I have never posted on a message board before, and am not an addict, but I have been severely hurt by one and any thoughts on the situation would help. My ex-fiance was/is an addict. He has been clean for about three months now, he has moved back home to his family (about 2000 miles from me) and according to his mom, is doing well, going to meetings and speaking frequently with his sponsor and all that. I'm really proud of him, and delighted that he is recovering. I guess however, that all along, as I struggled with his addiction, I thought once he had found sobriety that he would want to be with me again. And I found out this week that a woman that he cheated on me with (two years ago) and he had gotten back together. I am so devastated. Two years ago when this originally happened, I didn't even know he was an addict. When I found out, he was all apologetic and everything, and I did take him back, and he then moved to be with me and I found out several months after living together that he was addicted to both heroin and crack. For the next year and half I tried so hard to help him - I didn't do everything perfectly - I had never had experience with anything like this before in my life. I told his mom almost right away, and she kept flying out to stay with us and try to help. It was a nighmare with all the typical scenarios - in and out of hospitals and rehab, screaming, sobbing, pleading, jail time, kicking him out, etc. Finally his mom and I insisted that he move back home for treatment and it seems to have been working. Like I said, for the last three months he has been sober. But now he has hooked up with this woman from two years ago and says he loves her, and that the reason he was using all this past two years has been because he was trying to get away from me - trying ot get me to leave him so that he could go back to her. That she is his true love in life, that he was longing for her the whole time and that he was lying to me about still being in love with me - all this time. I feel so cheated - like he has robbed me of the past two years. And I am overwhelmed by guilt that this could all be true - and that if I had not taken him back after the original affair that he might have been fine all this time. I am mortified that somehow - at any time over the last two years - he never felt comfortable telling me his true feelings. Yes it would have been hard - it would have hurt me - but he could have moved home sooner or whatever and looked her up, etc. Yes, he has told her the truth - that he is an addict, and is in recovery, and that I am the reason he was in such despair. Now that I am out of his life his sobriety will be easier for him. I am so hurt and confused I can't stop crying. I thougth we would get back together - I foolishly thought that after all I went through to stay by his side and try to help him that he would want to share his sobriety with me - that we could finally enjoy each other's comapny again, and I was so willing to walk this path with him, and provide support in any way I could. I could easily move there - where he has his sponsor and allhis support systems in place. Now he wants nothing to do with me and is in love with her. I know this is ridiculous - all my friends say I should be grateful he is out of my life. But I was/am so in love with him, and so broken hearted by his attempts to hurt himself, I really thought things would be different now. I know I have to let go and just let him live his life. I haven't called him and don't expect to hear from him either. I guess I just needed to let a community hear my story. If anyone has any insight into his choice - It might help. But just typing it all out has helped too. Thanks. And good luck to all of you in your own sobriety.
This is not something that I know anything about, but you might want to check out Al-Anon. Just because someone stop using they don't become well over night. It takes years of hard work to sort out the mess we've made of our lives and to try to make ammends for the havoc we've cause to others. Good luck. Bob.
I'm so sorry about your loss. It's hard to know what to say in these situations and to separate the drug out from the personality. It will hurt but with time you will find someone as giving and loving as you are.
Hi, I'm new to the board. Willing to share my experiences with addiction on and off narcotics for two years now, dealing with severe back pain, the loss of my fiance who is also in denial that he is an addict, and using for the high and not because of the pain. I used to be very attractive and athletic. I'm thirty four and I have lost all of my muscle tone, a lot of weight and I look old. I am trying to swim because of my lower back and learning how to deal with the pain hopefully without narcotics.
This is a very common story. I think it's true that naranon or even a drug counselor could help you get out of thinking you could have done anything to deserve being treated in this way. It's not your fault, and you're going to survive this. Addicts cause so much pain for others, but there's a saying, "Rejection is God's protection."
Hi, my name is Cyndi and I am an addict. Long before I realized I am an addict myself, I used to attend Al-anon meetings. I had an (x)fiancee who went to jail for over a year--he had addiction, there being no Nar-anon where I live, I went to Al-anon. It was helpful, but I didn't get deeply involved in it. After some time apart form my fiancee (I had thought I was a social user then) I fell off my abstinence wagon, hit my own bottom, started to attend Narcotics Anonymous.
I had hoped that when he got out of jail, and the work program they sent him to after that, that he would stay clean off drugs and alcohol, and we would still marry. It didn't work out that way. We had an arguement while he was still in jail...he went home to mom and step-dad, had a welcome home party, and started using again. Eventually he tried to come back into the rooms of recovery...but he relapsed again...and again...while he was on relapse, he asked for my "help", and used it as an opportunity to sodomize and rape me, very much against my will, and with my sleeping son nearby. He also stole my keys, used them to enter my home, and stole money from my roomate so he could buy more drugs. Maybe you didn't need all of this detail--but for me it reminds me that ADDICTION IS A PROGRESSIVE SISEASE, incurable, and fatal...If I (or if he, or any addict...) slack[s] off on my/his/their program, all kinds of unwanted behavioral addictions WILL come out--EVEN IF WE DO NOT PHYSICALLY RELAPSE...behavioral addictions, like denying pain we are afraid to feel, and blaming others for the choices we make, acting out of all kinds, WILL occur if we slack off.
Recovery is a VERY LONG process, requiring ALOT of hard work, CONSISTENT EFFORT, practicing aprogram of recovery--EVERYDAY--or we are subject to relapse...which often starts with other behaviors--womanizing, over-eating, acting out on anger, harboring resentment, denial of the part we play in our own disease...
If you truly love him, pray for him to continue in his recovery, practice a DAILY program of recovery, let go of his anger and resentment--which WILL lead an addict back to using--and let go. MIRACLES do happen, but recovery, if he continues to choose it, will change him a great deal. Either way, the man you loved is no longer there, and is not able to love another yet.
For yourself, LET GO of any blame he projects in your direction, knowing that it is a manifestation of his disease. Let go of living in yesterday and of living in tommorrow. Enjoy today--whatever it takes--be grateful for something Today. God has better plans for you. (and hopefully for him--remember right now he is still clearly very sick.)
When I had to let go of a very important relationship in recovery, I did a daily meditation, a visual meditation, in which I saw two people holding each others forearms, gently, and each day, I would imagine the hands slipping a little further toward the wrists, eventually, to the hands, and then to the ends of the fingertips, and thenI let go. This really, really helped.
Thanks for letting me share. I hope this helps you somehow. I'll pray for you--and for him.
Hi Iam new at this. I read you posted and was touch. question. My boy freind is in a year long recoury program, by his and mine choice, and doing well. He has been in for a month now and I v'e been going to Al=anon groups. we are very close, But dose an addict really know what love is? what are the odds that we will be back toghter....thank you vallsb
Hi Val, Welcome to our group! This is pretty much an unanswerable question, so much depends on individual circumstances. In my experience, yes MY experience=not universal, much depends on the nature of the relationship choices made when the relationship was formed. I have seen relationships both thrive and fail after one partner gets into recovery. As humans we tend to pick partners who conform with our idea of an ideal mate formed when we were very young. We form these beliefs in response to the situation we grew up in and learned to conform with, as children. If one person learned to be a dependent, a caretaker, or some other role, and recovery changes the role their partner plays in the relationship, it can be tough to keep the relationship alive. I have seen committed people redefine their roles to keep the reelationship alive, it can work, it will take effort and commitment to keep the relationship, but it can work out. I think it was wise to become involved with alanon, if anything will help, it is understanding yourself and your motivations. Check out the links on http://www.12stepforums.net/ you can find more there.
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
Thank you for your in put. I went to Santa Barbara city to see my boy friend.He Is doing good.On Saturday night we went to a Drug meeting .I was so good to here him say He was an addict and how dope has destroy is life and those aroung him,,, And Church on Sunday was great. Just to watch him really worship the lord and relax to enjoy the bible study.We are very open to eacher other..He share his steps one and two with me and I shure mine.Al-anon is good for me to learn to keep my bounder up and be VERY watchfull of his actions. He has a lot of battle ahead of him and he must to this on his own. That is way I live two hours away, So I only see me a little bite at a time... So your are right when you said, its real up to him and how he is working his program.. Last note a lady at the church said to me you need to watch him for 3 to 4 years after his recovry. Then work on your relatioship them????? I'll have to think about that one thanks vallsb
This is a very common story. I think it's true that naranon or even a drug counselor could help you get out of thinking you could have done anything to deserve being treated in this way. It's not your fault, and you're going to survive this. Addicts cause so much pain for others, but there's a saying, "Rejection is God's protection." 
