Manon recently began a thread which prompted this one. She said, "...stress in 2009 2010 was unbearable made me a different person I miss that person I once was happy..." I truly identified with this statement. It's been troubling me more and more lately which is probably a good indication that I'm ready to do something about it.
My wife got life without the possibility of parole in 1988. We got that overturned in 1992 to life with parole and she was eligible for parole in 2009. We worked ceaselessly and tirelessly to prepare ourselves for that parole hearing and bring her home to me. I went years forgoing balance as every waking moment was lived with the single minded pursuit of getting past the parole board and getting a release date.
It didn't happen. Worse, she had been raped by a guard in 2006 and the parole board clearly implied that their decision was at least partially derived from what they decided was her culpability in the crime against her. In my mid forties, I was too young for the two heart attacks I suffered as I got lessons in powerlessness and helplessness that I do not believe anyone should have to face.
Since that denial I found my patience is fleeting. Anger always lurks just inside the shadows. More often than not, when I look at people I would have once felt compassion for, I feel contempt. Though my wife has been home for almost six months now and I am elated about that, the simple underlying serenity and joy I felt while trudging the road to happy destiny has been replaced with something much darker and, as Manon said, I miss that person.
High time for me to get busy reclaiming that guy I'd say. Thanks for listening.
-- Edited by Angell on Saturday 26th of May 2012 09:13:30 PM
Thanks for sharing your heartfelt pain and LIFE situations.WE are told early on that every addict,including the potential addict suffers from and incurable disease of body,mind and spirit.WE were in the grip of a hopeless dilemma the 'SOLUTION" which is spiritual in nature.Our recoveries therefore will deal with spiritual matters. Honesty is a major healing tool in our arsenals and talking about your real feelings help bring some of the darkness to light. As frail human beings we have to address all of our individuall issues and I have personally found that the "true" application of our STEPS' into all the affairs of my life guided by a Higher Power who I seek to allow THAT Powers will to guide my life to the best of my ability helps me in the most darkest of times.I will pray for your peace and serenity and thank you for helping us today.Is this easy? NO, not all the time,Is it doable? absolutely,with that Power greater than us driving the car...For almost 28 years I have continued to the best of my ability to walk what I talk.And yes I do stumble often,but I feel I continue to make progress,a day at a time even when it is darkest...Have a blessed and productive day,keep sharing.....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
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