reservation.
Really, I just wanted to get this out there to have it said. I have talked about it at one meeting, but apparently because everyone there has a place to live and they aren't low bottoms, they didn't get it and said I should "just forget about it." I think that's bullshit and they're hypocrites for telling me to go to any lengths for my recovery and read the literature, while I'm the only person there with a book on the table and I attend meetings all day and they're hardly there. Yes, I am resentful. I just don't want to keep it to myself. I know I need to get a sponsor, but there are hardly any women where I attend, so I'm struggling. I will be working on it, and someone is going to be bringing me someone's phone number soon. Still going to work on my steps, study the literature, and go to meetings. Thank you for reading this.
I can only control my own actions, not those of others. That's what I need to keep in focus when I am having a conflict with someone. When I am having a conflict with someone, praying for the other person helps me. It is hard to hate someone and pray for them at the same time. One thing I can do is stop hanging around that person. You said you are considering the option of moving out. Maybe that's what you need to do. I'm not sure. Sounds like you need to talk to your sponsor about this situation.
-- Edited by Dave R on Saturday 18th of August 2012 05:29:24 AM
I wonder what you want to hear, but this is what I got ! I was reading your post, and I had a thought " Yuck,,, she's got to move on".
I can feel the danger you are in ! (and who says we need to be in a relationship to prove we are "recovering" ???)
God help me change the things I cant stand, and God give me Grace to stand the things I cant !
Ive been in such situations so many times that nowadays it seems like I can intutively tell......
""Pity me the heart, that cannot see, what the quick mind see's at every turn"
Matters of the heart are very difficult to resolve easily ( you know that, of course !), there's lot of grinding to be done. Sometime sit is better to ignore the heart's desire and instead follow the Recovery Spirit !
Like sooner or later you may have to hear the well-intentioned words,, conditioned by painful but useful experiences; " Take a walk babe, lest you go down in the struggle"
All the best Taryn. C,,,,, what a predicament !!!
May Healing happen !
-- Edited by Raman on Friday 17th of August 2012 02:11:13 PM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I know about being unhappy with the person your living with but being trapped due to lack of financial resources. It totally sucks for sure. Acceptance is sometimes the only option. If we can learn to accept things we never thought we would then the situation becomes more bearable. You can't change someone else but you can change how you react to them. prayer, meditation, and other spiritual exercises designed to calm and realize our higher powers love can work wonders. peace.
All of this day today, I was in an ashram. A recovering friend from Hawaii and I were sharing recovery and etc. And mind you, theres a lot of recovering people here......
And for 300 bucks a month you can live quite ok.
Do you have any ashrams or therapeutic communities in your neck of the woods ???
Well if not,, pack your bags ( and your troubles ) and come down here to India for a recovery holiday !
Gee,,, here I go again.....hmmmmmm !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Today is a another Win, another Day Clean. I've lived on the streets, I've lived in a cave, I've lived in a condemned house, I've live where ever however needed to stay alive. Somehow my Higher Power has seen to fit to lead me to a better way of life. Somehow I've had a roof over my head for many years now. As one door closes another door opens. Not on my time, but on my Higher Power's time. I've never been given more than I could handle, should I but ask for my Higher Power's help and be open and receptive to the answer.
Keep Coming Back, there really is a silver lining to be found in the darkest of clouds.
I feel your pain, I feel your desperation, I feel your near hopelessness. I have no answers for I am but another Recovering Addict, just know the answer is there. Keep your Recovery First and the rest will follow. Not in my time, not in your time, in Higher Power's time.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the posts. Got things worked out for this month at least. Paid rent, got a receipt, and got a list of crisis housing just in case something does happen. I've decided that if/when my SSI goes through, I'm going to be moving out to salvage the friendship and myself. I might move out of the city to somewhere with good recovery. If anybody knows anything about good recovery in Michigan, please let me know. I'm gonna be looking up meeting lists first and foremost.
Taryn,Use the crisis housing alternative if you need to , others do . Don't put yourself through more worry and being scared.Look up Narcotics Anonymous Meetings Michigan.
