What does the "disease of addiction" mean to me ? (NA Step Working guide)
What is acting out ? ( question suggested by my sponsor, and usually involves anti-social behaviour, and takes me towards relapse)
This means Im looking at what addiction is in terms of drugs used and also taking the drugs out of the picture and admitting my behaviour.
I developed a routine; 1. look at examples from my own life 2. ask people in meetings or suggest as a topic and get more data on what addiction is without the drugs .... 3. Quote references from the Basic Text, It Works and the IP's. 4. Quote references from authorities in the field of addiction psychology/psychiatry/counselling.
In this way, Id learn to recognize when Im acting out and therefore know what is addiction and what is recovery !!!!
Thanks for asking and letting me share my own experience and understandings !
-- Edited by Raman on Thursday 21st of June 2012 06:03:54 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hello. This will be my first time going through the steps, and I am starting Step One as of today. I am working them with my sponsor of course, my first task is to read Step One out of the Basic Text and It Works How and Why every day for 30 days. Does anybody have any personal expierience with this step? What does it mean to you? I just want to get a better understanding I suppose. Thank you. :)
I don't know how long you've been clean for (congrats on choosing a better way of life). But when I think of step one, immediately I think "your best thinking got you here".
If you listen to shares at meetings, and do the reading your sponsor tells you, try to relate it to your own self, and your experiences.
For me it was all about being clearly honest. and Surrender. the honesty was difficult and sometimes painful. then surrender, when it genuinely happens, is bliss.
Step one: we admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageabile.
For me, this involves realizing things, powerlessness and unmanageability.
Powerlessness meant that I could not control my use of mind/mood altering drugs. I used every day, all the time. I tried to moderate or control my use, but I could not. Once I picked up the first drug, I was back on the cycle of using, again and and again.
Unmanageability meant two things for me: I had lots of negative consequences from using and I was not in control of my life (my addiction was).
It took a great deal of honesty for me to come to these realizations. The first step is all about admitting that I have a problem that I can't fix.
As an addict seeking recovery in NA, my best bet was to follow suggestions and write Steps with a sponsor. Avoiding this task interferes so absolutely with my recovery process and leads to relapse more than anything else. This is my first look at living life on life's terms. This strengthens my desires to stay clean and increases my focus on my ongoing recovery from the disease of addiction and to stay away from all other matters.
The First Step gives me, an addict, a way out of the self-centeredness of the disease. No longer must I obsessively defend my errors or compulsively try to handle problems that are beyond my control. There is no question that I was deliberately destructive to myself as the addiction progressed. Yes sure, I did not like the way I had become but the disease, as it progressed, disabled me. This disability stems from the inability to recall past experience accurately or to benefit from the experience of others. This self-deception leads to an inaccurate perception of reality.
Then there came a time when I could not make even one decision. Even the will to go out and score some more was dead, because of finance, pusher and cop problems. I went and finally scored when the cold turk became too painful to handle. Even now, I cant really say what I was thinking, other than feeling a terrible sense of self-loathing, doom and being very uncertain about what would happen to me. Later I realized I was already in the shadow of death ! At the very least, a long instutionalization loomed large over my head !
And then in the rehab, they asked me to stop my music playing, meeting drug buddies (most were dead, jailed or just disappeared anyways). I refrained from major decision making all together and did just write, write, write. I gave time time for me to recuperate. My family supported me on this. It made economic sense for me to be in recovery rather than go out again. This freed me from many of the pressures that living on the outside would bring. They'd seen addicts come, detox, get better and go out without Step-work. Most didnt stand a chance, and I didnt want to take a chance. Id already been in hospital three times, did geographicals and etc. My initial confusion about recovery began to clear once I started writing.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I was conciously taking good care of myself ! Its like I began catching up with what Id been missing due to my disability.
However, I was guided to take care and not to continue this practice beyond its intended purpose, and moved onto Step 2.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thank you all so much for sharing your expierience, strength and hope with me! To Far Gone, I have a sponsor, but thanks for the suggestion. I've been doing the readings and trying to develop an understanding of the step, I'm also trying to recognize it and follow it in my life as well, which isn't that easy in the heat of the moment (not really people,places and things related, more like recognizing my powerlessness in everyday, sober life- real life).
