I ahd a few days of clean time put together, worked hard at getting my RN license back after a felony conviction got a car, and had a great interview scheduled. two days before the interview, I was taking care of some business, and my disease told me that i could have a drink. I'll spare all the details, but 2 fifths later, I woke up in a town 80 miles away, with a strange man driving my car as the police were pulling us over. No one went to jail, but my car is now in inpound, and I can't possibly get it out. The topic is why do I sabotoge myself every time I seem to be getting my shit together. What is wrong with me. I can be on the verge of excellence, then I tottally scew up. I love my family but everytime they have a little bit of faith, I go and blow it!!!! HELP
For me, I constantly remained in devastation because I am an addict. It took many years of pain and evidence to finally realize I was powerless over my addiction and life was unmanageable.I could stop for a minute, rationalize some misinformation but I couldn't stay stopped and really never wanted to until my final surrender,admission and acceptance ,yes I am an addict. WE have a program,Narcotics Anonymous and a fellowship that can help us come to understand the exact nature of who we are,why even when we put down for a minute,we pick up again.WE come to learn that our illness is physical,mental and spiritual and that we have to address all the areas of our lives, and to continully work on a "change" in our attitudes and behaviors. Again ,for me, there mercifully came a time when the pain outweighed the pleasure,and at the end there really was no pleasure.WE always suggest reaching out,making a meeting,listening to learn,share if you can,keep coming back around ,listening for a sponsor and for the program to be most effective getting into "our solution" the STEPS.worked with a sponsor and the application of them in all areas of your life.We are addicts not because of what we use,or how much we use,but how we are affected when we do,how we react...Its what makes us different.Stick around,we are here for each other ,no big I's or little U's here,just one addict reaching out to another in a loving an caring manner.There is another way to live.Come on in from the storm,those who have suffered,are suffering can truly identify.Hope to hear more from you....Peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hi Tracy and welcome to MIP Sad to say but there is nothing unique about your story. It happens to addicts all the time. You use drugs (alcohol is a drug) because you are an addict. It's that simple. The only way to avoid the consequences of drinking is not to drink not even one...not even for a very special occasion. Total surrender to your disease and a program of recovery will give you a chance. I don't mean to be glib. I know that what I am suggesting is not easy. Hell, if it were easy then there wouldn't be epidemics of relapsers destroying themselves and others on a daily basis. NO, it's not easy, but it is simple. Thanks for coming here and sharing your story. It reminds me that no matter how well I am doing, I am only one bad decision away from total destruction. I pray for your well being and hope to hear from you again.
Thank you so much, all of you for your feedback. I couldn't get to a meeting tonight, so I am so thankful to you all. I have children, live with my parents (whom I have tortured and put through hell) the parents see any attempt to leave home as a abandonment of my kids, or a excuse to run and drink. They only see failure in me because that is a long proven standard. Truth is I may never be trusted again, believe me I certainly don't deserve it. This may be my only fellowship oppurtunity for a while, as the nearest meeting is 12 miles away, and as I said my car is impounded now due to my last run. So thanks again, I will be back If there are any users in Cookeville tn, please let me know
Again welcome ,tracy, I have found,for me, that nothing really replaces face to face meetings or direct contact with recovering addicts but bottom line is we Just don't use.WE also tend to reap what we sow and Trust will have to be earned as we have totally traumatized all those around us(keep it on me here again)You could also call the Helpline in your area see if there is a recovering addict you may meet up with until you can get to a meeting.There is much info at NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS.ORG website if you arent familiar with the program or what its all about.You can GOOGLE the site.When you feel like picking up.reach out there is help and hope available. I didnt understand your last sentence but if you are asking if people use in Cooksville TN, I would only venture to say oh yeah!! Our disease does not discriminate area.......
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
As to your question of why do you sabotage yourself every time you seem to be getting your shit together? I can't add too much to what avid said - addicts use because they are addicts.
You are right - you may never be trusted again. On the other hand, you might. I could tell you stories of redemption and trust regained that would have you calling bs, but I've seen it and more importantly - I have lived it. I'm not religious and don't believe in god - but I believe in miracles; I am one and you get to be one too. You're always free to choose a different future.
Glad you are here. I hope you get to an in-person meeting soon.
It has been my experience that people who are working the NA program to the best of their ability don't use drugs/alcohol again.
Working the program includes:
Going to meetings on a regular basis Working the steps with a sponsor Having an NA home group Fellowshipping with other clean addicts, not people who are using Getting involved in NA service work Prayer and meditation
Were you doing these things before you used? If not, doing them would be a good idea.
If I think that I can drink alcohol successfully, then I need to look at the 1st step again.
For me, it boiled down to self-esteem and self-worth. When I came into the program, I was filled with shame, guilt, etc. Though I stayed clean, I did a lot of things that sabotaged my relationships and my sanity. For me, the solution is in working the steps and learning to be okay with me: as I am. Keeping in contact with someone in the program, especially a sponsor, helped me see my own self-deception and realize I am WORTH IT! It's a hard road ahead, but it's definitely worth the blood, sweat and tears! :) Keep coming back!
Tracy,you cannot let your guard down at all.The two guys on your shoulders ,one that says use or drink , are not really friends.The one on the other shoulder says go to a meeting and let your feelings go,call the helpline is your friend.
i just wanted to let everyone know that the great job interview that I missed emailed me today begging me to reschedule!! Since I have experience as a DON, they really want me!! I have an interveiw on monday, HP is really working in my life. God bless, and i am hitting a meeting tonight.
