My original clean date was 1/2/09. And I had three years without mind altering substances. Excluding caffine and nicotine.
I spent two out of those three hitting meetings. Had a homegroup, several commitments. But I never found my niche. I tried, but there was always... Something. What they were interested in, I wasn't. Or they were about being clean living dirty. or they were NA Nazis. And after two years and not finding a single person who I felt slightly connected to, I dropped it.
My first year in recovery I spent in PA. my next two, I spent in NJ. And right after my three year anniversary I relapsed.
We recently moved back to my home town. And thought I'd start from the bottom again. But today, I spent an hour with this chick who I have known and kept in touch with my entire recovery who can't get more than 6 months together. And it was the most disappointing hour this week. The same drama I left because of is still going on. And on top of that I have my soon to be mother in law trying to subtly convert me to the Jehovahs witnesses.
Now, I tried switching between aa and na because a fucking addiction is a fucking addiction but that was also a let down. I know I'm an addict, but I felt I didn't belong. I recently played with a few religious services, and learned that as far as the after life and the existance of god were concerned in my life, all the questions they were trying to answer I already found my own.
I went through the typical teenage stages of life [I'm 21 now]; the rebellion, emo, goth, homosexual experimentation, drugs. And now I'm much more focused on my career, college, a monogomous relationship, where I plan to buy my house, and that I'd much rather spend my adult life vacationing the world that child rearing.
My issue? My peers only are focused on the interests I just expressed if they have kids, which I'm not opposed to, but certainly isn't condusive to a spontaneous girls night out at the pool hall. Or they're going through all the stages I've previously mentioned.
I know that I'm only in my early 20s, and that this is the time to actually find out who i am, but it feels as if I have run through every obvious choicevand I just don't know where to go now.
All I know at the moment is that there is a certain balance between passivity and serching/open mindedness that one must achieve in order to have that god mother fucking forsaken stupid bull shit self acceptance and spiritual enlightenment/awakening/revalation.
Too smart for my own good, or over thinking it. I'm not sure which, but I do know that I'm not unique in my frustrations, but that answering how to get through this struggle would be just as difficult for anyone to answer as it would be for me to explain how I came to accept that my father is dead. It's a spiritual personal incredibly super personal journey no one can take but you.
But Jesus Christ, fuck this.
Thanks for reading that.
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Change will happen when the pain of where you are exceeds the fear of where youre going
This is a simple program for complicated people. Don't use. Go to meetings. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. Get involved in the fellowship and service work. I have found that I need to do all of these things for recovery to work. I need to be in the middle of the NA program, not on the fringes. That means going to a lot of meetings and connecting with people. I need to be with clean people in recovery to stay clean. If I feel like I am different and can't relate to people, I need to look at my own issues (i.e. lack of openmindedness or willingness). Keep coming back.
The first time i got sober i was 19 and gone through a treatment center for 6 months. I can relate to alot of your story, it can be hard to find your way in life at that age. I didn't know who i were or what i was supposed to do with my life, having used my entire adult life. I also went to meetings for a few years then relapsed. It took me 7 years to get clean again though. What i learned in my relapse what i don't want to do, which is use. That was all i needed to know when i came back again and it made me more involved in NA opening meetings, doing other service, working the steps and talking to my sponsor. Hang in there! It will get better. Less thinking, more doing.
MOst of us are to smart for our own good which makes us pretty stupid at times LOL....
Thing is keepin it simple, keep it basic, keep in touch with higher power, keep willing, keep open minded, its all about keeping what works on a day to day basis but mostly remaining in a spiritual place, which happens to cover an assortment of areas in life, see we dont do life well and we certainly dont suffer well, everything is practice until yuh get it and it takes time time time to get it so we keep trudging along and that doesnt mean draggin feet, that means relentlessly making an effort....
