I received a phone call yesterday from a hospital. My father for whom I haven't seen in 15 years is there on life support and brain dead. They needed his next of kin to consent to remove him. For years I have sat and thought about this day. From every angle I've plotted my revenge on him. Thinking of the various ways I could make him pay for all those years of physical abuse, abandonment and effects left from his actions. My father is an addict. At the age of 15, while I was in my 2nd psyche hospital I remember coming to the basic realization that all of the terrible things I did were because of my addiction, so his must have been as well. From that I formed a simple understanding of him, my first attempt at unconditional love I guess. However, as time went on I grew up, the long term effects of his abuse and leaving us showed and I became angry; enraged at times. As I said earlier, I have sat and thought about this day for a long time.

About a year ago my sister and I were told by his sister, that he had cancer. I don't know why she told us that. I think about that now. Did he ask her to? Did she want us to care for him? Did he? Was that God giving me the chance then to finally know him? I guess all of that is a mute point now. I guess I wish I had been able to be less angry then and more humble as to care for him.

My anniversary (God willing of course) is less than a month away. I remember a few days before my 10th, my aunt who showed me how to be clean, died from an over dose after her own relapse. Now I am to sit with my father while his disease takes him as well. At 10 years I was angry to lose my aunt. I sat in a meeting and cried wondering was my recovery really worth it if I couldn't even save her. An addict told me in my early recovery that if I stayed clean and lived my steps I would be able to save one person. I went to that addict and yelled at him, telling him how wrong he was because my aunt was dead and I couldn't save her. He reminded me I wasn't and therefore he was right. I remember that now and am so grateful to be clean.

In a few hours my sister and I for whom he left all those years ago, will go to the hospital and sign the paperwork to remove the machine keeping him alive. We will wait there for him to pass, hopefully quickly and painlessly. It's a family riddled with disease and secrets. I will never know my father now because of his disease. I guess somewhere in me I had always hoped somewhere he would become clean, walk into a meeting and make his amends to me. Then I would finally get a father. That day never came and now it never will. Another addict told me once, his amends to some people he had harmed so greatly was to simply never darken their door step again. Was that my father's? I've talked with his friend and girlfriend. When I asked them both why he never tried to contact us or anything, all they could both say was that my father was ashamed. I'm grateful I have the benefit of the steps. I'm grateful that I have NA to help me heal this hurt. I'm grateful I did my 4th and 5ht to let go of the shame and guilt. I then did my 8th and 9th where I was told I had no amends to make to my father because it was he who harmed me. It's funny, in my early recovery I swore I had no amends to make because everyone I harmed had hurt me first. Hearing on my 8^th step there wasnt an amends to make didnt provide the relief I thought it would.

These are the sad realities of recovery:

·         If everyone who needed recovery would get it then we would fill stadiums instead of basements.

·         Buy a basic text and black dress, you'll need them both.

·         Pain shared is pain lessened.

·         One person will be saved by my recovery and that is me.

If there are any prayers out there please send one up and ask that my father go quickly and painlessly. In the end that is all the comfort I can give him.

Thanks for letting me share.

Jackie